She Speaks

She Speaks

Sitting here thinking about all the red flags you said went up

My flags were always white

Loving you caused me so much pain

Apologies

Today I just feel meh

Meh in the way that I lost

I was chasing you

You were chasing her

She was chasing you

But when I turned around, I realized that no one was chasing me

From cereal to heartache

Scattered pieces to dry tear ducts

Promises of unbroken friendship

Lies of undeniable hatred

The thin lines

There’s a win to every lose

The Lessons were worth the pain

The Joy always outweighed the Rain

I’m still crazy and you’re still out of your mind

The irony of my all

No part for me in, “Moody’s Mood for Love”.

Can you really lose what you never had?

Best thing…

Bright Lights only know light, even when it’s dark

I release you from my heart in love & light

The key to my heart wasn’t in your locket

For now, I’ll put it back in my safe box for safe keeping

I wish you lifelong happiness

A new white chapter is beginning for you

Mine is still unwritten

Much Luv, 

I Fell Asleep in Heaven

I felt completely in my element as I maneuvered through this place quickly; as if I had spent a lifetime here. I can remember passing out flower petals by the handfuls to little children that were so happy to see me coming. I knew all of these children very well.  Their little faces bought me so much joy. Some would run up and smile while others just wanted to touch the tips of my fingers.  One child found so much joy in simply resting his tiny hand on my cheek  as I knelt down to give him a handful of petals.  The children would throw the petals in the air while singing, laughing and dancing with one another.  On this day I moved with an unusual haste.  I had a meeting scheduled with Jesus in the quiet garden.  Jesus spent a lot of time alone in the quiet garden and none of us bothered him when he was there.  An Angel summoned me earlier this day and advised me that the Lord needed to speak with me.  I knew Jesus very well and I was eager to hear what he had to say. He was my Heavenly Father but he was also my best friend.  I could talk to him about anything and his caring advice was always perfectly on time.  Everyone here was Jesus’ best friend and he always made time for all of us; especially when we were heavily burdened and in need of counsel. He started our discussion by commending me on my work here in heaven.  I couldn't help but to notice the glass coffin lying on top of a beautiful pedestal in the middle of the garden. It had this magnificent glow to it and inside I could see that the linens and pillow were made of silk in a pearl like color. In this place called Heaven we don’t have any fear or anxiety because we trust the Lord for everything.  I was an eager spirit and Jesus always commended me for my naturally inquisitive ways.  I had a fascination with the brilliant colors of the flowers and I also shared this same fascination with the colors of the birds and how they soared in the wind.  I would wear my clothing drapery light and flowing to my ankles. I always selected the whitest of whites although we could also wear pearl and ivory. I was eager to hear what the Lord had called me to do today.  Like a soldier of war I was ready to serve in any way that he needed me to.  

I thought that Jesus might want me to spend more time with the children. I had the feeling that he would want me to take them out into the valley and read to them more.  I enjoyed reading to the children.  I was rather surprised when Jesus said that I had done everything that he needed me to do in Heaven. He knew that I was eager to dream about Earth as I had heard some of the elders discussing their Earth dreams amongst each other. “Oh how delightful”, I blurted out and Jesus’ face became instantly grieved.  He said, “My child they will reject your spirit in your Earth dream”.  “Your spirit is much like mine and they prefer the darkness there”.  The darkness was only something I had heard the elders discussing.  I knew it wasn't pleasant like the flowers but I still said, “Jesus, the elders come back and say that what they loved most on their Earth dream was their children”.  They explained to me that they had children that specifically belonged just to them.  I couldn't completely understand that because I loved all the children here in Heaven the exact same and I knew that they all loved me with the same heart. Jesus said, “You will have 3 children on your Earth dream to care for”. “Wonderful”, I said, as my heart instantly warmed up with love for them.  “Your love for them will make it difficult for you to wake up but you will have to leave them and come back home to your work here”, Jesus said.  “Yes Father”, I understand.  I didn't want to come back from my Earth dream old like the elders because I knew the children of Heaven depended on my spirit. Jesus didn't typically call anyone my age to have an Earth dream because the elders would say, “they just weren't ready”.  The elders never discussed the darkness of the Earth dream because they would say, “It’s too painful to talk about”.  A very old elder once said to me that Earth was a wild and dirty place and she begged me to ask Jesus to never let me have the dream because she said I was, “too pure”, and “too beautiful”.  I still wanted to go.  I heard stories of love, and joy and of communion with others that filled me with happiness. There was a connection that the elders made there that they could simply never forget and I didn't want them to.  I knew Jesus was mistreated during his Earth dream and he had the holes in his hands and his feet that showed it.  Because I never experienced anything but peace, joy, love and cleanliness I couldn't imagine violence or crime or any of those words that the elders used to describe their Earth dreams. I began to pray for an Earth dream each night before I closed my eyes. 

