The Alpha-Female

Hello, I am the Alpha-Female. I am strong-willed, overly confident at times, difficult to please, I love extra hard with a dedication that often can't be matched and my ambition and natural curiosity for life & my life even more specifically is undying. I don't back down easily and I'm not always comfortable wearing a dress. I'm a "wear the pants" type of girl which can serve me well in some areas and destroy me in others at the very same time. I'm a Lion in every sense of the word. I move with a slow stride and with a high head. I am a natural-born leader and I have a difficult time putting myself before others. My will is to change the world that I live in even if it's in the smallest of ways. I own a room almost instantly after walking into it because this is my nature. My Alpha-Female spirit makes it easy for me to be single yet can make it difficult for me to be in a relationship which really sucks. I am sarcastic and witty and my tact isn't always warmly welcomed by the opposite sex. Living in this generation of "sex vs love" a lot of potential or would-be potential suitors are left eating dust when they try to divide and conquer this lion-heart. I have the spirit of a man with the heart of the most gentle of women. I tolerate no arguments in Love because Love is the one thing in this world that I believe is just simple. When I see disturbance in Love I walk away and I don't look back. Love enters where there is calm not where there is chaos.

In this new "sex generation", I see less marriage and more broken hearts. I see couples making excuses for the once popular monogamous relationship and I see these relationships being replaced with open relationships. The blasphemy of open relationships saddens me. The generation of "No Church in the Wild", we move further and further from the peace we search for while we look for pleasure in sex. Sex with no strings attached and sex accepted by a partner as long as both parties agree. The temple of our souls are sacrificed for 8-minutes of sweaty pleasure or non-pleasure depending on the partner. What are we coming to as a world and why are there still double standards in 2012? The Alpha-Female knows no double standards. A woman is taught to Act Like A Lady yet to Think Like A Man but it's typically men that are left speechless when and if we decide to mock the gender. When we mock the gender all rules apply. When grown-ups make the foolish mistake of entering into a sexual relationship without any labels on their love they leave the ball court wide open. In these cases, typically one person is more connected to the lust than the other party and what happens next is a disastrously painful break-up with a guy or a girl that was never your boyfriend or your girlfriend to begin with. Envisioning a future in someone you were only an option for is painful and this is why going forward I intend to write more blog posts surrounding abstinence and the importance of loving one's self first and finding what happy is for you. I'll leave the preaching for the Pastor's on Sunday but one thing I can promise you is that having meaningless sex that doesn't incorporate the emotion of Love will NOT get you any closer to finding inner peace or happiness. It can actually deter you from your course and move your heart further away from everything that it truly desires. Be wise in Love because when you lose it you don't get it back.

We're animalistic individuals by nature in some ways and that may never change. Our minds have the capability to exhibit enormous amounts of self-control where and when we allow it to. We have control over all the negative things in the world from sex to substances. We can either be aware or turn a blind eye and indulge in the forbidden fruit. It's safe to say that the Alpha-Female can have any man she wants and this is why more often than not out of 10 man there will be only 1 that barely strikes her interest. Her dominance can lure even the strongest of men, the will be intrigued with the challenge of dating her alone because she is never easily impressed no matter how kind the gesture. This type of female is different and a man will have to do very different things to get and to keep her attention. Men become easily obsessed with the different type of personality that this woman possesses. An Alpha-Female will never stay under the thumb of an overly obsessed man. As soon as she can break free she will and her eye will be keener at avoiding this type of man in the future. I'm an Alpha-Female, I will break hearts more than I have my own heart broken and this is the curse that I was born with. What type of female are you? Let's Talk About It...

