The Power of Love

In order for one to write about the sweetness of Love, one has to truly believe in the power of it. The Power of Love is magnetic and I believe in it strongly! The Bible explains it this way in 1 Corinthians 13:13, “Three things will last forever-faith, hope and love-and the greatest of these is love”.  There’s an electricity that one feels instantaneously the moment that their feelings of love or attraction are reciprocated by the one that they want in return.  That’s the Power of Love. The Bible goes on to explain that, “Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance” 1 Corinthians 13:7.  Wouldn’t it be so sweet if marriages in America were built on this verse? There is something so powerful in the word endurance.  “Permanence” and “duration” are some of the words that Webster’s Dictionary uses to define endurance. Imagine if we lived in a world where people would fight for their Love instead of against one another. I think the Power of Love directly coincides with the Power of Forgiveness. I pray that my next encounter with love will be my last. I promise to Love, Honor and Cherish every moment of it. I’m excited for it even though it hasn’t happened.  That’s the Power of Hope. In the interim, I practice faithfully loving God. Our relationship has gotten so much deeper than ever before.  Waking up daily for prayer, and morning devotionals have helped me to delve into a much better understanding of how our Heavenly Creator operates.  God is Love and all he wants from his children is love in return.

My time spent with God has made me realize my dependency on His love.  Similar to being in a relationship with a man, parent or with one of my children I never want to be without God’s Love.  When a single or a married person takes the time to firmly root their relationship with God; that borne fruit can be counterproductive in one’s other relationships.  This is where the Grace of God takes us.  Isn’t the concept simply magnificent?  I think it is.  I’ve totally conditioned myself to understand that without my Creator’s Love in my life I will fail miserably at trying to extend my Love to a life partner or to anyone else for that matter.  Patience and Love completely coincide.  I’ve learned through years of impatience how important it is to actually have patience.  When entering a relationship with a patient ear you can listen even more intently. One of my biggest weaknesses is my inability to listen effectively; people that talk a great deal typically suffer with this as well.   I walked away from my last relationship not knowing anything of real significance about the person that I thought I wanted to marry.  Other than reading about his personality in the results of a popular on-line exam; I didn’t know anything concrete, significant or really personal about him.  Ultimately, I walked away feeling empty and very embarrassed by that.  With every experience we have the opportunity to learn something about ourselves and to do better in the future.

The Power of Love will defy any human odds over the outcome. The Bible says this in Mark 10:9, “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate”.  By couples taking the time out to really listen to one another; they have a strong chance of avoiding any miscommunication that could later lead to hard feelings.  Defining the relationship constantly is also key.  If you have questions for your significant other just ask them.  Within the first year of marriage or any serious new relationship I would advise the couple to hibernate.  During this hibernation period the couple should have the opportunity to acclimate to one another’s needs, wants, ideas and desires for their relationship. The Power of their Love will have a real chance to flourish because outside influences will be kept at bay. Having the chance to figure out what they both want without the judgment, advice or opinions of friends and family members can create a strong foundation between the couple.  By no means, am I suggesting cutting friends and family off during this time.  We all wear different hats with our relatives and friends than we do in our relationship. If someone you’re considering getting deeply involved with says to you, “My mother is my best friend”. I would have to question where do you fit into that relationship.  Is there even room for you to be a part of that friendship? We have a responsibility to actively hear what people say when they say it, and even more importantly to accept it rather than to think that we can change it later on down the line.  We can’t just fill-in the missing blanks or make things up as we go along. We can’t interpret things the way we “think” they should be or make assumptions on our partners’ behalf.  For example, I couldn’t expect that person to ever make me his best friend if he was acknowledging that the position was already filled.  Now had he said something more hopeful to me like, “My Mother is my best friend yet I would love for the woman in my life to eventually fill that space?”  I might have visualized the statement with an idea that implicated a long-term commitment. As I mentioned earlier, the Love seed needs to be watered constantly in order to grow.

In conclusion, with long-temperance and a still spirit we can learn to be way more accepting of everything that God gives us. That includes the good, the bad, and the ugly. In God’s time, He will introduce you to the one that he has handpicked, reared and guided directly to you and for you.  That blissful moment will be impactful and your intuition will awaken you to realize that you don’t want to spend another living day without that special person. Embrace, give thanks and cherish every single moment of your Love for the Blessing that it is.  Always believing and knowing that its powerful force will never die when it’s true.  Come rain or shine the two of you will grow closer and closer to one another with each passing day.  Love holds no records and if you focus on planning your marriage versus your wedding day things will always remain solid.  Relationships are easy to walk away from but very hard to endure.  The person that God has picked for you will never walk away from you.  They will be tested with temptation as we all are but they will never find it easier to take refuge in another because you will mean that much to them.  Doesn’t that sound sweet? J

I’m praying that the renewal of spring 2013 brings fresh and fragrant Love to each of your lives; May God Bless You all.

