Saturday, February 5, 2011

Balancing Acts of Peace

Last weekend a friend of mine read something to me from an Iyanla Vanzant book. The quote read like this, "I believe in my right of unlimited goodness in my life". I was struck by it instantly and that's mainly because I thought, "Damn, I really believe this". I believe that I deserve all that this life has to offer. After letting that statement settle in my thoughts I realized that it was loaded with positive inspiration. I wondered why many of us struggle to believe that it is our God giving right to be happy and fruitful on this journey? The human condition is so complex for spiritual beings because we tend to be so hard on ourselves in the physical form. Many of you that read my blog posts and are familiar with my history know that I have struggled with bouts of depression from time to time after giving birth to each one of my children. Depending on what was going on in my life at the time that depression was pretty intense, and because I was unfamiliar with depression altogether, and lacked coping skills I often found refuge in food or alcohol. I'm glad to say those days are far behind me and I can't ever imagine traveling back to that dark place. What I struggle with today is reminding myself that my joy is my own to keep. No one can come in one day and say, "Hey, turn over all your joy." As I continue to encounter all types of people and different personalities on my journey I have to remind myself that everything isn't always going to click. Everyone is not going to "like me" or "share" in my vision to change the world. The resistance and tension that this can cause is often the hardest for me to work through depending on the role that these people play in my life.

This week was overwhelmingly difficult for me in a number of ways. As I realized that I was struggling to make someone in my professional career see me exactly the way I see myself. I wanted the person to know my heart, my reality, and to know that my work ethic is solid. I work the same way that I love...passionately. Do you really want to know what I learned by the close of yesterday evening? That the person never will. They will always see me the way that they do and that's the beauty of their God giving right. There will more than likely never be anything I can do to change that person's perception of me. After a week of struggling and heartache I decided to let go and to let God. Obstacles are part of the journey for a number of reasons. They prepare us for what's next. I think the ones that we don't understand are most likely the ones that hold the most meaning. I know I generally tend to internalize things and I can remember when an upcoming executive working on Wall Street was telling me one day, "It's not all about you". Those words have stood with me for years because when my heart begins to hurt I have to remove myself from the equation, and remember not to take it personally. The people we encounter through our professional careers are typically not people that we would surround ourselves with in our personal lives. We're forced by the power of our paychecks into a makeshift setting for eight hours, or more five to six days a week.

The ability to find a peaceful balance within that community (for lack of a better word) is all at our fingertips. We are the only ones that can let stress in when it comes knocking at our door. We are the only ones that can tell anxiety to go to hell when it follows us to the bus stop. Outside entities can't have dictatorship over our lives if we don't give them the power to. They can only be as damaging as we allow them to be. In my situation, I quickly redirected my thoughts. I did so by taking a moment to realize that every single day that I walk into my office I offer 100% of myself. The B.C. Chronicles take a back burner as does my fiction novel Family Business. My focus and my emphasis is on changing my clients lives for the better and I will continue to do so until God makes me clearly aware that it's time to move on. Some would say that I'm giving too much of my energy to it here on my page, but in all actuality this is where I'm leaving it.

Before I leave you let me just share with you how awesome the Creator is. In times of confusion and struggling I believe he reveals his presence in undeniable ways. I worked late on Thursday evening. In NYC, it must have been around 10 degrees and with all the snow we've had as of late it quickly turned to ice. A co-worker suggested that I take a cab home and although that made complete sense I decided on taking the bus. I thought of walking one block further to a limited bus stop, but then again decided to wait on the local. I noticed that there was a connecting bus at my local stop (something that I had never taken notice of before). People got off as three of those buses stopped to load and unload passengers. With the last connecting bus that stopped I noticed a man walking very slowly and cautiously on the ice. He had on dark black shades and finally I noticed he was walking with the stick that blind people use. I walked over to him because I was immediately concerned that he needed my help. As I got closer I confirmed that he was blind and I asked him politely if I could help him. At first he laughed, I mean seriously blind people must get that all of the time and the laughter as it was later explained by him is that blindness is a condition that becomes a way of life. "George" was his name (yes I asked), and he is 58 years-old. As I locked my arm in his I asked him why he would come out in such severe weather conditions and he said, "They need me". I of course then said, "Who?" George explained that he is the leader of a church choir on Greene Street in Brooklyn, and that the choir would still come to rehearsal so his presence was necessary. I felt a knot developing in my throat as George sat on the bus with me and told me that he has been blind for 39 years. I asked him what happened and he just said, "Glaucoma". Ugh!!! I immediately began counting my blessings and it dawned on me how blessed I am. My family is healthy I'm healthy, and here was George a blind stranger that had a smile that could warm even the coldest of hearts. George told me he makes the most of his life and of the stick that he walks with and he assured me that he was going to make it tohis church in one piece. Something inside of me knew that he would because God has George at all times. He told me that his sister's birthday is next week and that she's turning the big "55" his chuckle was so contagious. I asked him if I could get off with him and walk him to church and he just laughed and said, "No way it's too cold." He told me that his sister's name is Barbara so he will never forget my name or how concerned I was for him.


Much Luv

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