Much Luv

Dear You

*This will be my final goodbye to him. I will not revisit
this topic again. I won’t be bitter but instead I’ll find joy in my own humanness
& accept my imperfections as is. I
will push through the pain, erase my fear to move forward little by little, and
I will reflect on what I could have done better. I heard someone say, “Don’t chose the better
guy, chose the guy that makes you the better girl”. I had both in you; the better guy that made
me the better girl. He let go for reasons that are still unbeknownst to me and
all I can do is accept that the odds were never in my favor to begin with. This
will be my last letter…

Dear You:
I’m so emotional today.
The things that remind me of you are insane. It’s only been a week and
I’m still sick to my stomach. I still
find myself in tears when the chords of a certain song penetrate my soul. I thought our friendship and I repeat our
friendship was unbreakable until you said, “Our friendship has run its
course”. That hurt beyond any words that
I can express with my own vocabulary. I
feel like you sold me out & I’m certain that you feel like I did the same
to us. It hurt so much because I didn’t know that we were in this state I felt
completely in the dark. The morning of
our final words I had so much joy in my heart and a confidence that it would be
you till the end. I’m convinced I pissed
the devil off to get what was to come next. I felt like we were getting close again and in
an instant you broke my glass and it shattered into a million tiny pieces on
the floor. Prince was the one that said
it best in the “Beautiful Ones” (they always smash the picture). You’re so confident in everything you do from
the decisions you make for your life to the food you decide to eat for dinner
or breakfast that I knew there wouldn’t be much of a fight. I didn’t go against the decision you made for
us both. I loved you like a lie. I never
had enough substance in our Love to believe that you would stay. As you said it
wasn’t up for discussion and that’s when I crawled into a fetal position and I
cried silently to God. You gave me all
the blame & didn’t say one way or another why it was all on me. I’ll admit I swam in dirty water but you
pushed me in. I often wonder if your
heart ever takes a moment to think of how sweet our love making was. Our kisses were sweet and our hearts were
young whenever we spent time together.
Our eyes were innocent, and that always spoke truth to me. *sighs*…

Now I think of when the day will come that I will see you
again? You know my imagination has a way of stretching so far. Maybe we’ll run into each other in an aisle
at Silver Star or in the greeting card aisle at Rite Aid. Maybe our eyes will lock & you’ll see the
tears well-up in my eyes and you’ll remember that I was your biggest fan. I never thought you would leave me alone in
this world no matter where in the world you were. The seas could never separate us because we
always looked for one another. I never
thought it was possible that the day would come when you would no longer be
here. The more I know the less I understand about this and that hurts me too.
The Goodbye was so wrong, so blunt on so many levels yet I don’t know what you
were told or how it made you feel? I
don’t know if I was guilty or if it was just rumorville doing what it does
best? These are the things that only God knows. God Bless the people that spread unconfirmed
rumors. These are the things that hurt
me the most. This is the part where I tuck my tail in between my legs and bow
out gracefully. I’m so hurt because I thought you saw right into the depths of
my soul and I thought you knew that I could’ve been everything that you
needed. I thought Citrus & Bizzy
were special. I wanted to love you in the gentlest way that I knew how. I wanted God to be the only vessel to guide
our love. I wanted you to cook me pasta dishes when I got home from work. My
love tank was empty and the imbalance of our love left me trying so hard to get
you to fill it. I tried with small
gestures to show you how much I cared but it never seemed to be enough. You
were always looking for something else (someone else). You were always second guessing my truth and
eventually I gave you a reason to. I can
be an asshole; Leo’s can be very good at being assholes. I can’t imagine what would make you turn your
back on me? At times, I get angry and I realize that we both took this for
granted. God gave us the floor and we blew it! I used to have visions of our
wedding ceremony; a pretty little destination wedding with our feet in the
water while we recited our vows to one another. Your mother smiling in a way
that made us aware that we fully had her blessing. In the blink of an eye, that dream has
somewhat become a nightmare. I feel so stupid.

I let you into my heart and I knew better. I put my heart in such a giddy school girl
position and I knew better than to do that too.
As your friend I knew you were looking for love and I knew not
necessarily in me. I don’t remember
exactly when we switched it up. I think t
was exactly this time last year but I was glad that we did. You were far from the Tylenol sellers that I
was used to but our spirits always seemed to match. Now as I’m forced to help my heart heal and
as I put my ducks back in a row I still can’t help but think how much I still
love you. I let you down but you let me
down too. I feel empty but please don’t
ever look back. Eventually, I’ll do
something corny like print this letter, roll it up, stick it in a bottle and
throw it in the Bay. I thought you cared
about us more than this. I wish you
well.