Much Luv,

So Many Failed Attempts

Someone asked me the other day, “BC, how’s your relationship with your Dad?”  I felt this immediate sadness come over me as I carefully thought of my answer. Before I could speak it, my heart was warmed with the feeling of holding his strong hands.  “Pops” has always meant the world to me.  My protector, my provider and the first man I ever loved and trusted.  How could it be that so many years have gone by without us speaking or writing one another?  Déjà vu flooded my mind, as I remembered Pops and I going to visit his father in the hospital while he was on his death bed.  Pops didn’t want him to die and he had not made peace with him in this life.  All I could remember him saying was that they never got along.  Pops and I on the other hand were like two peas in a pod. We were both Leo’s (me in July him in August), we were both the center of attention in our worlds and I could never imagine us being inseparable.  How someone could be asking me about him in 2013 and I not have something positive to say like, “My relationship with my Dad is perfect!” “My Father is so proud of the woman that I have become.” I thought, “Oh Heavenly Father, what have I done? How in the world could I be so cold to the one man that has always given me the softest part of his heart?  I imagined my sit down in Heaven with Jesus Christ.  I could see Jesus saying, “My child you were told to Honor your mother and father”.  What a disappointing response I would have to offer.  “I haven’t spoken to my Dad in years?”; “Oh My God, Why BC?” the next question.  To avoid further embarrassing myself I just said, “We had a fallen out”.  The actual answer should have been, “I didn’t get my way, and I stopped contacting him”. 

What an evil person I must be to do such a thing. My father told me, “No”, at the one time in my life that I needed a, “Yes”.  My father never knew what I was going through behind the scenes because I’m very careful at protecting the feelings of the people that I care about the most. I was facing rejection and heartache by my youngest child’s father like I had never experienced thus far in life.  Had I been younger and hurt I would have just run to my Dad.  He would have picked me up and carried me to comfort like he always did.  God Blessed me immensely with the father that he chose for me.  I can’t tell you how accident prone I was as a child (I’m still an accident prone adult as well).  Pops was just always there.  He bandaged my cuts and bruises, pulled my hair away from my face when I had to vomit and always, always, always tucked me in at night with the big kisses that only he could provide. The scent of his Jovan Musk is something that I will die with embedded in my senses. How could I expect him to know that I was hurt or that I needed him if I wasn’t willing to share what I was going through at the time?  Pops had other children and they shared everything with him.  I being an isolated only child didn’t really understand how to do that.  My fondest memory of him is that he never stopped listening to me.  Anyone that knows a writer, knows that we talk about everything and we can go on and on with great detail.  We can captivate a moment with our words and make you feel like you were there. His long fingers and 6’2”, stature always made me feel safe.  My dad would have gone to the ends of the earth for me.  My biggest fear in life is that the next time I lay eyes on him will be the same way it was when we went to that hospital to see his Dad; “Father God, why is life so immensely complicated?”

I looked for my Dad in every relationship that I ever had. One failed attempt after another, and I don’t know if I should be happy or embarrassed to say that no one quite measured up to him.  My Dad is that awesome!  A hands-on man that can paint, cook, clean, fix things, care and provide for his children and still manage to extend his hand to others.  They don’t make them like him anymore.  I always knew that he would walk me down the aisle when I got married.  I also knew that he would have, “the talk”, with whomever I married.  I knew that my Father was not pleased that I had children out of wedlock, yet and still he supported me regardless.  My Father believed in my ability when I stopped believing in myself.  I’m what you call flighty.  When the going gets tough I run to avoid life’s issues.  I’ve hurt my father many times by this.  Never opening up and never being able to truly lean on him the way I did as a child.  They say the way to a person’s heart is food.  My Father always made it his business to feed me and to feed me well.  Holding my hand, listening to me, explaining how important the Chicago Bulls and Michael Jordan were are things that my Pops did for me. I can think back to a particular summer day when my sweet tooth was fully charged.  I ate so much junk that day and my Dad said, “Bobbi, you are going to get sick”, but like a glutton I just kept going.  My Dad had a waterbed back then and when I finally settled down to watch TV…oh my, was I sick and I mean really sick.  My Dad took care of me without ever feeling the need to say, “I told you so”, and that is the type of relationship I’ve searched for as an adult.

I did come close.  I know that for certain.  In my relationship with Citrus, I can honestly say that even his voice reminded me of my father in his younger days.  His character, long fingers, love of basketball and stature were also a huge contribution.  Failed attempts at Love are like tripping and falling in the street.  It’s painful, but it’s also terribly embarrassing.  Unfailing Love is so hard to come by in a world that is cultivated by logic.  There is no space for logic in love.  The most analytical thinkers will still only feel love with their heart muscles. Love is simply a feeling, but it’s everything.  Love needs more love to grow, the way a plant needs water.  Every attempt at love isn’t going to be successful attempt and that’s why it’s an attempt. It’s very important to walk away from each attempt with more wisdom than you walked in with to begin with. Love can be so bittersweet at times.  Love is the most special and intimate feeling we can have here on earth. The best advice that I can offer my readers on failed attempts at Love is consciousness.  Many fall into the trap of wanting to fill the void of being alone. Take the, “lonely time”, to study what you could have done better, what you’ve learned and more importantly what you want for the future.  Always live in the moment and acknowledge every sensation of your pain. It’s ok to be hurt because hurt feelings are an affirmation that you loved hard.