This is why I was in the quiet garden with Jesus today.  He said, “I hear your prayers child but my heart grieves to let you enter the Earth dream”. I said, “Father, I promise I will be ok”.  I promised to be a good person and a good, “mother”, the words the elders used to describe people that had children specifically assigned to their care. Jesus said, “I know and that is why I have chosen to let you go now, but I must warn you that you won’t come back here the same”.  “Oh thank you Father and I promise I will come back the same”, was all that I could muster up to say.  I didn't get to tell my friends in Heaven that I was going but I knew like the elders before me that I would be back. I didn't think that Jesus would let me sleep long enough to become old. Some of the elders were old and very shaken-up when they returned as if it were more of a nightmare.  Jesus would send me to sit with them and to say caring words to them until they remembered that they were back home and no longer asleep and in the dream. I had a lot of work to do in Heaven with the children so I knew I couldn’t be in my dream for long. “Oh finally, an Earth dream”, is what I thought to myself as Jesus walked with me over to the glass coffin.  Jesus explained that I wouldn't remember Heaven in the dream and that when I did it would be nearing the time for me to return home. He said that he would watch over me every step of the way because I was his child and he cared for me deeply.  He warned me of the temptations that Satan would throw my way and he explained that my love for the 3 children would make me want to stay in my Earth dream forever.  Jesus said, “I will be here when you wake up and I will be the one to help you to ease the pain of the separation from them”.

They will never forget you and I promise that when they wake up from their own Earth dream I will reunite the 4 of you here.  You have done great work here in Heaven and this will be my reward to you. He also said that each of them would keep a tiny piece of me that would carry them through their own Earth dreams and I thought that was splendid. I smiled big because I couldn't imagine loving anyone the way that I loved Jesus. My heart always sang his praises. Now, I was even more eager to fall asleep. Jesus held my hand and assisted me into the glass coffin.  The linen felt like I was lying on a cloud.  I was honestly sleepy from walking in the valley all day and passing out flower petals. Jesus could feel my fatigue. My cheek gently touched the silk pillow and I looked at Jesus with my big eyes and said, “Thank you Father”, and he responded, “Sleep my child and have your Earth dream”.  “I will be here, right by your side to greet you when you wake up”, and as fast as he said those words I briefly remember thinking that having a love connection during my Earth dream would be so sweet; I closed my eyes and fell fast asleep.

1 Thessalonians 5:5-6 “For you are all children of the light of the day; we don’t belong to darkness and night.  So be on your guard, not asleep like the others”.

Much Luv,

Young Motherhood

I woke up on this beautiful Mother’s Day morning and I decided to discuss what the essence of motherhood has been like for me.  First, I’d like to say that I have the utmost respect for all of the mothers of the world.  The mothers of the world are the nurturers, the supporters and the light givers.  We pass the torch. Whether you’ve birthed a child, adopted a child, donated your time as a mother-figure to a child, supported a child, encouraged a child, or work with children, you will want to read this post.   On my journey, I’ve been blessed to experience the inexplicable joy of motherhood and of childbirth three times.   By no means do I feel like I have any particular expertise in this field but I will say that I’ve always tried my best to rear three joyful children that know God’s love for them.  What I am quite familiar with is young motherhood.  I’ve seen reality TV distort the nature of it for personal gain with shows like Teen Mom; so I decided to share what this experience has been like for me.  I can vividly remember thinking moments after my oldest daughter’s birth, “What am I going to write on?”  I wasn’t keeping a journal at that time because I was being physically abused by her father.  I quickly began pulling pages out of a parenting magazine and tried my best to jot down all of my thoughts on any free space that I could find.  Today, I’m almost scared to ask my mother for those early writings because I know they’ll be so painful for me to read.  I can tell you this; I have never seen anything so humanly perfect before the day that my daughter entered the world.  She had the cutest hands and feet that I had ever seen.  She clung to me as if her life depended on it and I realized that she was just as acquainted with me, as I was with her, from the 9-month journey that we had just come off of.  Love never made as much sense to me as it did when I first laid eyes on that child.  Of course I could feel the love in my heart that I had for Jesus, yet this was very different. This was like that love magnified.  You see, this was my Creator’s love for me cradled in the blessing lying in the crease of my arm. Tears would stream frequently when I came close to her.  I would never pick her up unless the nurse at the hospital handed her to me because I too was still just a child myself.  I was 16 years-old when Mercedes made her grand entrance into the world and I was no longer responsible for only myself.