Love Always,

Me

Much Luv,

Blessed to Still Be

So it's been a really, really long time folks and I hope that none of you felt completely abandoned by me. When the Relationship Expert falls in Love the advice offering crumbles quickly!!!
The Love Bug bit me so hard!; harder than Cupid could have ever shot me with an
arrow. I watched relationships crumbling around me and it was as if my
relationship advice button was blocked. I could only watch and think of what
advice I would offer but my mouth was muted. I couldn't see or hear much of
anything other than the hopes of my own wedding bells. My head was way up in
the clouds and my heart was softer than it's ever been. Why this sucked for me
& my readers? It was almost as if I couldn't communicate with you. I would a start a blog & attempt to share, but then I felt like I wanted to keep our Love so private. Sweet Songs of Love
in my ear kept the ultimate pep in my step. I had a new attitude that this
egotistical/stubborn Leo refused to shake. If I closed my eyes tight enough I
could envision our wedding and minor details of our future together. As a woman
that's passionate about the things that I do I wanted to step my game-up!
Ladies, ladies, ladies, oh how he matched my swag I tell you I couldn’t have
handpicked a more perfect match. I wanted to be sure that everything he needed
was right there in me. There's no guidebook to falling in Love or with whom and
how it will happen. It's often a bittersweet experience that one has to fully
participate in even knowing that the odds will often be against you. *Sighs*,
(but still smiling as always). Matters of the Heart don't always come with ease.
As much as a person can love, a person can also give way to fear and doubt at
the very same time. Questions often arise like, "What if I'm not good
enough?", "How will he get along with my kids?", or "What
if we don't make it?". The danger-zone begins when fear takes precedence
over the innocence of the Love. What made my most recent attempt fail? I'm sure
he would attribute additional factors but for me I'd have to say women need
commitment. Women don't want to have to "guess" and/or "assume"
our position/place in a man's life and when a man is serious he won't make you.
We don't want or feel that we have to be a "Plan B". We want to be
the one and only and that's when that infamous guard of ours is let down and we
begin to believe in the fairytale ending that we all deserve.

In my case, his eyes told me each and every time I saw him how much he cared. At the same time his eyes told a story of a man that doubted the woman in front of him immensely
(with good reason I must add). A man that constantly had to question if this
was the right woman for him to be with. I have a past that runs deep and I
offer an honesty that can often times be too blunt in deliverance.
Nevertheless, his doubt was difficult for me and in turn it made my love jaded.
I questioned myself and eventually I had to prove to myself that I didn't
deserve him when all the while I knew we both equally deserved each other. Oh
my, I would have gladly been a fool for this man over and over again :-). No
one could deny the happiness or the Love I felt in my heart for him. The only
thing absent was the commitment we needed to move forward. A young girl feeling
of wanting to check the box marked, "Yes, I'll be your girlfriend"
always entered my thoughts. Ha ha, the complications of adult love & the
lack of faith we have in others that comes the coldness of the world we've been
exposed to. We look for people to be frauds when there are still just some
really good souls in the world. *Sighs*, oh how I wanted to give that man everything
I had inside of myself and oh how he brought out the sunniest side of my
spirit. Hearts of Love can fool the tricks of time and they are the hearts that
make it. In retrospect, the more captured I became in his spirit the more I
ignored that there were no labels on our love. No flower deliveries, no boxes
of chocolate, just the spirit of a good man that refused to offer any
commitment to a woman that he didn't fully believe in. The demons of temptation
don't give way to hearts consumed in Love. They're right there to remind uneasy
hearts that they have no place in friendship *sighs*. The hurt I caused will
always haunt me. The hurt he caused will always leave a scar that needs staples
at the moment fuck stitches. All is fair in Love & War and my failed
attempt at Love brings me back to you.

