Saturday, March 10, 2012

Dear You

*This will be my final goodbye to him. I will not revisit
this topic again. I won’t be bitter but instead I’ll find joy in my own humanness
& accept my imperfections as is. I
will push through the pain, erase my fear to move forward little by little, and
I will reflect on what I could have done better. I heard someone say, “Don’t chose the better
guy, chose the guy that makes you the better girl”. I had both in you; the better guy that made
me the better girl. He let go for reasons that are still unbeknownst to me and
all I can do is accept that the odds were never in my favor to begin with. This
will be my last letter…

Dear You:
I’m so emotional today.
The things that remind me of you are insane. It’s only been a week and
I’m still sick to my stomach. I still
find myself in tears when the chords of a certain song penetrate my soul. I thought our friendship and I repeat our
friendship was unbreakable until you said, “Our friendship has run its
course”. That hurt beyond any words that
I can express with my own vocabulary. I
feel like you sold me out & I’m certain that you feel like I did the same
to us. It hurt so much because I didn’t know that we were in this state I felt
completely in the dark. The morning of
our final words I had so much joy in my heart and a confidence that it would be
you till the end. I’m convinced I pissed
the devil off to get what was to come next. I felt like we were getting close again and in
an instant you broke my glass and it shattered into a million tiny pieces on
the floor. Prince was the one that said
it best in the “Beautiful Ones” (they always smash the picture). You’re so confident in everything you do from
the decisions you make for your life to the food you decide to eat for dinner
or breakfast that I knew there wouldn’t be much of a fight. I didn’t go against the decision you made for
us both. I loved you like a lie. I never
had enough substance in our Love to believe that you would stay. As you said it
wasn’t up for discussion and that’s when I crawled into a fetal position and I
cried silently to God. You gave me all
the blame & didn’t say one way or another why it was all on me. I’ll admit I swam in dirty water but you
pushed me in. I often wonder if your
heart ever takes a moment to think of how sweet our love making was. Our kisses were sweet and our hearts were
young whenever we spent time together.
Our eyes were innocent, and that always spoke truth to me. *sighs*…

Now I think of when the day will come that I will see you
again? You know my imagination has a way of stretching so far. Maybe we’ll run into each other in an aisle
at Silver Star or in the greeting card aisle at Rite Aid. Maybe our eyes will lock & you’ll see the
tears well-up in my eyes and you’ll remember that I was your biggest fan. I never thought you would leave me alone in
this world no matter where in the world you were. The seas could never separate us because we
always looked for one another. I never
thought it was possible that the day would come when you would no longer be
here. The more I know the less I understand about this and that hurts me too.
The Goodbye was so wrong, so blunt on so many levels yet I don’t know what you
were told or how it made you feel? I
don’t know if I was guilty or if it was just rumorville doing what it does
best? These are the things that only God knows. God Bless the people that spread unconfirmed
rumors. These are the things that hurt
me the most. This is the part where I tuck my tail in between my legs and bow
out gracefully. I’m so hurt because I thought you saw right into the depths of
my soul and I thought you knew that I could’ve been everything that you
needed. I thought Citrus & Bizzy
were special. I wanted to love you in the gentlest way that I knew how. I wanted God to be the only vessel to guide
our love. I wanted you to cook me pasta dishes when I got home from work. My
love tank was empty and the imbalance of our love left me trying so hard to get
you to fill it. I tried with small
gestures to show you how much I cared but it never seemed to be enough. You
were always looking for something else (someone else). You were always second guessing my truth and
eventually I gave you a reason to. I can
be an asshole; Leo’s can be very good at being assholes. I can’t imagine what would make you turn your
back on me? At times, I get angry and I realize that we both took this for
granted. God gave us the floor and we blew it! I used to have visions of our
wedding ceremony; a pretty little destination wedding with our feet in the
water while we recited our vows to one another. Your mother smiling in a way
that made us aware that we fully had her blessing. In the blink of an eye, that dream has
somewhat become a nightmare. I feel so stupid.

I let you into my heart and I knew better. I put my heart in such a giddy school girl
position and I knew better than to do that too.
As your friend I knew you were looking for love and I knew not
necessarily in me. I don’t remember
exactly when we switched it up. I think t
was exactly this time last year but I was glad that we did. You were far from the Tylenol sellers that I
was used to but our spirits always seemed to match. Now as I’m forced to help my heart heal and
as I put my ducks back in a row I still can’t help but think how much I still
love you. I let you down but you let me
down too. I feel empty but please don’t
ever look back. Eventually, I’ll do
something corny like print this letter, roll it up, stick it in a bottle and
throw it in the Bay. I thought you cared
about us more than this. I wish you

Love Always,

Much Luv,
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