I believe in loving hard and I also believe that love holds no records.  Wronged doings will always be forgiven in a love that’s for you.  Love never gives up.  It’s enduring, unfailing and absolutely unending.  Love is sweet, and it’s so very kind.  It’s gentle, humble, righteous and unconditional. My Father taught me that.  Even in my wrongs, his Love never faltered or died. I walked away from my Father’s love and I will have to live with that for a lifetime.  Has anyone ever asked you what your relationship with your Father was like ladies? Fellas, how is your relationship with your Mom?  The answer to these questions will be a major contributing factor as far as what you will and won’t accept in a relationship.  I want you to also keep firmly implanted in your mind that what and who is for you will be just that.  That is God’s Grace.  What God brings together, no man can separate. You won’t have to sell yourself or make someone see what they can’t naturally.  If for some reason, they don’t see you, then that just means it’s time for you to move onto the person that will.  You can still love them and want what is best for them yet you owe it to yourself to keep moving forward.  Often times, I long to be that small child that waited and depended on my Father for everything; as we’d cruise in his Blue Mercury, Topaz listening to Luther Vandross I knew that we would always be one in each other.  Unfortunately, today that just isn’t the truth.  Today our relationship is non-existent.  I want to be the adult-child and leave him responsible to look for me versus me having to continually find himL.  That probably isn’t going to happen and such is life. They say that a girl has to kiss many frogs before finding her true Prince Charming.  Let your heart be open and full at all times.  One person’s trash will always be another person’s treasure.  Stay strong and keep your Faith in the Lord.  God Bless You All.

Special thanks to Mrs. Beyonce Knowles-Carter. After watching her HBO Documentary, “Life is but A Dream”, I realized how fragile I too felt because of my non-existent yet quite fixable relationship with my Dad. Thank God for my Blog.  The B.C. Chronicles is where I talk out loud. When I don’t have answers I still find refuge here on these pages that belong to me.  

Much Luv,

Never Blink At Gunpoint

As the nozzle of the assailant’s semi-automatic pistol was pointed at my forehead I refused to blink.  My body was frozen, similar to the way an animal is right before an attack.  I briefly remember thinking, “He will have to remember the look in my eyes in the event that he decides to pull this trigger”.  My emotions were mixed, but my sentiment was, “Never blink at gunpoint”.  A parent never wants to be put in a position that disenables them from protecting their child.  One of God’s most precious given gifts to me was hunched over clinging to a wall and screaming in her lowest voice, “Oh My God”.  Standing only three-feet away from her there was absolutely nothing I could do. I too thought of God at that moment and I remember thinking, “Heavenly Father, forgive him because he has no idea what he’s doing”.  The showdown began when the blank stare standing in front of me realized that I refused to break my stare.  Apparently the world sold him a raw deal and he was cashing in on his refund. His spirit was so dark that in essence it gave off this eerie and cold feeling.  I quickly got chills from the very first moment that I laid my eyes on him. 

It isn’t uncommon in a NYC Housing Authority Project (NYCHA) building, to find a random loiterer standing in a lobby. It was gloomy that day and chances were that he could have been either waiting for someone or simply seeking shelter from the cold.  He resembled a student to me.  Looking past his cold eyes he was wearing a backpack, and was decently dressed. I never gave it anymore thought than that.  The vibe that enveloped his entire aura gave my spirit chills. I immediately began to grieve over his soul.  He was angry and he needed to tell me over and over again that he could kill me. “Where’s the fucking money bitch”, “Give it up”, “Give it all up”, were some of the loud shouts that he exclaimed. It was 12:40 p.m., “How in the world could this be happening?” I thought. I like to think of myself as a precautionary type of a person and this was something that I just couldn’t conceive with my own human knowledge.  As he continued to remind me that my life was in his hands I remember thinking, “Is he trying to convince me of that or is he merely trying to convince himself that he is capable of murder?”

 “Forever connected”, was what crossed my mind next whether he killed us at that moment or would decide to let us live, the memory of the event in and of itself would never leave my mind.  My knees disrespectfully began to buckle.  They didn’t share the strength of my heart.  Death was just seconds away for my knees. My heart on the other hand could feel the strongest presence of God beginning to fill that enclosed building lobby.  For a second or two, I thought of passing out but a parent is always their child’s hero and passing out wasn’t an option. My mind began to flash on the beautiful childhood memories I had in this same building lobby.  There was a time in 1986, that it was a clean lobby that always had a bright and warm feeling to it as I entered. I always had difficulty deciphering between the elevator and the stairwell knowing that either way I would always get upstairs to my home safely. Many times I would have my bicycle with me and shove it in the clean elevator. As a child I was often anxious to get inside of my home, my sweet and comfy home.