I feel blessed to still be here. To still have this God-Given ability to put pen to paper and to
speak to anyone in the world that's listening. I witnessed so much destruction
in relationships this Winter and I can't wait for the Re-Birth of Spring.
Beautiful Loving Spring is right around the corner and this relationship
columnist is glad to be back!!! Thanks to Mike Karnbach
for saying I "think" I'm an advice columnist, now I'll prove to the
world that I am. As I approach the mark of my 35th
year I am feeling much closer to knowing what I want in and out of Love. I want
most of all a Loving & Peaceful man that truly believes in me. A man that
understands that to err is human & one who knows that my loyalty is to our
team. We've all had enough experiences in life in general to know what we want
and don't want here. We know what we want to be remembered for and what we
don't want to be known as. God delivers us from temptation through prayer and
for all of you that are currently in relationships you truly have my blessing.
I know the damage and the hurt that words can cause and I understand how hard
you have to work everyday to keep your Love on top. Keep pushing because the
reward is knowing that there is a person in the world that has your best
interest at heart and will be there at the drop of a dime. For those of you
just getting into a relationship or planning to get into one soon always be
sure that the efforts of your Love are balanced by your partner. Resentment
lingers anytime one person is more in than the other. Always keep in mind that
the Power of Love can exceed any expectations you or anyone else has ever had
and it can truly endure anything that doesn't constitute blatant acts of
deception or intentional hurt. Walk into Spring feeling renewed in your Love.
Give makeovers anywhere you see that they are needed. Splash color on your Love
this Spring & don't look back on any prior bickering. If you've decided
that your Love has the ability to stand the test of time than remember that
it's only important to move forward. New Love should make you feel colorful.
Your Lover should have the ability to bring the greatest qualities of you out.
Through their support and acceptance of who you are you should move through the
season knowing that you have encountered a great catch!!!

I wish you all Love, Peace, & Blessings. As I move closer to my connection with the Creator I
will be here to offer the best advice I know & to answer all of your
questions on my short-lived Love :-) I Love you all.

P.S. for my chickie Debbie Jones (wear the damn dress every now and then)!

R.I.P Citrus & Bizzy

Much Luv,

When the Sun Sets

For the past few weeks I've been looking death directly in the face. It's sort of been in the air. I've watched families mourn, children lose their parents, mother's lose their children and needless to say it's been sad. Death leaves an eerie feeling on the souls that are still living because we begin to truly conceptualize that our lives replicate that of an hour glass. No one wants to forget that the present is a gift and as hard as one tries to remain peaceful in nature, kiss the kids before they walk out the door, and spread love at all times, in all actuality we're only human. As humans we carry the weight of the world and that's a heavy burden to bear. I constantly have to remind myself the importance of living in the now. Especially, when I find myself outlining a plan for two or three years down the line. I might not be afforded that much more time here. This idea of "Living everyday like it's your last", is pretty easy to understand yet it's often difficult to execute because who really wants to die? I don't want to die. Does that mean I want to live forever? Not exactly, I'd actually settle for old age :-). I believe in the "Bucket List", and I think that all of us should be clear not only on what we want from this life experience but also what we would like to do before we make our grand exit. My writing will remain in the world when I'm gone and for those that know me and even for those that don't a sense of who I was will always remain on these pages. My writing has enabled me to leave my imprint in the world that I enjoyed living in immensely. I'm extremely satisfied with that. It brings me great peace. Traveling to Europe would be at the top of my bucket list for a few reasons. One has to travel the world to really grasp the journey and even more so to appreciate it. To have the full experience of life one has to leave their comfort zone and submerge in different culture. The world looks different to us all.

