Wednesday, October 27, 2010

What Turns You On...

I walked by a church in my neighborhood last Friday, and a white Rolls Royce pulled up. I knew clearly by the spectators standing around with cameras that there had to be new bride in the car. I decided to join the spectators briefly and placed my bags down on the floor. I waited in wonder with everyone else to see her climb out. Her ushers laid a red carpet down for her, and of course since it was taking forever I lost my patience, picked up my bags, and hurriedly walked away. Annoyed at myself for my lack of patience I started imagining my own wedding, and I decided without a doubt in my mind that marriage is most definitely for me. I wondered how old I would be and in my hopes ideally I would be no older than 38. If it happens or it doesn’t happen isn’t as much of my concern as knowing what I want and don’t want out of the union. I wondered briefly if the bride in the car was going to change up on her new groom after the vows are exchanged, or would she rightfully put in more work. I want to be the kind of wife that puts in work and I’ll tell you why. Ladies let’s be honest here. Fellas don’t just go around talking marriage with their friends. They’re not down at the court shooting hoops talkin bout, “I’m gonna wife her”, or “I want to be with her, and only her for the rest of my life”. When a man makes a choice to delve into the commitment of marriage with a woman (and fellas please let me know if I’m wrong here), it’s because she has brought something to the table that none before her were able to do. We can call it timing, or compatibility, or love, but however you spin it she has done something for that man that has made him realize that he cannot, and will not live the rest of his journey here without her. Just like an employer who offers you that fantastic job, the commitment of marriage comes with an expectation. If he was the boyfriend you had that made the hair on your neck stand when he kissed your neck, and you knew your mission in life was to put it down with him twice on a Sunday then that needs to continue, and shit maybe even increase. If you weren’t wrapping your hair and wearing that doobie before you got married why the hell would you think he wants to see that ish now? My point is that the premarital state shouldn’t be a state of deception, and I often think that’s why some couples should wait until a little later in life to enter into marriage just so that these simply guidelines are well understood.

If oral sex isn’t your thing then you have an obligation not to pretend that it is while you’re waiting for the ring. If there is something your man does that you don’t like then the premarital state is the time to let him know. If your man doesn’t perform oral sex and you know that’s vital to make you climax then you need to let him know. Marriage is all about compromising but there is not that much compromising in the damn world. If you don’t like certain things regarding sex or certain things turn you off then you’re going to have to be fully aware of that before taking the plunge. I’ve hung out with plenty of my married friends and the biggest disappointment I typically hear after marriage is, “He changed” or “She changed” and it saddens me as the unmarried friend because I’m always like, “Damn, had they taken the time to establish that from jump then they wouldn’t be angry or disappointed today.” You will never hear me condone cheating on any level yet I do believe I understand why it happens in some cases. In cases where expectations are unmet, communication is lacking, and a window is open for a third party, cheating occurs. The best time to deal with this is before marriage happens period. I want to have that extensive talk with my man (whenever that is I find him) and I want to know what he likes in the bedroom, what he doesn’t want to see, and what he needs to see most. Am I going to agree with everything he says? Maybe not but that will be the best time to discuss it. Not the night we’re in Aruba on our honeymoon and he says, “I want it in the ass dear,” and I say, “Go to hell darling”. Potential problems are avoided when couples are on the same page. As a woman I always want to be that sexy vixen that makes my honey wanna bite his bottom lip and tear me up when he sees me and I’m sure fellas in one way or another want the same thing. Of course marriage comes with all other sorts of responsibilities like maintaining finances, but I want to just stay focused on feelings for this article.

The bottom line is, that by having a really clear sense of what turns you on, the courage to discuss that with your partner, and the ability to be open-minded before entering into a lifelong commitment should help your marriage to stay way ahead of the game. Another thing I thought of that day when I saw the bride was that being in touch with what turns you on, or in this case what turns me on isn’t just limited to the bedroom. I will make sure my husband knows that I need to know he’s there throughout the course of the day. Am I needy, sure I am a little? There are things that he will be able to do to turn me on way before I ever reach home. I love sexy text messages and emails. I love the B-word (Beautiful) and I love flowers. This type of absent communication stimulates my mind and gives me something to imagine (fellas are you with me here)? Once that bride in the car has her husband will she forget that he needs to be stimulated mentally and physically? This comes with the role. I don’t care how busy a person is throughout the course of a business day. If you can’t take 5 minutes to drop a line or send a message to your honey to let them know that it’s all about them…then seriously there is a problem. If people would take the time to give these scenarios a little bit of thought before jumping in then I seriously think the divorce rate in our country would be lower. As territorial creatures by nature, a woman doesn’t even want her man to glimpse another woman’s way. (And for these women that say it doesn’t bother them and that they actually love when he looks at another woman…Stop it!) My question to you is what the hell are you doing to avoid it from happening in the first place? Are you providing the visual stimulation he needs to stay focused on you? Or did you get your ring and let yourself go? I didn’t understand this concept 10 years ago, and I’m sure I still have a lot to learn on the subject matter so marriage around 38 will be just fine for me. I used to think talk like this was just men’s way to blame women for their infidelities, but if you really do the math it’s not. We can’t stop the affection and the strip show at the altar. We have to keep it going and we have to keep fighting for what we worked so hard for in the first place. Sex is such a contributing factor to a relationship and I really believe that by both parties being honest and putting their needs on the table early on it can save a lot of aggravation, frustration, and pain later on down the line. Marriage is a choice, and the same way he chose you, he can choose to leave you, and he can choose someone else. There’s a limit to your love but there’s also a limit to his. If you have limitations you owe it to your relationship to discuss them early on. Try to meet each other halfway. Stay Blessed!

Much Luv

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  1. Hi Peace, Health, Wealth:

    Welcome to the B.C. Chronicles. My hope is that everything you read here will be a good read!

    Much Luv