Saturday, March 16, 2013

So Many Failed Attempts

Someone asked me the other day, “BC, how’s your relationship with your Dad?”  I felt this immediate sadness come over me as I carefully thought of my answer. Before I could speak it, my heart was warmed with the feeling of holding his strong hands.  “Pops” has always meant the world to me.  My protector, my provider and the first man I ever loved and trusted.  How could it be that so many years have gone by without us speaking or writing one another?  Déjà vu flooded my mind, as I remembered Pops and I going to visit his father in the hospital while he was on his death bed.  Pops didn’t want him to die and he had not made peace with him in this life.  All I could remember him saying was that they never got along.  Pops and I on the other hand were like two peas in a pod. We were both Leo’s (me in July him in August), we were both the center of attention in our worlds and I could never imagine us being inseparable.  How someone could be asking me about him in 2013 and I not have something positive to say like, “My relationship with my Dad is perfect!” “My Father is so proud of the woman that I have become.” I thought, “Oh Heavenly Father, what have I done? How in the world could I be so cold to the one man that has always given me the softest part of his heart?  I imagined my sit down in Heaven with Jesus Christ.  I could see Jesus saying, “My child you were told to Honor your mother and father”.  What a disappointing response I would have to offer.  “I haven’t spoken to my Dad in years?”; “Oh My God, Why BC?” the next question.  To avoid further embarrassing myself I just said, “We had a fallen out”.  The actual answer should have been, “I didn’t get my way, and I stopped contacting him”. 

What an evil person I must be to do such a thing. My father told me, “No”, at the one time in my life that I needed a, “Yes”.  My father never knew what I was going through behind the scenes because I’m very careful at protecting the feelings of the people that I care about the most. I was facing rejection and heartache by my youngest child’s father like I had never experienced thus far in life.  Had I been younger and hurt I would have just run to my Dad.  He would have picked me up and carried me to comfort like he always did.  God Blessed me immensely with the father that he chose for me.  I can’t tell you how accident prone I was as a child (I’m still an accident prone adult as well).  Pops was just always there.  He bandaged my cuts and bruises, pulled my hair away from my face when I had to vomit and always, always, always tucked me in at night with the big kisses that only he could provide. The scent of his Jovan Musk is something that I will die with embedded in my senses. How could I expect him to know that I was hurt or that I needed him if I wasn’t willing to share what I was going through at the time?  Pops had other children and they shared everything with him.  I being an isolated only child didn’t really understand how to do that.  My fondest memory of him is that he never stopped listening to me.  Anyone that knows a writer, knows that we talk about everything and we can go on and on with great detail.  We can captivate a moment with our words and make you feel like you were there. His long fingers and 6’2”, stature always made me feel safe.  My dad would have gone to the ends of the earth for me.  My biggest fear in life is that the next time I lay eyes on him will be the same way it was when we went to that hospital to see his Dad; “Father God, why is life so immensely complicated?”

I looked for my Dad in every relationship that I ever had. One failed attempt after another, and I don’t know if I should be happy or embarrassed to say that no one quite measured up to him.  My Dad is that awesome!  A hands-on man that can paint, cook, clean, fix things, care and provide for his children and still manage to extend his hand to others.  They don’t make them like him anymore.  I always knew that he would walk me down the aisle when I got married.  I also knew that he would have, “the talk”, with whomever I married.  I knew that my Father was not pleased that I had children out of wedlock, yet and still he supported me regardless.  My Father believed in my ability when I stopped believing in myself.  I’m what you call flighty.  When the going gets tough I run to avoid life’s issues.  I’ve hurt my father many times by this.  Never opening up and never being able to truly lean on him the way I did as a child.  They say the way to a person’s heart is food.  My Father always made it his business to feed me and to feed me well.  Holding my hand, listening to me, explaining how important the Chicago Bulls and Michael Jordan were are things that my Pops did for me. I can think back to a particular summer day when my sweet tooth was fully charged.  I ate so much junk that day and my Dad said, “Bobbi, you are going to get sick”, but like a glutton I just kept going.  My Dad had a waterbed back then and when I finally settled down to watch TV…oh my, was I sick and I mean really sick.  My Dad took care of me without ever feeling the need to say, “I told you so”, and that is the type of relationship I’ve searched for as an adult.

I did come close.  I know that for certain.  In my relationship with Citrus, I can honestly say that even his voice reminded me of my father in his younger days.  His character, long fingers, love of basketball and stature were also a huge contribution.  Failed attempts at Love are like tripping and falling in the street.  It’s painful, but it’s also terribly embarrassing.  Unfailing Love is so hard to come by in a world that is cultivated by logic.  There is no space for logic in love.  The most analytical thinkers will still only feel love with their heart muscles. Love is simply a feeling, but it’s everything.  Love needs more love to grow, the way a plant needs water.  Every attempt at love isn’t going to be successful attempt and that’s why it’s an attempt. It’s very important to walk away from each attempt with more wisdom than you walked in with to begin with. Love can be so bittersweet at times.  Love is the most special and intimate feeling we can have here on earth. The best advice that I can offer my readers on failed attempts at Love is consciousness.  Many fall into the trap of wanting to fill the void of being alone. Take the, “lonely time”, to study what you could have done better, what you’ve learned and more importantly what you want for the future.  Always live in the moment and acknowledge every sensation of your pain. It’s ok to be hurt because hurt feelings are an affirmation that you loved hard.

I believe in loving hard and I also believe that love holds no records.  Wronged doings will always be forgiven in a love that’s for you.  Love never gives up.  It’s enduring, unfailing and absolutely unending.  Love is sweet, and it’s so very kind.  It’s gentle, humble, righteous and unconditional. My Father taught me that.  Even in my wrongs, his Love never faltered or died. I walked away from my Father’s love and I will have to live with that for a lifetime.  Has anyone ever asked you what your relationship with your Father was like ladies? Fellas, how is your relationship with your Mom?  The answer to these questions will be a major contributing factor as far as what you will and won’t accept in a relationship.  I want you to also keep firmly implanted in your mind that what and who is for you will be just that.  That is God’s Grace.  What God brings together, no man can separate. You won’t have to sell yourself or make someone see what they can’t naturally.  If for some reason, they don’t see you, then that just means it’s time for you to move onto the person that will.  You can still love them and want what is best for them yet you owe it to yourself to keep moving forward.  Often times, I long to be that small child that waited and depended on my Father for everything; as we’d cruise in his Blue Mercury, Topaz listening to Luther Vandross I knew that we would always be one in each other.  Unfortunately, today that just isn’t the truth.  Today our relationship is non-existent.  I want to be the adult-child and leave him responsible to look for me versus me having to continually find himL.  That probably isn’t going to happen and such is life. They say that a girl has to kiss many frogs before finding her true Prince Charming.  Let your heart be open and full at all times.  One person’s trash will always be another person’s treasure.  Stay strong and keep your Faith in the Lord.  God Bless You All.

Special thanks to Mrs. Beyonce Knowles-Carter. After watching her HBO Documentary, “Life is but A Dream”, I realized how fragile I too felt because of my non-existent yet quite fixable relationship with my Dad. Thank God for my Blog.  The B.C. Chronicles is where I talk out loud. When I don’t have answers I still find refuge here on these pages that belong to me.  

Much Luv,

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