Knowing that life is a blessing makes it easy for us to appreciate family and friends in the same light. Knowing that each day is a precious gift should motivate us to shape our lives and push harder toward our goals. The idea of putting things off until tomorrow should be removed from our thought process. Life is inevitably what we make it and we grow up learning this to a certain extent but never in its entirety. Girls grow up looking forward to fairytale weddings, while Boys grow up wanting to be an All-Star. The message that often isn't clear is how important it is to just Live and Love. Living will have a different meaning for each individual person. What living is to me most certainly won't be what living is to you. The common ground is doing everything you want to do here in an unstoppable manner. The cycle is, "When you fall, you get up", and the key to that cycle is learning to get up quickly. When it comes to a broken heart the quickest way to heal is to let go of the person who broke it quickly. The world circulates at a pace that doesn't give us too much time to lay dormant. The quicker we let go of things that cause us pain, the quicker we free ourselves and get back to our true nature. Any negativity we harbor generates itself as more negativity in our lives. When we lose a loved one along the way we often have to push harder toward attaining what we want because it becomes that much clearer that we are working on a limited timeline. We have to push through the pain of grief quickly by allowing ourselves a brief period to mourn. We can never get stuck in the mourning process because in return it would kill us. We have to bask in the memories of the person that has passed, and we have to be mindful that the sun will set for us one day as well.

Here is my advice. Live your life in a loving fashion that circulates and promotes laughter and peace in return. Never stop giving thanks when you wake up to see another day because it honestly didn't have to come. Always believe in the world that you live in even when it gets cold (even more when it gets cold). Try your very best never to hold grudges (people don't always make this easy). Always keep in mind that they are human and that are entitled to feel however they feel about you. Let them go today and wish anyone that has wronged you Love & Light and hopefully they will wish you the same in return if you have wronged them. When we allow people to hurt us continuously, we let them know that they are more important to us than we are to ourselves. Love the people that love you back and try your best never to take them for granted. Because they will always be in your corner and they will always be first up at bat for you. I Love you all and I'd like to share this story with you...

At 7:13 a.m. on September 30, 2011 I texted a friend that will never have the opportunity to text me back. What I was unaware of at the time that I sent the text was that he was shot and killed around 11:30 p.m. on September 29, 2011. He was 30 years-old at the time of death and he leaves behind two beautiful daughters, plus family & friends that will miss him dearly. I saw him 4 days before he was killed. We talked, we hugged and he said, "B, I got mad love for you". His spirit was filled with love every single time that I saw him. He never let it show when he was down on his luck. He just continued to spread love with the people in his life right up until the very end. Why did he go so early? I'll never be able to answer that question.

~In Loving Memory of Donald Rose~

Much Luv

Still Living My Dreams

So as the 1st anniversary of The B.C. Chronicles is vastly approaching (6/7/2011), I'm feeling so immensely blessed to report that I'm still living my dreams. Who knew when I started this project nearly a year ago that this is where I would be today? The plan that was never really too much of a plan or overly thought out took off running. I often take time to reflect and re-evaluate where I'm at today, and where I see myself in the next 3-5 years or so. What's most important to me going forward is that I continue to work hard at becoming a published author, which is a goal that I now fully understand is completely attainable. Writing a book is so important to me at this point in my life, and I have spent the last few months examining how I intend on executing that plan. By the grace of God the linkage that I have encountered this past year has been incredible. I have been blessed to dip my hand in writing an urban fiction novel with Jason Lanzar Rivera and my passion for writing has deepened immensely as a result. The world of fiction writing is colorfully intense because that platform allows me to paint the picture as I see it not necessarily as it happened, and the storyline can go as far as I can take it. Another place this journey has taken me is to Internet radio and I'm most definitely looking forward to delving further into this realm. Jermaine Smith A.K.A. Mr. Jay Everyday (Everyday Radio) has offered an opportunity that I am beyond grateful for. Mass communication in general wasn't something that particularly interested me in college but because journalism always was I can see a correlation. Writing for SwagHer Magazine one of my latest endeavors has been another outlet that I have enjoyed deeply. I get write about relationships and I get to speak to an audience that isn't all that familiar with BC. Ahhhhhhhhh, it's the feeling one has when everything feels so real.

