Friday, November 19, 2010

When It Hurts So Bad...

"I loved real real hard once, but the love wasn't returned", "Found out the man I'd die for he wasn't even concerned." ~Lauren Hill~

Ok, so immediately after writing my last post I decided that I needed to write a follow-up piece. After receiving a flood of responses from women readers that were able to relate; I wanted to be sure that I put it out there that I too have stayed in relationships knowing that there was nothing left. Holding on to every ounce of hope that the union could survive, or what my mind created that it could potentially be, and never allowing myself off the hook enough to say, "He just isn't for me!". I'd like to think of women as the nurturers of the earth. The ones that hold on way longer than we should with the hope that things will change. Does that mean the relationship is somehow meaningless? "No, of course not", it probably doesn't and that's mainly because I'd also like to believe that just because a person isn't compatible with us doesn't mean that he/she won't be the best thing that happens to another person. If we could let go of another person from a place of personal growth then we could look back on the encounter, or the time spent not as waste, but as a learning experience that can only make us better for our next relationship. We hang on to hurt with the hope of change. I'd like to see us get to a place where we can commend ourselves when we realize that something simply isn't working for us. Holding on to hurt by law only causes more hurt to make its way into our lives. I know without a doubt that when we find the strength to release the hurt, and quite possibly the person hurting us then we open the door for healing to take place and for positivity to flood our lives.

I'm definitely one of those woman that is guilty of dating the guy that isn't even remotely compatible with me from "hello". I've dated the weed smoker, the unemployed gent, the blue collared gent, the unmotivated gent, (I could keep going), and while these types of men might be perfect for some women they aren't at all what my free-spirited nature is looking for. What I've come to realize anytime I indulge in these "unhealthy types for my needs", I'm really just fighting a battle that I've already lost. If I went a little bit deeper I'm sure I would connect with why I've spent my time with individuals that don't share my same appetite for life. My appetite for life, or my values and what I want out of my journey here cannot be compromised. The time here is too short and too unpromised to compromise it. It can't just be that I was "looking for love", or that I was "bored", or looking to "impose my values & beliefs" on them. It would have to be something more along the lines that I knew exactly what I would get from these men (the unhealthy types), "nothing". I'm sure you're reading this right now and saying why in the world would she set herself up for nothing? When you set yourself up for nothing you really expect nothing in return. You avoid disappointment on some level because naturally you were already thinking that the person would actually disappoint you. There is no excuse for staying in a relationship that continues to hurt your spirit. I can compare it with picking up a drink that you know may give you a headache in the morning. There's nothing natural about the high that comes from the drink and there's nothing natural about staying in a relationship that hurts.

On the bright side of things, I have become more in touch with a new concept. A concept that real courage comes from taking a chance on real love. Not searching for it every "Girls Night Out", or when I go for my morning coffee. Rather, just being open to the idea that when it enters my life I won't run from it. Through all of my relationship mishaps and through the things that have "hurt me" in the past, I know how important it is for my values to at least be acknowledged if not shared by anyone that I'm with. Settling is no longer an option for me. Sharing my life with someone that shares my hunger for success in addition to my desire to help heal the world that we live in will be the one factor that secures my undivided attention. I'd like to share this journey with all of you and to date, I can let you know that since I have accepted this new clearer outlook it has opened the door to an enormous response of men that are ten notches above anything that I'm used to. Turning what I don't want down has become so easy to do and I honestly couldn't say that even a year ago. I have come to know myself in a way that I am so proud of the girl that stares back at me in the mirror. My mission will continue to be helping anyone who hasn't arrived where I'm at yet. It's a beautiful space to be in and that's why I'm sharing it with you. I had to release the things in my life that were hurting me, and I had to do it in away that was loving and peaceful for my soul and theirs. All the fingers I pointed at the world were the same fingers that I had to turn around and point at myself. I had to acknowledge the role that I played in allowing men in my past to hurt me. I had to let go of what I didn't want and I had to accept when someone let go of me. I learned that some of God's unanswered prayers were the ones that have and will continue to serve my life best. When the hurt is gone the sun shines brightly. The world is entitled to our light. The light that God has given us and the light that he intended for us to share with the world. Let your light continue to shine and make no apologies for who you are!

