Thursday, January 20, 2011

Trading Places

Ok so with Valentine’s Day right around the corner I’ve been thinking of ways to spice up the holiday. For those that will be celebrating the day designated exclusively for lovers here’s what I’m thinking. I was doing some household chores the other day when Usher’s sexy song “Trading Places” came on. Automatically, a light bulb went off in my head! I thought to myself that if I had a reason to celebrate this Valentine’s Day I would want to do so by trading places with my lover. I would do everything from beginning to end as the take charge lady that I am, yet to be fair my intentions would be completely expressed to my man. I would let him know that just for that one special evening there would be a complete and total role-reversal taking place. I would make reservations for us to eat somewhere sexy. An intimate setting that caters to lovers with dim lights, banquet style seating so that we can sit side by side. I would wear a dress and I would make sure that during dinner he knows that he’ll be dessert. I would pick him up and open my car door for him and I’d also hold the door for him at the restaurant. I would constantly whisper in his ear throughout and let him know how special he is to me. I would be dressed ultra-sexy (heels would have to be at least 5”) and I would let him know that in addition to him being dessert it’s also wrap for him when we get home. I would set the stage with the ultimate PDA (public displays of affection) nothing that would gross people out, but subtle things like grabbing his hand, touching his leg and kissing him softly. The idea of my seductive little fantasy evening with the man that I don’t have yet lol intrigued me as I pranced around my kitchen singing the words out loud, “I’m always on the top.” “Tonight I’m on the bottom cause we trading places”. “Now we gonna do this thing a little different tonight”.

The one thing that stands out in this Usher joint for those of you that haven’t heard it and what I find that I can relate to so much is that they (Usher & his girl) decide to switch things up a bit for the sake of maintaining what seems to be a healthy flow. In relationships, we can’t be afraid to double-up on keeping things sexy, exciting and interesting. Lip biting actions within a relationship should happen often in my opinion. I want my man to bite his lip not only while I’m getting dressed for us to head out somewhere but also when I’m completely done. I want him to have that pride stirring in his soul that “me” his woman does it for him. I want him to let me know that we’ll be the couple that continuously arrives late somewhere because when I’m done getting dressed he’ll just be getting started at peeling away the layers of my clothing. A couple that intends on watering their flourishing love is going to do so without any apprehensions. They’re going to fully be aware that fun and love do in fact coincide. If I had a man he could certainly look forward to me tying his hands ever so gently to our bed post after a night of being at his total beck and call like on Valentine’s Day. I’m into the whole concept of the holiday and I know many of you will disagree and say, “Valentine’s Day shouldn’t be just once a year”, but the fact still remains that it is. How hard would it be to run out and purchase the sexiest little baby doll from Victoria’s Secret? If he’s worth it the question would be does he know it? Milk baths, rose petals and aroma candles galore was where my focus was as the record quickly came to an end. My lover would get the cupid treatment on that special day because most of the time we’re honestly too busy to put that much emphasis on nurturing the love we’re in.

Unfortunately, since I am ridiculously single at this time and I don’t have anyone special to spend this Valentine’s Day with I will have to wait till next year to share something sexy with you folks. In the meantime, I’m extremely interested in hearing what all of you have planned for the holiday? Please enlighten me with your stories and tell me how you’re going to execute your plans if they are a secret from your lover. I’m sure some of you will be getting engaged or maybe just taking your dating relationship to the committed level either way my ears are open and I can’t wait to hear! As always I wish all of you the best that this world has to offer.