I'm in a great place and I can feel it, touch it, and I can almost taste that there is more to come. What if I hadn't done it? What if I had ignored the visions that were so clear in my mind a year ago? What if I hadn't decided to step out and act on faith to pursue my passion? God blesses each one of us with individual talents and gifts that are unique and wrapped in his spirit. I thank God for this day and for the fact that I was able to connect with mine. God wants all of our dreams to come true and because we live in a world that makes all things possible I want each one of you to know that you can have it all. DEDICATION is a word that is way too under used in our culture. It's a word that eliminates quitting and failure at the door. It's a word that is related to perseverance, and it isn't related to failure in the least. Marriage seems somewhere close within my reach, and as my career expands I pray to God that I will walk in my marriage with grace. I desire to have a graceful marriage one that's built on love, yet submerged in self-control and honesty. In the meantime I acknowledge my flaws, and I am trying to work on them accordingly. Love, peace, happiness, health and success are all gifts that God wants us to have. The journey ends eventually and having someone to share the time with only makes sense. God is more merciful than any of us will ever be able to comprehend. When our hearts are weak and ready to throw in the towel God throws the towel back. Endearing...

I need each and every one of you to believe in yourself with fire. A fire that burns bright and runs deep. A fire that is fierce, and can't be easily put out with water. A fire that still burns even after its been extinguished. I was born into the fire sign (Leo), and that means I stay fully charged at all times. My dedication along with my determination to live a full life will always keep me ten steps ahead of the game. I don't stop because I know I can't. I don't let others dictate what is right or wrong for me. I live in a world filled with abundance and that means there is enough room for me and for every other dreamer that opts to catch their dreams the way I do. We are the generation of the Dreamcatchers and that was part of the reason Cashay Chanel, (Co-Host of Dreamcatcher Radio) and I chose that name for our radio show. The Dreamcatchers don't spend any of their time with the Dreamkillers because the consequences could cost us a dream. Dreams are precious visions from God that offer us a sneak peak into what potential our futures hold. Our dreams are our wishes. The birth of another project after starting my blog just makes me giddy, and I realize that anything is possible for BC. In this short period of time I've met people I used to only admire from a far like Egypt Sherrod, Radio Personality 107.5 NY (above middle), and Demetria Lucas, Relationship Editor for Essence Magazine. A year ago I couldn't even see anything like that happening. If you find yourself sitting here reading this and you've been pondering over an idea or a project I say, "Go for it!" The world needs you, and you need not deprive the world. You are a master at manifesting your own destiny and I encourage you highly to go for it! If no one around you gets it but you feel strongly about it, "Go for it!", and push hard. I recently designed a t-shirt for The B.C. Chronicles and for a split second I thought to myself, "Why am I doing this?" I quickly dismissed that thought because I knew sooner than later it would all make sense. Writing my blog, talking on Internet radio, attending relationship panels, working on a book, designing t-shirts, interviewing inspiring guests are all things I didn't see in my future a year ago. 10 people will read this post and only 1 person will need the message. This is how the power of God works through each of us.

I wish you all continued success and the ability to persevere in all of your endeavors. The world is yours when you take a step forward toward what you want. God's intention for you is to be happy and to live in peace with love embracing you as a light. When you start something follow through and be patient with it. Like any flower in a garden if you water your dreams I promise you that they will grow. Peace, Love & Blessings to you all!

Much Luv

Frequency

"I try to leave the messages here that have served me best throughout my journey." "Life is a revolving door, but that door doesn't revolve around you". ~BC~

Change the frequency whenever you can, stay postive...