Much Luv

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Sunday, November 14, 2010

Love Don't Live Here Anymore

I don't know if there's something in the air as of late, but I've been witnessing the heartbreak of a few of my friends over their relationships that are on the brink. Rather than discuss their specific stories I'd rather just discuss what it's like to be in a relationship where you're just going through the motions. It's a struggle when you realize that the person you love doesn't nor will they ever understand, and/or accept you for the person that you are (the only person that you will ever be). Now, I'm not talking about the technical difficulties within a solid union. I'm talking about overlooking all the bullshit a person does, making excuses for them, and then realizing that with each and every excuse and sacrifice you made for them they never saw who you really were to begin with. From a gender standpoint, we as women tend to make the mistake of thinking that we can "fix" men rather than just hearing that man when he tells us exactly who he is and where he's coming from. Adults can't be fixed. They don't change up at 25, 35, or 45. What you see is what you really get. The problem is that we often think we can fill the shoes of being someones personal savior rather than finding the strength to be true to self, and move on to the next. When we set ourselves up for the personal savior role we tend to overextend and bypass one of the most important factors of a healthy relationship, allowing a man to earn our respect. We give it to him free of charge and we confuse catering to him with being a personal doormat, a maid and a servant. So my question is what type of message are we sending? We're sending a message that we're unworthy of respect, self-worth and most importantly love. The end result is that while we wait on the situation to rectify itself hoping all the while that our man will do what's right, and become the knight in shining armor that we've always looked for him to be, he doesn't. He continues to disappoint us day after day until that disappoint results in a multitude of phone calls to our girlfriends asking for advice. "How come he won't marry me?" but the real question is "Why would he?" How can he respect you when throughout the course of the relationship you had no respect for yourself?

This is one of those painful messages that isn't always easy to see. It's much easier to blame others for our shortcomings, but as we get older and really begin to accept the responsibilities of being a responsible adult we must take responsibility for our own hearts. One of my friend's mentioned constant infidelity and an unwillingness to commit for the result of her break-up. At the same time she admitted to years of covering up and pacifying her man's behavior thinking that he would eventually get tired and settle down. I'm a firm believer that a man is a man indefinitely, and when he knows and finds what he wants there isn't a person, place or thing in this world that can keep him from crowning his Queen. On the flip side, my friend was doing all the things that we're taught as little girls to keep our men happy such as, cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry, and dropping it like it's hot regularly at his request. Being the good girl when your with the wrong guy is just cynical. Another problem these couples encountered was the fact that in every situation one person in the relationship refuses to let go. I think R. Kelly probably said it best in his hit song, "When A Woman's Fed Up". For us ladies when we're done we're done. I can't speak too much for males on this one. When a woman loses her physical connection to the man that she's with there's almost nothing that he can do to get that back. See for men I think even when they lose the connection to the woman physically his guilt for the situation can always bring him back to her bed in a possible attempt to start again. Women are a little more emotional than that, and our minds work differently. A woman can let years of unresolved hurt build up before she allows it to explode. When it does explode she will confront it head on like a raging bull, and nine out of ten the man that she's with won't even begin to understand the damage he's caused. He'll feel like since he's gotten away with so much in the past that this is just another rant she's on, and in time it will pass. Not this time. This time she will let him know that there is clearly a limit to her love, and that he has just crossed it. There is a very thin line between love and hate folks, and when you take a person for granted you must be fully aware that you are doing so on borrowed time. All good things come to an end when they aren't nutured and cared for and there is no difference in the case of an intimate relationship. Time wasted on constant nagging and bickering will be all the time that a person needs to evision themselves in the arms of someone else.

Finally, when a man pushes your love away and stops doing all of the things that he did to get you in the first place, the relationship is doomed. Fellas, I promise you we don't get tired of flowers, gifts, dinners, being called beautiful, and you saying I love you before hanging up the phone. The little things always mean the most to us. We don't respond well when those things stop, and if we even so much as think you've stop doing them to enjoy doing them for someone else....whoaaaaaaaaa watch out! Lord have mercy! Brace yourself because you will see the devil come out of us in an instant. More importantly once the gestures of sweetness stop then we will convince ourselves that you don't love us anymore. Of course a good woman is willing to fight for her man, but I promise you there ain't that much fighting in the world. At somepoint we will retreat and you will have to go. The bad part about that is that it typically hurts you more than it hurts us. We pick up with another man that will think we're the best thing since apple pie, and you will end up sleeping with someone you have little to no connection with. In any case when a relationship is done no matter what side of the break-up fence you're on don't be scared to walk away. In most cases walking away may just be the healthiest option. When anger can't be replaced with love and when jealousy and envy replace adoration and respect it really might just be time to walk. A healed heart is a heart that takes responsibility for it's actions and it's participation in the spilt. When we can recognize our own faults it may actually open the door to a more healthy, and more loving relationship in the future. Know your limits and recognize that God may have an entirely different plan in store. Don't look at a failed relationship as personal failure in you. Look at it as growth, and pat yourself on the back for recognizing what you don't want in your life!