Much Luv

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Friday, January 7, 2011

How To Embrace His "Ex"

Ok so it’s a New Year and “Change” has become the most prominent theme of my week as the first week of the year comes to an end. It was the topic of discussion this week on the radio show that I co-host and "Change" seems to be ringing like an alarm since the New Year began. I had the pleasure of meeting one of my best friend’s beautiful cousin Amiyah (“Mia”) a colorist at a high-end salon in NYC on New Year’s Eve. Before we brought in the New Year together at NYC Times Square we sat and broke bread with one another (along my friend’s twin sisters Jazzlyn & Jenelle). We had a round-table style dinner at BBQ on 72nd & 3rd and it seemed as if we were all reflecting on the year gone by. At some point the conversation turned to Mia and her relationship with her live-in boyfriend's children. Mia who is in her early thirties and doesn’t have children of her own yet expressed the great relationship that she maintains with her boyfriend's children. At some point we all waited to hear the “Baby Momma Drama”, but I’m pleased to report that there was none. Mia explained that she decided to follow Jada Pinkett-Smith’s approach to embracing her man’s "ex-wife" and that the conscious effort made (initiated on her behalf) has taken the edge off of the situation in its entirety. Mia explained that she honestly felt if her man’s children were going to be spending significant time at their home then it was pertinent that she open the door for the children’s mother to have direct contact to her not just to her partner. Mia addressed her man one day regarding the way his "ex-wife" sends his girls over with wrap scarfs and bobby pins for their hair as if her man would be the one combing their hair. Mia felt like that was more than enough reason for the two women to have a formal introduction to one another. "I'm the one that combs their hair when they're at my house". As we watched in awe as if she were speaking a foreign language Mia said, "I had to put my foot down."

Mia explained to us that the relationship isn’t always peaches and cream but it is one of mutual respect. Mia is a little more lenient on the children as far as bed time on the weekends or how long they watch tv. Her viewpoint as far as that is concerned is that children need to be afforded the opportunity to simply be children. She takes the girls ice skating, swimming, to amusement parks, bike riding, to Broadway Shows, and many other outings that she needed to at minimum to have a positive relationship with their mother in order to do. She acknowledges the history her boyfriend and his "ex-wife" shared (over 17 years), and she never gives him the impression that saying anything negative about her will fly. She was also very clear on her position that this woman never did anything to make her dislike her so why would she? Once introduced formally to one another Mia expressed her feelings to his "ex-wife", and emphasized the importance of having a healthy working relationship would be for the children. She was later invited by her boyfriend's "ex-wife" to both children's' graduations and graduation parties. Mia opted to decline the invites, which I actually commend (too close for comfort). The invite was definitely an acknowledgement from the girls mother that she recognizes that Mia has become a second Mom in their lives. We all commended Mia mainly because we all understood in one way or another how difficult the task at hand could be.

I myself have never had a decent and/or respectful conversation with my "ex’s" fiancĂ©e and it’s painfully embarrassing for me to admit that. I would love to have a better open line of communication with the woman that my son’s father has chosen to spend the rest of his life with. A woman that plays such an important role in my son's life and who I can say factually that my son adores. My hope for the future is that our relationship will get better as time goes on. She is the mother of my son's sister and there shouldn't be any walls up. She recently helped my son with a homework project and I was so disappointed when I couldn’t just simply pick up the phone to call her and say thank you. I sent my "ex" a text message instead and asked him to please extend my thanks to her. Our situation is more complex then Mia's in some ways because she and I actually had a physical altercation a little over five years ago and because of that I realize that it will be slightly more difficult for us to make amends. The great thing about a New Year is that many of us start off with the inspiration to change the world. I visualize nothing but peace for the future and I know in my heart that there will definitely come a day when she and I will have peace and maybe even be able to have a glass of wine together so that I can commend her on being so great with my son. If that's too much then I'm sure that we'll be able to survive little league games. Until then one day at a time.

The complexity of having to deal with a new partner’s "ex" is that someone almost always has some unresolved issues and feelings of hurt and abandonment. There are no "winner's" when it comes to someone losing because we never want our children to feel like they've lost. When a breakup occurs one person is left feeling null and void and the first concern that person may have is how your new partner will treat their child. Matters of the heart are complicated in and of themselves yet if we make a conscious effort as adults to be empathetic and take another person’s feelings into consideration then we are already ten steps ahead of the game. If we can approach everything from a loving place that leaves the children as our main priority and focus at all times then we can promote healthy safe havens for our children that will never leave them feeling awkward and/or questioning their loyalty to one parent or the other. For those of us that have children and at some point have to open the door to the new love in our "ex's" life we'll have to find a way to do so without using our children as pawns in the process.