 This was no longer that place and all I could think was, “How and when did all of this happen?”, “When did this Housing Project go so terribly wrong?” My immediate guess was years of damage, poor property-management, neighbors living in fear and afraid to even care. At that very moment a very grim thought came to mind, and I sensed that there was a complete and total absence of the Spirit of God.  Housing Projects are exactly what they’re called, “Projects”.  Rapper Jay-Z has lyrics in his song, “Do You Wanna Ride”, and his observation of the housing project experience is so accurate.  He says, “You know why they call the Projects a project, because it’s a project!”  Housing Projects are experiments.  People living in a Housing Project are by no means living in mainstream society. Tenants are actually baited like lab rats when they are offered super low rent with all utilities included.  Tenants feel as if they are in control and actually somehow saving money when they sign their lease.  The clause that isn’t on the lease is that they are also signing away their safety and the lives of their children are what the project may take in return without consent.  Some children become a product of the environment, which happened to me by the age of 16, some spend life sentences in jail, and some never make it out alive. What happened to my neighborhood?  When did God move out? When did Satan move in? I moved out of Brooklyn before my 20^th Birthday and what I was witnessing now at 35, forced my spirit to grieve deeply. 

How could I ever convince my daughter, a first year college student that the world is a good place?  I wasn’t really sure that I believed that anymore.  How could I turn my back on Brooklyn, a city so dear to my heart? This was an awful situation and I would have to think quickly in order to turn this negative into a positive in one way or another.  As the robbery at gunpoint continued; I watched as the assailant became greedy. Having my daughter’s I-phone, my blackberry, cash, my handbag filled with more gadgets (my 11 year-old son’s cell phone, a kindle, credit cards, contact lenses and other misc items including my favorite patent-leather wallet/clutch and enough MAC cosmetics to open a small store), he still wanted more. That’s when he began ruffling my neck scarf with his hand while pointing the nozzle of the gun at my throat.  “Where’s the jewelry bitch”, “You ain’t got no chain?”. I had enough at that point and I spoke.  I said, “We don’t wear jewelry”.  Then I said, “You took everything”. At that moment the assailant announced, “Go upstairs bitch”, and my daughter and I realized that our mini-hostage situation had come to an end. I was relieved.  I pressed the elevator with haste.  He motioned with his gun that we were to take the elevator and he would take the stairs.  Before the elevator arrived he said, “I could fucking kill you bitch, as long as you know”, “Yeah, just as long as you know”, and like a ghost he was gone. 

We knocked on my mother’s door with complete and total panic.  She slowly made her way to the door which is most often the case.  I frantically called 911 from the kitchen phone, and by the Grace of God was connected with a very compassionate phone operator.  Within what felt like seconds the police were knocking at our door. I thought, “This has to be the assailant, because there is no way possible the police could have arrived so quickly”.  I warned my mother not to open the door before knowing for certain that it was the police. Unfortunately, right before our ordeal the same thief stuck his gun into a 62 year-old woman’s stomach.  Demanding cash and things of worth he went a step further and tried forcing the same woman into her building’s elevator. What I later found out that she was strong and told the thief, “No”, and wedged her foot in the elevator door to prevent being pushed in. The cops were on the scene already as a result of her emergency phone call. Everything seemed surreal.  I was going through the motions yet nothing seemed to be registering.  I walked into my childhood bedroom because I needed a moment. I closed the door and bent down on my knees to pray, “Heavenly Father, Thank you for sparing mine and Portia’s lives”, “Thank you for giving us more time here to have each other and to get it right”.  My knees remained weak as I stood back up but what I couldn’t deny was that my joy was still completely intact.

The same joy that overfilled my cup earlier that morning was still there. That’s God’s Grace.  Happiness may depend on one occurrence or another but the sweetness of concrete joy is given to us by God.  Shock and disbelief carried me through the rest of that afternoon. Everything that happened during the remainder of that day is still a blur to me.  I remember asking God why things like this have to happen. You see when you’re raised in the projects, you don’t fear the projects.  Instinctually, you just come to understand your surroundings. It’s a profound concept to explain to outsiders but it’s really simple for us who grow up there.  You’re always aware of the “going-ons of the neighborhood”, such as, homicides, gangs, domestic-violence, drug-dealers and dope fiends.  There isn’t any conscious fear of walking to your car, going to the corner store or entering your family’s building that might very well be filled with loitering occupants.  Instead, you hold your head up high, possibly gesture with a simple head nod or by saying, “What up”, and you proceed accordingly to your dwelling.

My assailant killed whatever element inside of me that was capable of doing that.  I knew as I sat patiently at the local police precinct waiting for my report that my assailant took more than my handbag and all of my belongings.  For one, that childhood image of home that brought so much warmth and great memories to me as a child was gone. I have no desire to visit there ever again and I will continue to pray that with time that will change.  My hope is still intact for the neighborhood that I once loved.  As I walk away from it, I also vow to never turn my back on it.  God placed a calling on me that very same day and I know that I must help my former community.  My mother’s building now represents a death trap where at any given moment, at any time of day; my loved ones and I can be physically harmed, robbed or even worse. The Serenity Prayer asks God for the courage to accept the things that we cannot change but for the discernment to know when we can.  I will answer God’s call obediently helping and loving all of the residents of the Sheepshead Bay/Nostrand Houses. In time, I will pass the torch to a strong leader that is passionate about seeing NYCHA bring change to these four corners. I will love all of you the way that God mercifully loves me.

