Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The Unhealed Heart

The unhealed heart is fragile. It is weak far beyond anything that the mind can comprehend. It is bitter because it has seen the coldness of the world. It bleeds and then it becomes more and more self-destructive. Past damage and fear make it difficult for the unhealed heart to move forward. The unhealed heart suffocates because it is damaged and has been so badly abused. The unhealed heart believes a liar and it sees a halo where there are only horns. The unhealed heart touches the rose even when its thorns are too sharp. The unhealed heart has a fear of flying yet it clings to silent hope and therefore it can be fully restored. My unhealed hurt was healed less than a year ago. This is my story...

After receiving a phone call this past Sunday I was asked to make guest panelist appearance tomorrow evening at a very successful internet radio station. When the station's owner Jermaine Smith called me, he not only asked if I'd be interested in the slot but also how I felt about tomorrow's topic, "The Unhealed Heart". I must admit the topic immediately appealed to my soul because without stating the obvious I was able to relate. "Jay" as he is better known as is also the Editor-in-Chief of "Everyday the Magazine" and I felt this instant gratification deep at my core that we were meant to work together. I didn't hesitate to accept the slot because I've come to learn that when something feels right I just have to go with it. I also happen to be a survivor of the "Unhealed heart syndrome" and I thought to myself, "This conversation will surely be therapeutic". It seems easier to understand the basis of my existence as the universe continues to send positive projects of awareness my way. As soon as I hung up with Jay I began jotting down my notes for the show. I took myself as far back as I could in an effort to remember my first encounter with the unhealed heart.

The year was 1990, and I was around 14 years-old at the time. It was a Saturday afternoon and my mother who loves to shop at local yard sales happened to go down a wrong block trying to locate a home. To her surprise she stumbled upon my step-father's vehicle that was parked at someone else's house that was unbeknownst to her. My mom being curious by nature decided to go and knock on the door of the unknown person's home. Did I mention that my dad was supposed to be visiting my uncle in Tampa, FL? Hmmm??? To my mother's SHOCK my dad opened the door of the unknown home and unfortunately what stood out to her the most was the fact that he didn't have on any shoes. It would take more than the allotted space here to tell you exactly what my mom did next. Let's just say she's not the coolest headed person in the world and she recruited my Aunt who's probably reading this now (Hi Aunt Pegs). I spent so much time with my dad growing up as a child and I guess in some ways I sort of idolized him. My young heart refused to believe that my dad would do anything in the world to hurt me or my mom. My mom knowing this had to take me back to the scene so that I could see "the proof" with my own eyes. Crushed, might be the first word that comes to mind yet it doesn't exactly capture all the hurt I felt. My mom vowed that my dad would never be allowed to return home again, and she kept her promised. My dad apologetic yet exhausted with getting nowhere kissed me on my forehead and walked out of my life. Never in the permanent sense but never to return in the capacity that I so desperately needed him to.

Life can sting early on and my unhealed heart bled for the love that only a father can offer his daughter. I longed for the connection, for the long rides in our 1986 Mercury Topaz, for breakfast at our favorite diner, for summer cruises on Sea Escape, for holding his hand, for trips to the mall, and for every void I never had because he filled them all. The unhealed heart will be self-destructive and hard on itself. In 1991, I lost my grandmother and the double whammy of losing the two simultaneously caused a reaction that made me shutdown. The shutdown bought about a person that I could no longer identify with a teenage drinker, a teenage mother, and later a girl that spent years being physically abused by a man that I should never have come into contact with. The unhealed heart is lost and it is broken. It is weak and it is cold. A cold heart leaves a numb soul. It has taken me over 20-years to heal. In healing, I have come to love and appreciate myself with greater understanding. I can reach back in my history and dig up a story only to use it for the sake of reference. My past does dictate my future. Had I knew what I know now back then than clearly I would have implemented a journey of healing a long time ago.

With each occurrence that we are faced with the stability of our hearts will be tested. Self-destructive behavior followed by a depletion of self-esteem can result in many different outcomes. For many of the unhealed hearts of the world living just simply isn't an option. Some fall deeper into a depressive state and some give up their will to live all together. If I knew how to save someone else's life I would. I would rid all the unhealed hearts of their pain. To feel pain indicates that we all know and understand joy. Lean on others to help your heart heal. Often times they will have enough strength to carry you while you get over the hump. It is just a hump and you can and will get past the hurt. Even in the saddest time of grief the Creator will pull you through, yet you have to be willing to let go of the pain and to rest your reassurance in him. The unhealed heart deserves love and it hungers and thirsts to be fed love. The unhealed heart will fly again. I promise.

Much Luv

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