I was talking to my Loki baby yesterday. She's the one I call whenever I'm really struggling with an issue because her support is undying. Judgment never comes into play within the walls of our friendship so as we discussed the issue at hand she shared something that someone in her life recently told her. The person expressed a negative vibe that they get from her when situations arise. She then said to me, "Loki we tend to have a negative view on situations we encounter." I was quiet for a minute and before responding I thought to myself, "Damn, she just hit the nail on the head!" Often times we support each other so much as friends that we get caught up in the pity party together and where we need to find balance in being positive we can often support each other in the negative. I finally responded and I said, "Loki you're absolutely right". I realized in a split second that I wallow in the negative when I feel like giving up. The one time I need to be the most positive is typically when I'm the most negative and guess what the end result always is? Because we discuss the law of attraction here all the time you already know what the end result is. My Loki baby isn't much of a philosopher, but she went on to say, "Loki we bring on the negative shortcomings in our life", and she couldn't have been more correct. I quickly decided that I needed to immediately change the frequency of how I was feeling yesterday. There was way more positive occurrences happening in my day than negative so I needed to focus on that. I returned from my writer's retreat had a new post on The B.C. Chronicles and was feeling positive as a whole to let something out of my control hurt me or make me feel physically sick. I needed to stop personalizing and even more I needed to let go of that energy quickly. What I realized as the day continue was a wakeup call I've been needing for some time now.

I am a DRAMA QUEEN with a capital "DQ". I am an emotionally reactive person that is learning with age to think before acting but at times I still impulsively speak before giving adequate thought to what I'm saying. I let the lioness roar and then I feel terrible once I calm down and I'm ready to retreat to the den. The problem with this is...The people I already have in my life have learned over time to ACCEPT my behavior. They may not exactly like the way I act yet they have accepted or come to understand me and they love me as is. As we incorporate new friends, lovers, business partners etc...into our lives they DO NOT have to accept our ways and/or our behaviors. They will take a step back when they encounter us at our worst, and they will then have to decide if they are willing, and/or able to incorporate us into their inner circle. All my daters I need you to listen closely to this one. No matter how old you are please don't think for a single second that going into a new relationship you will be able to bring all of your set ways with you. The only way a new relationship will be built concretely is if it's built on compromise. If you recognize behaviors within yourself that you need to work on then you need to be fair in letting your new significant other know. That person, then has the OPTION to choose if they want to accept you into their life. They can either decide that they are willing to meet you where you're at, and maybe help you work on your issues, or they can decide that what you bring to the table just simply won't work for them. The beauty in their decision is that although it may sting a little it belongs to them and you can't help them come to their conclusion. What I learned is that my "DQ" ways (mannerisms) don't serve me well at all, and I need to consciously work at changing them. While being a "DQ" or in full "DQ" mode I tend to personalize everything and I often hurt some of the people closet to me without that ever being my intention. When someone tells me something like, "I need time" or "I need a minute" depending on the circumstances I often only hear that the person needs a break from me because I've done something to them. Personalizing everything causes unnecessary stress, drama, sadness etc., and it's so unwarranted because typically it isn't personal. I constantly have to do a wooooosah and remind myself that I'm not living in the world according to BC. Easiest way I reach this is by letting go and letting God. Peace & Blessings to you all.

Read this rendition of the Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr, and let me know what you think...

God Grant Me the Serenity

to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.

Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life, And supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

Much Luv

Afraid To Win

My most avid readers know that I've been gone for some time now. A writer's retreat? Possibly, but more of an intimate recap with myself. I've taken the "BC" puzzle completely apart and slowly I'm putting it back together again. An evaluation right before my one year blog writing anniversary. The vacation hasn't stopped me from writing but it has halted me from publishing. I have created blog posts over the past two months, yet for respect of my own privacy (my own diary) I have withheld from publishing to protect some of the things that have become most dear to my heart. I've turned over every stone of my past and what I have come to realize is that I have been immensely blessed & touched by the spirit of God throughout the course of my journey. God has chosen me to do great things with my life. He has ordered my steps accordingly and I have been afraid to take them. It's not easy for me to admit and/or always recognize my fears but in this case I recognize them fully. Less than a year ago I started this chronicle journey; A journey that I stepped out on faith to begin and one that would consist of my most intimate thoughts and experiences being public information to share and help others while providing therapy and release for myself.