Exactly 1 week since the robbery my daughter sent me this text message today:

“I’m so embarrassed. I just walked into the pizza place and I freaked out.  The man that works here was sitting at one of the tables.  He immediately stood up to assist me but I was so startled.  Mom, I thought he was going to shoot me. He said, “I’m sorry I just work here”.  

I read a prayer of Thanksgiving that I would like to share with all of you.  We all have something to be thankful for. Whether it’s our lives, our children, our family & friends, our careers or God’s Blessing and favor over our lives:

“Shout with joy to the Lord, all the earth! Worship the Lord with gladness.  Come before him, singing with joy.  Acknowledge that the Lord is God! He made us, and we are His.  We are His people, the sheep of his pasture.  Enter his gates with thanksgiving; go into his courts with praise.  Give thanks to him and praise his name.  For the Lord is good.  His unfailing love continues forever, and his faithfulness continues to each generation". ~Psalm 100:1-5 

Praying that God Bless & Keep each and every person that reads this safe.  May your family never experience this type of violation and crime in their lifetime.

To read more about what happened to my daughter & I last Thursday afternoon, please click the link below:

http://brooklyn.news12.com/news/cops-seek-armed-robber-in-sheepshead-bay-1.4785034


God Bless You All
Much Luv

The Caged Bride Sings

The picture above signifies what the caged bride is for me. As her body stands beautifully behind the gate she is waiting on the right suitor to come along and lift it up. The caged bride finds her own happiness in the interim.  She often realizes that she may never be set free. This saddens her deeply but only when she allows herself to isolate in her own solitude. She may never be given the chance to fly. The caged bride is awake and this is the fate that confines her. She is more awake then any of her suitors will probably ever be in this lifetime. If she closes her eyes she can even visualize past lives that she has already had. Her awareness is intimidating to many. She comes across as foreign or as if she is not of this world. It causes many to believe that she is too good to be true. It causes some to think that she is just putting up a façade. They don’t ever seem to understand her true nature or her true essence. That's when she has to remind herself that they are all still asleep.

Being awake in the midst of slumber isn’t always an easy feat. It is easier for others to ostracize her and to keep their distance. It is easier for others to point fingers and to swim in the lies that they create. The caged bride has resigned herself to be true to staying awake and she will never fall asleep until her exit. The caged bride is hopeful that one day she will be freed from the suffering of this world. Until then, she will continue to walk the earth with a poised glide and she will leave her mark wherever she goes. One of the scariest things to encounter here can be placing your heart in the hands of another. The second scariest thing has got to be watching your love slip helplessly through that persons fingers.  You only zing once :-). The caged bride’s heart is a heart that is filled with love. A love that runs deep and through each and every one of her veins. Her soul is filled with deep sorrow. A sorrow that runs deep enough to debilitate her at times. She sees so many broken-hearted girls.  Some are filled with anger, some are bitter and some are so jaded that their eyesight is green.  The caged bride doesn't possess those qualities and therefore she refuses to join this crowd.

The caged bride is always happy when she is blessed to encounter those she knew in one of her past lives. They may have played a different role at that time but her soul always has the ability to recognize them just the same. The power of spiritual energy is something that can't be measured.   Each and every day is a struggle for her to be here. There is a profound level of humility that comes with being this different...this aware. When day turns into night she is able to submerge herself in love. She loves Love more than anything in this world because it is the glue that binds us all. The caged bride longs to share this love yet she's smart enough to acknowledge the odds that are against her. Her happy heart sings, and sings and then it sings some more. Her heart never tires of singing. Only joy comes from song. What a blessing it is each day to be able to witness the birds fly, the sun set,  the dogs bark, and the children play while hearing their contagious laughter. What a burden it is to carry the weight of this world and all of its amazement. The caged bride acknowledges her connection to her own spirit and realizes that she is responsible for setting it free.

I am the caged bride and I love you all immensely. I am a beautiful freak of nature and I wear that title respectfully.  I count my blessings where they lay and I move forward on my journey in love and in peace. God Bless You.

Much Luv,

When We Made Love

Every now and then I'll have a thought on my heart that won't allow me to rest until I bring it to life. This thought deserves the breathe of life so I'll share it with all of you rather than keep it to myself.  My advice today is to treasure those that mean the most in your life.  Don't hurt them unnecessarily, or use harsh words with them.  Give them the value that they deserve because nothing here lasts forever. The following post is just a little reflection that was conjured up by the sound of Citrus' voice. Reflections come to wither but they can bring the most innate joy. God wants each and every one of us to have a jubulant life that is prosperous and filled with happiness.  Not all prayers are answered as they may not pertain to his plans.  Enjoy...