I'm also not suggesting that you become friends or BFF's with your "ex's" new partner/love interest because obviously that could compromise your relationship. Being cordial is a great start yet being cordial genuinely without being sarcastic or phony. Children are the absolute 1st to pick up on when a person isn't being genuine or when someone is being insensitive. The children need the comfort of knowing that everyone is really "ok" with one another otherwise they will be faced with a huge amount of unnecessary anxiety when it comes time to go to "Mommy" or "Daddy's" house. Do nice things for one another. If it's a special occasion and you can't see yourself being there because you want to set boundaries then send something with your man or woman showing your consideration toward the occasion. Will there be some feelings of insecurity, jealousy, and possibly annoyance at times? "Yes", I'm sure that there will be because in the end we're all human. If we start from the right place I guarantee you that little by little everything will fall into place accordingly and we'll be raising happy, healthy, and well-balanced kids that understand that in a blended family setting no one loses because ultimately everybody wins! Especially the kids because additional people enter their lives who care for them and want the best for them just as their parents do.

P.S. No one wants to have children with someone they love and then end up not being in a loving relationship with that person. If it does happen I suggest that you work through the situation the best way that you know how to and by being gentle and kind to one another. God has blessed my son with an amazing father that has totally stepped up to the plate and extended his fatherly hand to both of my daughters that aren't his biological children. I can't imagine the journey thus far without him and I pray to God for his safety regularly. Wes, I'm so happy to see the man that you've become and I wish you the absolute best in your marriage. I love you dearly and always promise to co-parent with you effectively to best meet all of their needs. (I do occasionally call you an a-hole way too often and I promise I'm working on that).

Pls lets show my girl Mia some love on Twitter @MiMiLuv_7...She's a beautiful spirit inside and out and I have a feeling we'll be hearing a lot more from her this year!

Much Luv

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Saturday, January 1, 2011

Happy New Year 2011

There was no way that I could start the first day of the year without the people that have stuck by me and read my blog faithfully for the past six-months. I appreciate you and what I do here at The B.C. Chronicles is for us! I say us because our relationship is co-dependent. I have an urge that comes from deep within me that urges me to share and release my stories here with you. You for one reason or another enjoy reading them and I'd like to take this moment to thank you. When my eyes opened this morning I grabbed my laptop and started typing. I wanted to show you how I decided to bring in the New Year, and I also wanted to share with you my vision and my outlook for 2011. I have no specific resolutions for 2011 yet I can tell you there isn't a single doubt in my mind that this will be my "fairy tale" year. This year feels unmatched to any and it has a magical feel to it that I haven't experienced in years before. As the sun begins to rise outside of my window and I take tiny sips from my hot green tea I am reflecting on some of the highlights of 2010. My broken heart was in such desperate need of healing by late spring of 2010, and shortly after I decided to pour my heart into these pages. The warm welcome I received from my readers helped to restore my faith in humanity. I made business and personal connections here that I'm nearly positive will stand the test of time. Together we healed my heart and what happened in the process was a shift in my own consciousness. Everything I already loved about the world that I live in seemed to only increase. The sky is more beautiful, the sun shines much brighter, and the flowers are prettier than ever. It only seemed right for me to increase my connection with that feeling by making my way to Times Square in the heart of Manhattan.