I have been places within the last year that I could have never foreseen. The birth of a successful radio show (Dreamcatcher Radio with the amazing Cashay Chanel), new friends, business partners and continued support from those that never left. A diamond in the rough that wants desperately just to shine. My own worst critic, and I have now come to realize that I will need more structure and perseverance than I have ever needed before in order to move forward. Afraid of attaining everything that I want with a contradicting desire to have it all. Who knew it would all take off so quickly? Who knew that God would say, "The worse is over, now it's time to take your place and to live your life". How does one enjoy the sunshine when one is so conditioned to the rain? That's where I've been folks. I've been taking the puzzle apart and I've been realizing that I'm deathly afraid of being the best. I'm so used to things not working in my favor that when they do I quickly panic. I panic to the point of palpitations and I quickly sabotage the things that God has made simple for me. *sighing & taking a long deep breath* I often blow it when I don't have to. As I try desperately to live in the Now while always trying to peek ahead and take a look at my future I realize that it's time for change. What future? No one says that my future has to come. Do I know what I want for my future if it does come? Maybe, but maybe I should spend more time just living for today. I realized just yesterday that so many of my friends have died. They had to think at some point that they would live forever, but nevertheless they're gone and they're not coming back. God's mercy on my life has been unbelievable. That means that I'm obligated to make the most out of everyday without complaining. The length of my hair, the amount of cellulite in my legs, the stretch marks on my belly that beautifully bear the signs of the children I have bore are all things that will no longer exist when I leave this world. I will never look like Halle Berry and I'm finally okay with that (*smiling*). The time one spends complaining really limits how much they make of their life. It's important to re-evaluate yourself whenever you reach a crossroad that causes confusion. Love can't enter the heart when the heart is unhappy. In a split second someone in the world is overjoyed while someone else is feeling the destruction of sorrow and pain. I often find myself somewhere in the middle and very unrightfully so. How could I have so much and at times see so little? I took a trip outside of the U.S. last week. What I learned is that my country is filled with an abundance of wealth and that has helped me to reorganize my entire thought process.

I checked my Divatude away when I landed in the Dominican Republic. I wanted to fully submerse myself in the culture without being glued to my resort. The Gallo's (Roosters) were up calling at 5 a.m. every morning, and I was up and ready to start my day! I expected a little poverty and despair so I was prepared to share whatever I could. What I didn't expect was what I actually saw. On my drive into town I saw cows, and horses that looked more anorexic than a Hollywood celeb. Bones showing on an animal that wasn't sick was something I've never witnessed before in my life and I deeply took it all in. The nipples of a dog that hang down to the ground was also something I was unfamiliar with. I asked why the dogs had their nipples so low and so swollen and it was explained to me that dogs breed every three-months in DR. Something we control in the U.S. from happening. Devastation was the only word that continued to enter my mind and I silently prayed for my blessings and for my children. A strong desire to help and to touch followed me throughout the course of my day and I felt a holiness that I've never been quite so aware of. Washing my hands in a bucket, or using a toilet without a seat or tissue paper to wipe became habitual by the end of my day. I was treated with more respect and smiles than I encounter when I'm home and I hugged and smiled with people as if I knew them for a lifetime. A man named Francis graciously took me around and I told him several times throughout the day that his spirit could be compared to gold (solid & rich). When one wears the name of a Saint I think it's important to try hard to live up to example previously laid. Francis arranged a meal for my friends and I later in the evening, and I was so gracious for the invitation. Eating outside in DR meant that flies are welcomed guests at the dinner. You would be surprised how unwelcomed a fly is here in the States yet how accepted a fly is in a third world country. My trip outside of the country reconnected me with the importance of truly being humble, something I lose sight of unintentionally from time to time. None of us are better than anyone else as we are all part of humanity on the same quest for peace. Where one person is doing well, another is doing not so well and as a race we have to be sympathetic in our understanding. Some of us are just happier with what we have then others and for those of us that aren't we need to learn to be. Life is a beautiful experience in its simplicity. Live, Laugh and continue Loving as these are the things that we were placed in this world to do.

As my journey continues, so will The B.C. Chronicles. Thank you for reading xoxo.

Much Luv