I heard your voice the other day, which brought some pleasant memories of us to my mind.  I remembered the first time we made love and what a smile that brought to my face.  I will always swear that our souls danced that first night.  When you deeply entered my cave I held onto your girth as tightly as I possibly could.  The electricity of your spirit set mine into an immediate jolt, a feeling that was completely unexpected. Brief euphoric moments; that I still have a difficult time trying to explain. The memories of that night will last a lifetime in my heart. I had visions of an entire future of waking up next to you each and every morning of my adult life.  A love that would run deeper than my addiction for coffee is what I felt brewing in that room.  As we moved on that bed in that city that somehow belonged to us, I felt as if the room was spinning.  As u went deeper inside of me I fought harder to hold on, until we both let go simultaneously; an explosion of emotions that set off the kind of fireworks that I could never tire of watching. As I watched you sleep, that initial electricity still seemed to be there still circulating in the room.  I prayed for you that night and for your safety. I prayed that God would keep us together if that was his will.  Only God understands the unanswered prayers and all we can do is accept them.  Many will have a difficult time that I’m discussing God and Sex but in this instance all I can do is be honest.  I’m grateful to have had you wrapped in my arms that night or maybe you had me wrapped in yours lol. I’m grateful for the moans of sweet & gentle love-making.  I’m grateful for chocolate chip, walnut cookies.  I’m grateful for that city. I’m grateful to have had you as an experience in my life.  I’m grateful for Saturday morning cartoons and cocoa puffs lol!  Regrets don’t linger here, not even residual ones.  We made love three-times that day and I fought the feeling of wanting you more. The memories are so sweet.  So still in my mind yet so captured by my heart.  Tasting your chocolate lips over and over and over again reminds me of how truly delicious kissing you always was.  My sweet chocolate Citrus, oh how I miss you.   

Much Luv

Think Like A Man

3 years ago I read a book that changed my life for the better and I have been following the author of that book ever since.  I heard a lot of buzz surrounding this "male tell all" book which was supposed to guide women to successfully secure a man back in March of 2009.  When I opened, "Think Like A Lady, Act Like A Man", I was floored. The first page I read said, "This book is dedicated to all women." "My hope is to empower you with a wide-open look into the minds of men.", and I thought Damn!  This book wasn't dedicated to Steve Harvey's children or to his momma or anyone else for that matter.  It's just a book dedicated to the women of the world.  Not only did I feel excited just to purchase it.  I felt empowered to own it!  By the end of chapter one I had my highlighter in hand and I was using this book as the guide that it was meant to be.  I recommended it to my friends and if someone couldn't get there hands on it I lent them my copy. The stubbornness and lack of maturity I still had at the time is was why I think I never really fully followed Steve's advice.  In hindsight, I realize that had I followed his advice I'm sure I wouldn't still be single. The blessing that came from the book was that my awareness in regard to relationships was tremendously heightened, hence The Booty Call (B.C.) Chronicles was born.  I began to realize what a crock the generation of "Friends with Benefits" was.  This idea that not being in love, and not being together in committed relationships was ok.  I used my facebook page to slowly put my thoughts out into the world and in less than a year this blog was born.  It was a very proud moment for me when La La Vazquez-Anthony announced that the book was being turned into a movie.  Think Like A Man, hit theaters on April 20th and the day was marked on my calendar as if it was someones birthday!

The excitement I felt was deep down in my gut!  You see, although Steve Harvey is empowering women by explaining the mindset of men.  He is also helping women to understand how much power we truly have when it comes to love, relationships, intimacy and commitment.  Disappointment was not going to be on any menu that Steve Harvey was serving up.  I sat in my theater seat waiting patiently for all of the coming attractions to finish-up.  I thought about the all-star cast including, Kevin Hart, Taraji Henson, Gabrielle Union, La La, and Megan Good just to name a few.  The late night showing before mine was completely sold-out and I thought, "This is going to be a movement!".  See when I read the book years ago I remember thinking, "Steve Harvey is going to save the world from a multitude of STD's with his theory on the cookie."  The "cookie", is the metaphorical vagina and Steve's belief is that the cookie needs to stay in the cookie jar until any new candidate passes at minimum a 90-day probationary period. This is a philosophy that could literally save the world that we have come to live in.  I believe that after about 5-weeks a woman will truly begin to see a man's true-self revealed and vice versa.  The problem that couples typically encounter is that by this point if sex is involved it's usually a little more difficult to just walk away.  Imagine this scenario, you sleep with a guy the 1st day you meet him.  You begin dating him casually after the encounter and realize that you hate him.  He's everything you thought he wasn't and now you find yourself in a very compromising position and you still want to call yourself a lady.  I think for both males and females it's always difficult to say, "Hey, this isn't really working out for me".  No one wants to be responsible for hurting anyone else's feelings.  The movie, delved right into the book and the scenario plays out between 6 couples (one is a married man who's wife is never shown but the example of marriage is clear).