When one of my dearest childhood bestie's, "BklynTye" called me from Virginia to say that she was coming up for the weekend to go with me to watch the ball drop I knew that backing out wasn't an option. The crowd was insane as I kept my fears of being trampled at bay. I simply allowed myself to absorb the moment like a sponge. I saw people singing and laughing and some brave souls even had their children with them. I didn't question the hype because I already understood what it was. It was all about connection and whether the people out there were aware of that or not is always up for discussion. As I gently pushed my way through the crowds (confronting my own issues with claustrophobia the entire time) I felt as if I needed to get as close as I could to see the actual event. I already knew before coming out that I was going to start this year off sprinting; Sprinting as if this year were a marathon that I can't afford to lose. No wasted moments, no leaving things to mere chance, just a year of calculated action and accountability for my life. Why live if we're not going to participate in what living truly entails? Why take bold steps filled with painfully difficult New Year's resolutions that dissipate by February or March? Oh no, not me, not this year. This year I'll follow my inner voice on everything that it calls me to do. I won't question it or dismiss it because I've become too familiar with how accurate it is. I'll travel this year because there are places that my inner voice is telling me that I must go to. I'll be open to receiving love this year and I'll avoid sending contradicting messages to the universe that continues to be so good to me. I'll consult the Source on everything and anything. I also plan on opening my mouth this year when I kneel down to pray. I said silent prayers last night as I stood there in the crowd and I mentioned all of the above. I prayed that God continues to humble me as the load seems to be increasing by the day. In less than a month's time I've signed deals, I've taken on new roles and writing projects in support of other people's projects, and most importantly I have started writing a fiction novel called, "Family Business" a creation by my co-author Jason Lanzar Rivera (KOPC). My cup is overflowing quickly and I couldn't be more elated.

There isn't much in this moment that I don't feel like I can't take on. I'm open to receiving more projects, and a part of me is learning that balance will follow. I wanted to make sure that I start my singles and my couples on a very positive footing for the New Year. With that being said I'd like to start with some positive advice that I believe will benefit us all. For my singles, if you carried a "list" around in 2010 whether it was written or simply metaphorical yet it included all of the attributes you're looking for in a life partner I want you to put it away. I really want you to burn it and here's why. We discussed our deal breakers a few months back and we made it unmistakably clear that we all have certain things that we simply won't compromise when it comes to meeting someone. For example, if you're a non-smoker and a smoker wants to date you it may be unreasonable for you to start a connection with this person, yet if the "list" says your new mate has to be 6'3" and God sends a man that's 5'11" to your door will you open it? My reasoning for pointing this out is that in many cases our lists can be slightly out of touch with reality. If that's the case then being out of touch with reality would also be the cause of why we're still single. If characteristics on the "lists" aren't things that we can look past then in all actuality we are sending out a strong message that we really aren't open or ready to receiving love in our lives. The blockage is circulating our vision because we can't see good potential if at the forefront they don't meet our somewhat foolish requirements. The man that doesn't make six-figures annually may treat you one hundred times better than the man that does. The woman that is single and has four or five children might be God's best kept secret for you but you won't date her because, "she has too many kids". God prepares whomever we are destined to be with before we ever encounter that person. He works on them while he's working on us and that's why when the two meet the bond is truly unbreakable. All I'm really suggesting is that we approach 2011 differently than we approached 2010. I believe by doing so the benefits will far outweigh the risks.

For my couples out there, I still believe in your love when you lose faith in it. I want you to be kind and gentle to one another this year. I want you to communicate more in 2011 than you ever did in 2010, and I want you to pull no punches with one another. If an issue arises or you just want to tell your partner how much easier life is with them in your world then by all means say it. Speak, speak, and speak some more in the New Year and where connection has been tampered with talk your way back to making it as strong as it has always been meant to be. Loving one another, being gentle, kind, and communicating will make your love worth fighting for. As human beings we're all on a journey for peace. If you've been blessed to find that special person that can share the journey with you just have faith in your union and learn to filter out whatever is unnecessary. Love always wins and if it isn't love you already know my motto...They have to go. In 2011, let us love ourselves passionately with strong emotion that exceeds what anyone else can offer us. Let us also be kind to ourselves. There will be no beating up of self in 2011. If you find yourself doing that I want you to recognize it immediately and regroup. We are not stupid, crazy, insensitive etc...We are just human and we will all have our days from time to time. I will be praying for all of us as the year goes on and I know that this year will be filled with great things. I wish you Love, Peace, Patience, and Blessings for the New Year! We finished 2010 strong now lets see what The B.C. Chronicles will evolve into for 2011. I'm ready!

Much Luv

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