Monday, March 19, 2012

The Alpha-Female

Hello, I am the Alpha-Female. I am strong-willed, overly confident at times, difficult to please, I love extra hard with a dedication that often can't be matched and my ambition and natural curiosity for life & my life even more specifically is undying. I don't back down easily and I'm not always comfortable wearing a dress. I'm a "wear the pants" type of girl which can serve me well in some areas and destroy me in others at the very same time. I'm a Lion in every sense of the word. I move with a slow stride and with a high head. I am a natural-born leader and I have a difficult time putting myself before others. My will is to change the world that I live in even if it's in the smallest of ways. I own a room almost instantly after walking into it because this is my nature. My Alpha-Female spirit makes it easy for me to be single yet can make it difficult for me to be in a relationship which really sucks. I am sarcastic and witty and my tact isn't always warmly welcomed by the opposite sex. Living in this generation of "sex vs love" a lot of potential or would-be potential suitors are left eating dust when they try to divide and conquer this lion-heart. I have the spirit of a man with the heart of the most gentle of women. I tolerate no arguments in Love because Love is the one thing in this world that I believe is just simple. When I see disturbance in Love I walk away and I don't look back. Love enters where there is calm not where there is chaos.

In this new "sex generation", I see less marriage and more broken hearts. I see couples making excuses for the once popular monogamous relationship and I see these relationships being replaced with open relationships. The blasphemy of open relationships saddens me. The generation of "No Church in the Wild", we move further and further from the peace we search for while we look for pleasure in sex. Sex with no strings attached and sex accepted by a partner as long as both parties agree. The temple of our souls are sacrificed for 8-minutes of sweaty pleasure or non-pleasure depending on the partner. What are we coming to as a world and why are there still double standards in 2012? The Alpha-Female knows no double standards. A woman is taught to Act Like A Lady yet to Think Like A Man but it's typically men that are left speechless when and if we decide to mock the gender. When we mock the gender all rules apply. When grown-ups make the foolish mistake of entering into a sexual relationship without any labels on their love they leave the ball court wide open. In these cases, typically one person is more connected to the lust than the other party and what happens next is a disastrously painful break-up with a guy or a girl that was never your boyfriend or your girlfriend to begin with. Envisioning a future in someone you were only an option for is painful and this is why going forward I intend to write more blog posts surrounding abstinence and the importance of loving one's self first and finding what happy is for you. I'll leave the preaching for the Pastor's on Sunday but one thing I can promise you is that having meaningless sex that doesn't incorporate the emotion of Love will NOT get you any closer to finding inner peace or happiness. It can actually deter you from your course and move your heart further away from everything that it truly desires. Be wise in Love because when you lose it you don't get it back.

We're animalistic individuals by nature in some ways and that may never change. Our minds have the capability to exhibit enormous amounts of self-control where and when we allow it to. We have control over all the negative things in the world from sex to substances. We can either be aware or turn a blind eye and indulge in the forbidden fruit. It's safe to say that the Alpha-Female can have any man she wants and this is why more often than not out of 10 man there will be only 1 that barely strikes her interest. Her dominance can lure even the strongest of men, the will be intrigued with the challenge of dating her alone because she is never easily impressed no matter how kind the gesture. This type of female is different and a man will have to do very different things to get and to keep her attention. Men become easily obsessed with the different type of personality that this woman possesses. An Alpha-Female will never stay under the thumb of an overly obsessed man. As soon as she can break free she will and her eye will be keener at avoiding this type of man in the future. I'm an Alpha-Female, I will break hearts more than I have my own heart broken and this is the curse that I was born with. What type of female are you? Let's Talk About It...

Much Luv

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Saturday, March 10, 2012

Dear You

*This will be my final goodbye to him. I will not revisit
this topic again. I won’t be bitter but instead I’ll find joy in my own humanness
& accept my imperfections as is. I
will push through the pain, erase my fear to move forward little by little, and
I will reflect on what I could have done better. I heard someone say, “Don’t chose the better
guy, chose the guy that makes you the better girl”. I had both in you; the better guy that made
me the better girl. He let go for reasons that are still unbeknownst to me and
all I can do is accept that the odds were never in my favor to begin with. This
will be my last letter…