By there being 6 different relationships in the movie there is sure to be something that someone can relate to.  The light and funny approach the movie takes on makes it easy to relate to even for those that have never read the book or for men that might be reluctant about going out to see it.  There was so much that I was able to relate to personally.  I walked away with a message that I needed for my own situation.  I spent so much time thinking that I was undeserving of this particular person when all the while he was really the one that was undeserving of me.  I would give my account of each couple in the movie and what my thoughts are but because I want you to go out and see it for yourselves I won't.  What's positive about this movement is that Steve Harvey's message is so heartfelt.  It's not a money making attempt to make women feel like we allow ourselves to be played by men. Steve wants to see change and a return to chivalry.  Men and women have so much to offer one another.  When standards are set high (acting like a lady) a man can quickly establish a plan for his woman.  When a woman shows a man that her respect isn't given and that it has to be earned we change up a game that has gotten disrespectfully out of control. In a world like the one we live in today Steve Harvey will have a hard time competing with rappers like Lil Wayne that are still discussing how easy it is to f*%$ her and leave her alone.  It's nice to have a man remind women that real men really do have plans for real women.  From how they buy their cars, to their homes to how they select the woman that they will ultimately take the next step with.  Go, go, go now and see this film.  It's a little long so have popcorn and a very relaxed open state of mind going in.  For the relationships that you can't relate to the movie may seem to drag a bit but I promise that you will laugh your heart out!  We all know how good laughter is for the soul!  Enjoy and let me know what message you leave the theater with :-)

Much Luv

The Secrets Behind Substance Abuse

There will come a day when water will be the only beverage in my wine glass :-)

On February 11, 2012, the world lost a song bird and an icon that changed the world with her voice. Whitney Houston, was pronounced dead at her Beverly Hills hotel suite. The circumstances surrounding her death seemed to lie within the pages of a toxicology report. I finally got the opportunity to sit down and read the entire report last weekend. I found it quite disturbing and it was honestly a little uncomfortable to read. The coroner that examined the scene was able to provide a very illustrated account of what he saw in the suite on the afternoon of her death. As a reader, I felt almost as if I was prying into this woman's private affairs. A total invasion of the secrets that she would have never shared with the world. What caught my eye the most was the amount of "unknown" substances listed on the report such as, the crystal and powdery substances discovered. There was also open alcohol and a ton of cigarette butts. As I continued reading I began thinking, "Oh my, what things we do in private as individuals living with free will." Whitney Houston was undoubtedly a substance abuser. There was no question about that. Whether her mother and father wanted more for their child, whether her daughter wanted more for her mother, this woman was a substance abuser. As I delved further into the report, I delved further into my own issues with alcohol abuse. It's such a close topic to home that it dawned on me immediately that I haven't spoken of it much here. I've struggled with alcohol abuse for a little over 20 years now and I'm thankful that with each day that comes to pass I move a little closer to recovery. My Grandmother, a woman that adored while she was still in this world was a recovering alcoholic. My Mother was in the closet with her alcoholism. Hiding alcohol under the kitchen sink or in the freezer it was very strange. Occasionally, she would binge drink at a party and come home loud with her make-up running down her face. Alcoholism isn't only hereditary, it is also learned behavior and it passes easily through the generations. I am an alcoholic.

I need you to erase any stereotypes or hang-ups you have about what an alcoholic looks like. I do not drink alcohol on a daily basis (although if I let my cravings supersede my logic I would). I have never taken a drink of alcohol while I was pregnant with any of my children. I am an alcoholic. I am not a fool. Now if you're wondering what makes me classify myself as, "An alcoholic", let me begin to offer my explanation. The DSM-IV substance dependency code for my illness is 303.90. Addictions is defined in the dictionary as, "The continued use of a mood altering substance or behavior despite adverse consequences". Some consequences were more adverse than others trust me. There is something very comforting about drinking alcohol. My drink of choice at the moment is white wine, Pinot Grigio is my favorite. I lose myself in my drink. I can release all the tension going on in my life right there in my first glass. Anyone that suffers from an addiction like mine will experience symptoms of withdrawal anytime the substance is reduced or discontinued from the body. My most obvious symptoms when I try to discontinue or decrease my alcohol intake are noticeable anxiety and irritability. From time to time I suffer from headaches and nausea as well. Pretty deep stuff huh? I am not in control when it comes to alcohol not in any situation. I can exclude myself confidently from the population of social drinkers even though there are times that I willingly curb my drinking. My alcohol consumption exceeds that of a social drinker by far and in one sitting I can easily down anywhere from 5-7 glasses of wine, beer, or even mixed cocktails. My consumption exceeds a social drinker's because I have no limitations. At this level it's easy to slip further and further into self-embarrassment. Talking loudly, laughing harder and dancing idiotically are all things that come with easy for me when I am drinking alcohol. When I'm "On one", as I like to call it there is an on-going battle between my unconscious and my conscious. Each one fighting to gain control over the other. Irresponsibility, is easy in this state and as embarrassed as I am to say it I have gotten behind the wheel of my car on numerous occasions. Each time I swear it will never happen again. I am a responsible sober person. I am by no means a responsible drinker.

