Thursday, March 27, 2014

Your Baggage Really is OK

As spring enters with its spirit of renewal, my heart is with Single Moms. I recently set off to see Tyler Perry’s newest masterpiece in theaters now, “The Single Moms Club”. I was so touched! This movie was such a classic depiction of the real life of the single-mother of today. We all have baggage! Single-moms aren't the exclusive owners of the complicated stuff that weighs so many of us down. In general, singles will enter into new relationships this season that won't have the opportunity to get started or to flourish properly. Individually, we need to take a serious look at the baggage we’re carrying. We might even have some unclaimed baggage that we don’t even want to think about touching. If you’re reading this and you are over the age of 30 and single, the odds are that you will be bringing some level of baggage into any new relationship that you start. It's quite possible that in addition to children; you may also have student loans, been divorced, have a baby daddy or maybe even a couple of baby daddies (as in my case). You might already have a poor credit score, you may have had a try at unsuccessful home-ownership or a vehicle loan, have pets (not everyone likes them lol), or maybe you're still trying to hang onto childhood dreams that you never fully had the chance to fulfill when you were still in your 20's. With all of that  said, these things can cause serious strain on dating and on any new relationship.

My advice isn't centered on the baggage itself because there isn't a single thing that we can do about that!  For the most part, it is what it is! I also think that it's important for me to say that I still firmly believe in the art of true love and genuine soul connection. When those two factors interact, there isn't a flaw or any messy baggage that a man can't handle as a means to being with you. I also believe that "special person", you're waiting to meet will take you by the hand and actually help you to neatly arrange your mess. On the flip side of things, we are all responsible adults individually and we are obligated to have our affairs in order when decide to begin dating seriously. We're living in a world that sustains itself on facts as it should. That grey-shaded area is quickly tossed to the wind or overlooked mainly because it shouts imperfection and taint. People are hungry to look perfect on paper in today’s world and by all means if that’s what you strive for then go for it! This is why I believe the divorce rate in our country is so high. When our partner’s fall short of our expectations for who they "should be",versus who they "actually", are we discover that they don’t quite measure up. Divorce is a quick fix and many people use it as an easy out.  I don't know about you but I personally have never measured up to any level of perfection. I could be the spokeswoman for that grey-shaded/over-looked area. I have a heart muscle that pumps the purest kind of love and paper doesn’t seem to do any justice for that.  We miss out, when we don't take the time to look beneath what’s on the surface. The rarest forms of diamonds are found deep in landmines under the earth.  Metaphor’s don’t help much in dating so let's realistically fix what we can and depend on God for the rest!

Here are a few common yet essential tips to ensure sure that your bags are neatly packed. I also want to approach the touchy subject of unclaimed baggage which can include, resentment, anger, and bitterness that can stem from childhood or past failed relationships. Either way, I'll keep the subject matter light so that we can have fun with it throughout. I don't know about you but when I'm traveling, I happen to be ridiculously meticulous about how I pack my suitcase lol. I rely heavily on plastic freezer bags (I literally separate my outfits with them). I iron articles of clothing and I make sure that my toiletries are neatly tucked away. When I reach my travel destination, I'm relieved at how organized my things are and how easy it is to unpack them. This helps me to sort quickly through what needs to be hung, laid-out, or put away in drawers. Any good man that meets a good woman doesn't deserve to have to sort through piles and piles of past mess before getting to the true essence of who that woman actually is. Not too mention, it's rare that anyone will wait around for you while you're cleaning YOUR house. Cleaning saves time period (even when we’re cleaning emotionally). Unclaimed baggage is usually emotional.  It’s the anger, disappointment, past hurt, guilt and resentment that we leave untouched simply because it's easier to leave it that way. When we get over a situation we tend to just sweep the underlying emotions under the rug and try to quickly move on. As these emotions stay untouched they linger and they can show up unexpectedly and without any warning.  These often uncomfortable emotions need to be addressed so that the healing process can begin.  What better time to unpack unclaimed baggage then when you’re still single and have plenty of time on your hands?  You can address it, deal with it, confront anyone that might need to be confronted, and you can do it all on your own time without inconveniencing anyone else.
If you're reading this and you haven't spoken to that one particular family member for years, please allow this to be that you needed to call them.  If you and an old friend have fallen out don't let another day go by without apologizing to that person.  By no means, do you have to allow them back into your world but you do need to apologize.  Forgiveness heals both the offender and the victim.  It allows fresh air to fill an enclosed space. If you're reading this and you don't have a passport I want you to apply for one today! If you don't have a driver's license get one! You might be saying, "I don't have any money to travel", or "I don't have a car". What I'm here to tell you today is this: The man of your dreams may walk into your life tomorrow and say, "Let's have our first date in Paris, France", but you won't be able to go because you've neglected to apply for and have a passport sitting in your sock drawer. He also might be filled with compassion at the thought of you and your children waiting at a bus stop in the cold. He might say, "Babe, I have my old car sitting in my driveway and I'd like you and the kids to use it". You CAN'T use it because you don't drive! Do you see where I'm trying to go here? There is something beyond blissful about spontaneity that can lead to abundance. Listen, we have to show-up for life even when life isn’t giving us a real reason to.  This is how we attract more of what we want and less of what we don’t!
The ultimate bottom line is that our baggage does not prevent us from being all of the other things that make us great women! Beauty, intelligence, good manners, great work ethic, class, nurturing and mothering skills all make women unique and appealing in their own special way.  For those of you that may be coming out of a marriage, I would just encourage you to have your divorce finalized before adding anyone else to the mix.  If the divorce is messy then legal separation papers would come before deciding to date again.  It will be difficult for your new beau to explain to his family members that his fabulous new girlfriend is married. DON'T DO IT! Saying that you're simply, "Divorced with children", is much easier.  Heading back to the dating scene is going to be like seeking new employment except for the fact that your résumé will be personal versus professional.  Before you begin, I would even play around with generating a personal résumé at home just to see what you look like on paper to yourself.  If you're able to identify anything that you don't like or you see any red flags, fix it! Write down your hobbies, your personal interest, the last place you've traveled to, etc.  You might even discover things that you didn't even realize that you missed about yourself! You may discover that there are things you want to do independently before you begin dating again. Your personal résumé should speak volume about the woman you are and the direction you're moving toward.  It should say, "I am a woman of great character and I do not have time for playing games". Cleaning house will rid you of lots of dead weight! Dead weight that you have probably been unnecessarily carrying around for years. I promise this will be a refreshing task that will have you excited about dating again. By taking just a little time to get real with yourself, you will offer healing, self-love and forgiveness for what you might have failed at in the past. More than likely I think you'll find men that you would have dated years ago are no longer in your league.  If by chance you encounter a man that doesn't seem to be interested in what you have to offer just keep in mind that he's probably offering himself to another woman lol! Keep it moving and just try again! The journey is ultimately about healing.  There's no better time to make room for LOVE!

Wishing you Blessings and Success with Love this Spring!

Much Luv,

post signature