Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Afraid To Win

My most avid readers know that I've been gone for some time now. A writer's retreat? Possibly, but more of an intimate recap with myself. I've taken the "BC" puzzle completely apart and slowly I'm putting it back together again. An evaluation right before my one year blog writing anniversary. The vacation hasn't stopped me from writing but it has halted me from publishing. I have created blog posts over the past two months, yet for respect of my own privacy (my own diary) I have withheld from publishing to protect some of the things that have become most dear to my heart. I've turned over every stone of my past and what I have come to realize is that I have been immensely blessed & touched by the spirit of God throughout the course of my journey. God has chosen me to do great things with my life. He has ordered my steps accordingly and I have been afraid to take them. It's not easy for me to admit and/or always recognize my fears but in this case I recognize them fully. Less than a year ago I started this chronicle journey; A journey that I stepped out on faith to begin and one that would consist of my most intimate thoughts and experiences being public information to share and help others while providing therapy and release for myself.

I have been places within the last year that I could have never foreseen. The birth of a successful radio show (Dreamcatcher Radio with the amazing Cashay Chanel), new friends, business partners and continued support from those that never left. A diamond in the rough that wants desperately just to shine. My own worst critic, and I have now come to realize that I will need more structure and perseverance than I have ever needed before in order to move forward. Afraid of attaining everything that I want with a contradicting desire to have it all. Who knew it would all take off so quickly? Who knew that God would say, "The worse is over, now it's time to take your place and to live your life". How does one enjoy the sunshine when one is so conditioned to the rain? That's where I've been folks. I've been taking the puzzle apart and I've been realizing that I'm deathly afraid of being the best. I'm so used to things not working in my favor that when they do I quickly panic. I panic to the point of palpitations and I quickly sabotage the things that God has made simple for me. *sighing & taking a long deep breath* I often blow it when I don't have to. As I try desperately to live in the Now while always trying to peek ahead and take a look at my future I realize that it's time for change. What future? No one says that my future has to come. Do I know what I want for my future if it does come? Maybe, but maybe I should spend more time just living for today. I realized just yesterday that so many of my friends have died. They had to think at some point that they would live forever, but nevertheless they're gone and they're not coming back. God's mercy on my life has been unbelievable. That means that I'm obligated to make the most out of everyday without complaining. The length of my hair, the amount of cellulite in my legs, the stretch marks on my belly that beautifully bear the signs of the children I have bore are all things that will no longer exist when I leave this world. I will never look like Halle Berry and I'm finally okay with that (*smiling*). The time one spends complaining really limits how much they make of their life. It's important to re-evaluate yourself whenever you reach a crossroad that causes confusion. Love can't enter the heart when the heart is unhappy. In a split second someone in the world is overjoyed while someone else is feeling the destruction of sorrow and pain. I often find myself somewhere in the middle and very unrightfully so. How could I have so much and at times see so little? I took a trip outside of the U.S. last week. What I learned is that my country is filled with an abundance of wealth and that has helped me to reorganize my entire thought process.

I checked my Divatude away when I landed in the Dominican Republic. I wanted to fully submerse myself in the culture without being glued to my resort. The Gallo's (Roosters) were up calling at 5 a.m. every morning, and I was up and ready to start my day! I expected a little poverty and despair so I was prepared to share whatever I could. What I didn't expect was what I actually saw. On my drive into town I saw cows, and horses that looked more anorexic than a Hollywood celeb. Bones showing on an animal that wasn't sick was something I've never witnessed before in my life and I deeply took it all in. The nipples of a dog that hang down to the ground was also something I was unfamiliar with. I asked why the dogs had their nipples so low and so swollen and it was explained to me that dogs breed every three-months in DR. Something we control in the U.S. from happening. Devastation was the only word that continued to enter my mind and I silently prayed for my blessings and for my children. A strong desire to help and to touch followed me throughout the course of my day and I felt a holiness that I've never been quite so aware of. Washing my hands in a bucket, or using a toilet without a seat or tissue paper to wipe became habitual by the end of my day. I was treated with more respect and smiles than I encounter when I'm home and I hugged and smiled with people as if I knew them for a lifetime. A man named Francis graciously took me around and I told him several times throughout the day that his spirit could be compared to gold (solid & rich). When one wears the name of a Saint I think it's important to try hard to live up to example previously laid. Francis arranged a meal for my friends and I later in the evening, and I was so gracious for the invitation. Eating outside in DR meant that flies are welcomed guests at the dinner. You would be surprised how unwelcomed a fly is here in the States yet how accepted a fly is in a third world country. My trip outside of the country reconnected me with the importance of truly being humble, something I lose sight of unintentionally from time to time. None of us are better than anyone else as we are all part of humanity on the same quest for peace. Where one person is doing well, another is doing not so well and as a race we have to be sympathetic in our understanding. Some of us are just happier with what we have then others and for those of us that aren't we need to learn to be. Life is a beautiful experience in its simplicity. Live, Laugh and continue Loving as these are the things that we were placed in this world to do.

As my journey continues, so will The B.C. Chronicles. Thank you for reading xoxo.

Much Luv

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