Dear You:
I’m so emotional today.
The things that remind me of you are insane. It’s only been a week and
I’m still sick to my stomach. I still
find myself in tears when the chords of a certain song penetrate my soul. I thought our friendship and I repeat our
friendship was unbreakable until you said, “Our friendship has run its
course”. That hurt beyond any words that
I can express with my own vocabulary. I
feel like you sold me out & I’m certain that you feel like I did the same
to us. It hurt so much because I didn’t know that we were in this state I felt
completely in the dark. The morning of
our final words I had so much joy in my heart and a confidence that it would be
you till the end. I’m convinced I pissed
the devil off to get what was to come next. I felt like we were getting close again and in
an instant you broke my glass and it shattered into a million tiny pieces on
the floor. Prince was the one that said
it best in the “Beautiful Ones” (they always smash the picture). You’re so confident in everything you do from
the decisions you make for your life to the food you decide to eat for dinner
or breakfast that I knew there wouldn’t be much of a fight. I didn’t go against the decision you made for
us both. I loved you like a lie. I never
had enough substance in our Love to believe that you would stay. As you said it
wasn’t up for discussion and that’s when I crawled into a fetal position and I
cried silently to God. You gave me all
the blame & didn’t say one way or another why it was all on me. I’ll admit I swam in dirty water but you
pushed me in. I often wonder if your
heart ever takes a moment to think of how sweet our love making was. Our kisses were sweet and our hearts were
young whenever we spent time together.
Our eyes were innocent, and that always spoke truth to me. *sighs*…

Now I think of when the day will come that I will see you
again? You know my imagination has a way of stretching so far. Maybe we’ll run into each other in an aisle
at Silver Star or in the greeting card aisle at Rite Aid. Maybe our eyes will lock & you’ll see the
tears well-up in my eyes and you’ll remember that I was your biggest fan. I never thought you would leave me alone in
this world no matter where in the world you were. The seas could never separate us because we
always looked for one another. I never
thought it was possible that the day would come when you would no longer be
here. The more I know the less I understand about this and that hurts me too.
The Goodbye was so wrong, so blunt on so many levels yet I don’t know what you
were told or how it made you feel? I
don’t know if I was guilty or if it was just rumorville doing what it does
best? These are the things that only God knows. God Bless the people that spread unconfirmed
rumors. These are the things that hurt
me the most. This is the part where I tuck my tail in between my legs and bow
out gracefully. I’m so hurt because I thought you saw right into the depths of
my soul and I thought you knew that I could’ve been everything that you
needed. I thought Citrus & Bizzy
were special. I wanted to love you in the gentlest way that I knew how. I wanted God to be the only vessel to guide
our love. I wanted you to cook me pasta dishes when I got home from work. My
love tank was empty and the imbalance of our love left me trying so hard to get
you to fill it. I tried with small
gestures to show you how much I cared but it never seemed to be enough. You
were always looking for something else (someone else). You were always second guessing my truth and
eventually I gave you a reason to. I can
be an asshole; Leo’s can be very good at being assholes. I can’t imagine what would make you turn your
back on me? At times, I get angry and I realize that we both took this for
granted. God gave us the floor and we blew it! I used to have visions of our
wedding ceremony; a pretty little destination wedding with our feet in the
water while we recited our vows to one another. Your mother smiling in a way
that made us aware that we fully had her blessing. In the blink of an eye, that dream has
somewhat become a nightmare. I feel so stupid.

I let you into my heart and I knew better. I put my heart in such a giddy school girl
position and I knew better than to do that too.
As your friend I knew you were looking for love and I knew not
necessarily in me. I don’t remember
exactly when we switched it up. I think t
was exactly this time last year but I was glad that we did. You were far from the Tylenol sellers that I
was used to but our spirits always seemed to match. Now as I’m forced to help my heart heal and
as I put my ducks back in a row I still can’t help but think how much I still
love you. I let you down but you let me
down too. I feel empty but please don’t
ever look back. Eventually, I’ll do
something corny like print this letter, roll it up, stick it in a bottle and
throw it in the Bay. I thought you cared
about us more than this. I wish you

Love Always,

Much Luv,
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Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Blessed to Still Be

So it's been a really, really long time folks and I hope that none of you felt completely abandoned by me. When the Relationship Expert falls in Love the advice offering crumbles quickly!!!
The Love Bug bit me so hard!; harder than Cupid could have ever shot me with an
arrow. I watched relationships crumbling around me and it was as if my
relationship advice button was blocked. I could only watch and think of what
advice I would offer but my mouth was muted. I couldn't see or hear much of
anything other than the hopes of my own wedding bells. My head was way up in
the clouds and my heart was softer than it's ever been. Why this sucked for me
& my readers? It was almost as if I couldn't communicate with you. I would a start a blog & attempt to share, but then I felt like I wanted to keep our Love so private. Sweet Songs of Love
in my ear kept the ultimate pep in my step. I had a new attitude that this
egotistical/stubborn Leo refused to shake. If I closed my eyes tight enough I
could envision our wedding and minor details of our future together. As a woman
that's passionate about the things that I do I wanted to step my game-up!
Ladies, ladies, ladies, oh how he matched my swag I tell you I couldn’t have
handpicked a more perfect match. I wanted to be sure that everything he needed
was right there in me. There's no guidebook to falling in Love or with whom and
how it will happen. It's often a bittersweet experience that one has to fully
participate in even knowing that the odds will often be against you. *Sighs*,
(but still smiling as always). Matters of the Heart don't always come with ease.
As much as a person can love, a person can also give way to fear and doubt at
the very same time. Questions often arise like, "What if I'm not good
enough?", "How will he get along with my kids?", or "What
if we don't make it?". The danger-zone begins when fear takes precedence
over the innocence of the Love. What made my most recent attempt fail? I'm sure
he would attribute additional factors but for me I'd have to say women need
commitment. Women don't want to have to "guess" and/or "assume"
our position/place in a man's life and when a man is serious he won't make you.
We don't want or feel that we have to be a "Plan B". We want to be
the one and only and that's when that infamous guard of ours is let down and we
begin to believe in the fairytale ending that we all deserve.