These are the things that make me an alcoholic. My ego would much rather me tell you that I drink occasionally or every once in a blue but that would be a lie. My ego has a difficult time understanding with all of my intelligence, how I could be so stupid. The one thing in life that I have failed at miserably is not having control of my drinking. I didn't realize until I read Whitney's coroner's report how badly my addiction consumes me. Although I don't drink everyday, the addiction is still a part of my everyday life. Everyday that I don't have a drink is a battle overcome for me. While Whitney Houston's death rocked the world people were posting the comments and condolences on all of the social networks. (*smiling*) God is always right on time folks. The Heavenly Father will never forsake you. Never doubt that he will catch you right before you're about to fall. One of my fellow blogger's Madame Noire shared a link to a video on YouTube, posted by Talk Show Host Wendy Williams. The video was 7-8 minutes in duration and I happened to be watching it around 6am. I watched the video with my mouth open about 3 times before it really sunk in. It was so heartfelt and Wendy's grief was so visible that you could feel her sadness for the loss of Whitney. Wendy identified herself as a "crackhead" in the video and she shared a time when she was "hitting a crackpipe". She explained that this was something that her and Whitney had in common although they were never friends in this lifetime. Wendy said that she wanted to see Whitney overcome her addiction in this lifetime. She also hoped that one day her and Whitney would have shared a stage to help others suffering from the addition. She felt as if in the end their common addition would actually bring them closer together and mend the interview gone sour between the two years prior in 2003.

The video closed with Wendy challenging her viewers to confront anyone they knew personally struggling with any type of substance and/or alcohol abuse. She said, "The best thing you can do for that person is call 'em out". Then she said, "Keep calling 'em out", because with any type of addiction it's much more difficult to keep it a secret once you've been called out on it. There was an impact that hit me with the intensity of how she made the statement. I could recognize alcoholism in others yet not in myself. Here's where God comes in. I was called out by one of my family members on my alcohol abuse a few days after Whitney Houston's death was announced. At the time of her death my own personal issues with alcohol never dawned on me. I was sad when Whitney died because I was a fan. Not because I thought to myself, "If I keep drinking I can die". I was sad for her daughter and her mother and the people that were closest to her in her life. I watched her funeral services on television and it was soaked in prayer and spirituality. Pastor Winans took me to church and I never even had to leave my living room. What I immediately realized was how disconnected I was from God. I was dealing with a ton of personal issues at the time and I had never really taken the time out to speak with God and to say, "I Trust you Father God". I just worried myself sick with how I would make a way to get my family out of the rut that we were in. The funeral brought me peace. There is something about the journey home that brings me peace. Living on Earth is difficult and when someone goes home there is a feeling of them being set free. This was how I felt watching the services. I was thirsty for God and I needed to make and immediate reconnection. That following Wednesday I was on my knees praying for forgiveness. The Ash Wednesday Service was to signify the beginning of the 40 days of Lent. I decided to give up alcohol in recognition of what my family member was right about all along. I was no longer prepared to make excuses for my drinking and it was time to stop.

Before Lent I was very standoffish with my family member. I remember at one point I even said, "Do I look like an alcoholic to you?" My defensive demeanor was the sad reality to me that I did have a problem. You can lie to others but you can never lie to yourself. There is a tremendous vulnerability to addiction in adolescence. I started drinking in the 6th grade. I was 12 years-old. When I pinpointed the age that my alcohol abuse began I realized that I was definitely in some real danger. By becoming addicted to alcohol so early on I am the type of alcoholic that uses alcohol as a coping mechanism for almost everything. For example, the death of a loved one, a really bad day at work, bills that I'm unable to pay and then binge drinking at social events in an attempt to let it all go. Young, intelligent, pretty, and addicted to alcohol...ouch! This definitely wasn't on my "What do you want to be when you grow-up", list in kindergarten. By the time that I was 15 years-old my alcohol intake was more than any responsible adult would drink. Who teaches a child how to cope with the stressors of life? In the absence of family members some children turn to substances and I was one of those children. My Grandmother (the only mother I've ever known) played a major role in my upbringing. Mostly by showing me her heart and caring for me unconditionally. She believed in the importance of my education and she contributed heavily to my tuition expenses. I was an extension of her heart. In that sense, I was her child. Coping with her death at the age of 14 was virtually impossible for me. I used alcohol to lean on. As alcohol seemed to always bring me comfort, it also took me to a place where I could lose myself. Dropping out of high school was inevitable for me with my addiction. My alcohol abuse led me to resort to emotion-motivated reasoning which was the major cause in many of the bad choices I made as a teenager. I missed a lot of life but in time I will recover.

I opened my Bible the other morning to, John 15 and I continued reading through John 17. The reading penetrated my spirit and I recommend that you read the entire verse. Here is the verse I'll leave you with. John 16:33: "Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows". "But take heart, because I have overcome the world." We owe it to the Lord to go out and produce lasting fruit. To connect with the world we live in and to make it a better place with our contribution . You can overcome any adversity the world puts on your back through the Source.

***Admitting that you have a problem is the first step to finding a solution. Alcohol is poisonous in more ways than just over-consumption. It destroys families and it ruins friendships when it is abused. I hope this post makes it to the one that God intended for it to reach. I Love you all.

God Bless You All & thank you for allowing me to always set myself free here on these pages.