Much Luv

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Monday, November 1, 2010

Trying To Enjoy Mr. Right Now

Ok so even though I’ve been wrong about a lot of things in the past. My inner voice has been tugging at me to pay closer attention to someone I refer to as a great friend in my life. Someone I’m extremely proud of, and so glad to be able to even call my friend. I can talk to this person about anything and everything with no holds barred. We have real life conversations that don’t involve sex or what color panties I’m wearing. I’m guessing females always need a good male friend that they can talk to, and confide in but this is seemingly a little different. The one time we went out for dinner I was sure that I had the entire evening “in the bag” so to speak. I didn’t have any reservations about going out with him at all. I was a little sleepy (a Friday evening after work), I was dressed down, feeling breezy, yet the moment I saw him I quickly began to rethink everything. I had on Uggs ladies & gents and we all know there is nothing sexy about that!!!! I immediately wanted to go upstairs and change into the sexiest pair of heels that I could find in my closet. Friends don’t make us feel like running upstairs and changing into a sexy pair of heels do they? Next, I realized how nervous I was. Nervous damn near to the extent that I couldn’t even keep up with our conversation; my mind kept reverting back to what I had on, how my hair looked, and why the hell I had underestimated the evening in the first place. I couldn’t even order because I felt like I couldn’t eat in front of him (Ladies he is fine). It had been a really long time since the last time we had seen each other, and clearly I had just blown the evening. Looking back now it really puts a smile across my face as to how nervous I was. The interesting thing is that I really wanted to be arm and arm, or maybe even hand and hand with him but it would’ve been too weird for me to say that. We complimented one another so nicely, and I think that he was aware of that too. I’m such a hopeless romantic so I can imagine that many of you may be reading this right now and thinking, “Why is she looking”, or “God will send her someone”, but I believe that when signs are clear or when red flags go up (and they typically don’t on my end) it’s really important to take detailed notes and to pay very close attention. I would never jump out of a window and ask him if he picked up on the same energy that evening (although I did recently ask him to marry me in 5 years, which he playfully agreed to lol). Things are never really that simple although I often think they should be. If my hunch in this case is correct there are still a lot of things that divide this person and I, including distance. We don’t live in the same city and if my instincts are nudging me correctly then the timing for him and I is just off at the moment.

With all of that being said I’ve been trying to cut myself some slack and still enjoy my life. That’s easier said than done when you’re looking at anyone who enters the equation as simply a passerby or like the title of the post, “Mr. Right Now”. He’s not the guy that you see yourself spending the rest of your life with for whatever the reason. He’s definitely not the guy that you look into his eyes and see your future. This is where I’m at in this stage of the game at the moment. My mind feels like it’s a complete and total waste of time to spend time with someone I can’t see myself being serious with. If there’s not a will to win and just a will to kind of hangout I’m simply like, “Why bother?” I’m such a go hard. I’m wondering if it’s just best to focus on my family life and my career along with putting some serious energy into praying and moving the mountains that serve as road blocks to the situation I spoke about above. The crossroads of life suck!!! There’s another side of me that reminds myself that we learn something from everyone that enters our lives even when we do just have them there for a short period of time. For those of you that read and know me personally I’m really dry at times. I’m the person that needs a drink before I even head to the party just so that I can really be bubbly versus overly observant and dry. Look at how I’m contemplating over Mr. Right Now lol. I don’t just jump into anything that I do. I will admit that I tend to over think most of the situations in my life but for the most part that has served as a tool to keeping my head above water. What do I do now… I find myself looking to my readers for advice.

How does one just enjoy someone in the present? We’re encouraged to enjoy life in present and to live each day like it’s our last. When you get to be my age how do you just contemplate having fun in between the sheets with someone versus doing it to go in for the long haul. I’m sorry but I’m really past that. I don’t want to just “lay up” with someone that I’m not claiming or vice versa. I can’t see sitting at restaurants and having dinner if I can’t see having dinner with you again. It just seems like such a complete and total waste of time and energy. Everything I write about generally condemns booty calls so now I’m at a crossroad where I will either have to engage in one or I will have to choose abstinence and just enjoy single life while it last. What a place to be. I guess this is all part of being a grown up. The amount of self respect I have for myself just really limits me from doing anything that doesn’t make complete and logical sense to me. Someone calling me their baby temporarily makes no difference to me. Does that mean that I don’t have a fun side? “No”, it doesn’t. I still have a fun side that’s easy going but not when it comes to sharing my goods with a random stranger just for the sake of having an orgasm that isn’t even guaranteed. I’m not with it! I love flirting, and having, fun and engaging with the opposite sex. At the moment I’m just not interested in taking it any further than that. As I continue to type I find myself sighing because whether he reciprocates my feelings or not I think the way I’m feeling is all a result of having come across Mr. Right. Who knows?

Much Luv

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