In my case, his eyes told me each and every time I saw him how much he cared. At the same time his eyes told a story of a man that doubted the woman in front of him immensely
(with good reason I must add). A man that constantly had to question if this
was the right woman for him to be with. I have a past that runs deep and I
offer an honesty that can often times be too blunt in deliverance.
Nevertheless, his doubt was difficult for me and in turn it made my love jaded.
I questioned myself and eventually I had to prove to myself that I didn't
deserve him when all the while I knew we both equally deserved each other. Oh
my, I would have gladly been a fool for this man over and over again :-). No
one could deny the happiness or the Love I felt in my heart for him. The only
thing absent was the commitment we needed to move forward. A young girl feeling
of wanting to check the box marked, "Yes, I'll be your girlfriend"
always entered my thoughts. Ha ha, the complications of adult love & the
lack of faith we have in others that comes the coldness of the world we've been
exposed to. We look for people to be frauds when there are still just some
really good souls in the world. *Sighs*, oh how I wanted to give that man everything
I had inside of myself and oh how he brought out the sunniest side of my
spirit. Hearts of Love can fool the tricks of time and they are the hearts that
make it. In retrospect, the more captured I became in his spirit the more I
ignored that there were no labels on our love. No flower deliveries, no boxes
of chocolate, just the spirit of a good man that refused to offer any
commitment to a woman that he didn't fully believe in. The demons of temptation
don't give way to hearts consumed in Love. They're right there to remind uneasy
hearts that they have no place in friendship *sighs*. The hurt I caused will
always haunt me. The hurt he caused will always leave a scar that needs staples
at the moment fuck stitches. All is fair in Love & War and my failed
attempt at Love brings me back to you.

I feel blessed to still be here. To still have this God-Given ability to put pen to paper and to
speak to anyone in the world that's listening. I witnessed so much destruction
in relationships this Winter and I can't wait for the Re-Birth of Spring.
Beautiful Loving Spring is right around the corner and this relationship
columnist is glad to be back!!! Thanks to Mike Karnbach
for saying I "think" I'm an advice columnist, now I'll prove to the
world that I am. As I approach the mark of my 35th
year I am feeling much closer to knowing what I want in and out of Love. I want
most of all a Loving & Peaceful man that truly believes in me. A man that
understands that to err is human & one who knows that my loyalty is to our
team. We've all had enough experiences in life in general to know what we want
and don't want here. We know what we want to be remembered for and what we
don't want to be known as. God delivers us from temptation through prayer and
for all of you that are currently in relationships you truly have my blessing.
I know the damage and the hurt that words can cause and I understand how hard
you have to work everyday to keep your Love on top. Keep pushing because the
reward is knowing that there is a person in the world that has your best
interest at heart and will be there at the drop of a dime. For those of you
just getting into a relationship or planning to get into one soon always be
sure that the efforts of your Love are balanced by your partner. Resentment
lingers anytime one person is more in than the other. Always keep in mind that
the Power of Love can exceed any expectations you or anyone else has ever had
and it can truly endure anything that doesn't constitute blatant acts of
deception or intentional hurt. Walk into Spring feeling renewed in your Love.
Give makeovers anywhere you see that they are needed. Splash color on your Love
this Spring & don't look back on any prior bickering. If you've decided
that your Love has the ability to stand the test of time than remember that
it's only important to move forward. New Love should make you feel colorful.
Your Lover should have the ability to bring the greatest qualities of you out.
Through their support and acceptance of who you are you should move through the
season knowing that you have encountered a great catch!!!

I wish you all Love, Peace, & Blessings. As I move closer to my connection with the Creator I
will be here to offer the best advice I know & to answer all of your
questions on my short-lived Love :-) I Love you all.

P.S. for my chickie Debbie Jones (wear the damn dress every now and then)!

R.I.P Citrus & Bizzy

Much Luv,

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