Did I have a plan?  Not even the slightest. People were extremely critical of my age at that time and of course looking back now I know why.  I was still in high school, I didn’t have a steady job, and I didn’t have a remote clue of how I was going to provide for this child. There was no fluffy bank account stashed, I didn’t have a baby shower to receive any gifts and I definitely didn’t know how this child would get into college.  I probably should have been walking around feeling some intense level of guilt and shame while I was pregnant but I didn’t.  I knew in my heart that my child was supposed to be here and that I was chosen by God to bring her into the world. I felt filled with a spiritual blessing yet my reality was quite dark.  Her father was a local drug-dealer in my neighborhood so buying pampers and baby formula were no big feat for him.  I was a thinker on the other hand. I was a writer and quite frankly I knew I should have been preparing for doom but I was at extreme peace. Being in an abusive relationship with such a controlling man left me with very limited access to outside resources; most controlling individuals want the person they’re controlling to be completely codependent on them and only them.  Alternative schools for pregnant teens and young adults like, “The Door”, in NYC would have gladly added me and Mercedes to their enrollment list.  I took their pre-college assessment exam with a friend and I passed with flying colors. Only problem was, my abuser wouldn’t “allow”, me to attend school.  My new job according to him was to, “tend” to my daughter. A young mother has to have a vision of what’s at the end of the platform.  If she doesn’t, she’ll simply tank and tanking was not an option for me. I was filled with the Spirit and it was that same Spirit that never left my side. I lived with my abuser who was gone for the better part of the day.  Raising my little girl each and every day gave me joy.  Plugging into her made the harsh reality of my life easier to accept. Every now and then a trusted friend would come by just to make sure that I was still alive. They know who they are and up until today that sentiment still warms my heart.  Nurturing is instinctual and spirit guided. I didn’t have my mother or my father on standby for when I needed to run errands, get money or go to school. My mother resented my decision to have my child and in her anger she withdrew her support. It was my daughter and me, day in and day out and I think by the time she turned about three, I was her hero.

God Blessed me with two daughters between the years 1993 and 1994.  The physical endurance it took to raise my two precious little girls at the very same time is still something I can’t quite put into words.  As I write and edit this publication I keep choking on my tears.  Pretty ponytails, well-balanced dinners and bath time were mandatory parts of my mommy job that came with no wages.  My pay came from hugs, kisses and really big smiles.  My abuser was locked in prison by early 1995 and my mommy became a sole-proprietorship that lasted until their adult years.  Lots of love and a very well-paying hospital job helped my daughters and me to stay afloat.  The love and dependence that the three of us had for one another is what makes them being away at college so difficult for me today.  Private school, trial and error, lots of episodes of Barney, and divine favor shown to us by our Heavenly Creator is what ultimately carried us through.  The highest reward in all of it for me has been earning the respect of two young women old enough to be my younger sisters.  Watching them fearlessly aim for their dreams while manifesting their own destinies has been an added bonus. My youngest daughter Portia told me just last week that I'm still her hero. My journey was different from an older more established woman’s journey of motherhood.  Should it be embraced differently?  I don’t really think so. I tend to view it this way, “We all have different paths”.   Children make their entrance into the world in God’s time.  Mothers that are handpicked for this precious position can find a blessing in answering the call.  Mothers of any age need encouragement and support from everyone around them.  Dealing with toddlers throwing food in your face and smelly diapers is a really tough gig whether your 17 or 40.  Young motherhood requires even more support as they try so desperately to raise themselves while they continue raising their children and make the sacrifice of giving up young life.  I was blessed to have a lot of babysitting years under my belt before my girls arrived.  I began helping my grandmother to care for my younger cousins when I was just 8. I know that gave me a loving head start for what was just around the corner for me.  Often times, that’s how God works.

A very unexpected miracle arrived in the form of a son later in my 20’s.   His name is Jessiah and his light is brilliant. I’d somehow resonated to the fact that it would always just be me and my girls. I had a very difficult pregnancy with him yet a voice let me know one day while I was sitting on the train that he would be alright.  I never wanted anything more than for him to arrive into the world and to be ok.  His stay in the hospital was longer than mine and initially that was a crushing blow.  God showed up in the form of a very gentle pediatrician that said to me, “God didn’t make any mistakes with your baby”.  This Mother’s Day feels extra special to me and for a change I’ve slowed down enough to take it all in.  All of the pictures, all of the school-made mommy cards, and all of the text messages I get these days; makes every tear, every difficult time, worth it.   Motherhood is an extraordinary relationship that we have here on earth.  It’s the one role that is always underappreciated.  The world says, “Go be independent”, “Go be liberated”, “Go be skinny”, “Go get botox”, “Chase Hollywood dreams”, but it never says, “Go and be a Mom”.  Motherhood is a sacred calling. Motherhood is selfless and it comes with chores and nurturing that will far exceed a child turning 18 years of age.   Psalm 127:3-5, has such beautiful commentary regarding young parenthood and children, “Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him. Children born to a young man are like arrows in a warrior’s hand. How joyful is the man whose quiver is full of them!” In a world that has learned to use abortion as a form of birth control I love the challenge of this verse. Mothers that celebrate their children will raise children that celebrate their mothers. I encourage you to celebrate the mothers in your life today! Some of us have more than one.  Lift them up in prayer, and let God know how much it means to you to have them in your life.  If your mother or your grandmother has already traveled back to heaven, please let God know how grateful you are for the precious time that you were blessed to have spent with her.  The memories of a mother’s love will live in her children eyes forever.  God Bless all of the Mothers of the World today.

Much Luv,