Sunday, June 13, 2010

In a Marriage; To What Extent are You Willing to Give???

I was speaking with one of my best girlfriends the other day who's been with her husband now for 17 years. They have four beautiful children together, and after years & years of ups and downs, and a very tumultuous relationship she still finds it within herself to only say kind things about him. This particular day I could feel my girl's pain. It's the kind of pain that can only develop after years and years of being a doormat. She is one of the best moms I've ever met so I knew her pain wasn't stemming from the hardship of being a mom. I hit her with my famous, "Let's talk about it", and she hit me back with, "B, I'm in so much pain, I'm confused, I'm hurt and I don't know what to do". Now me, a firm believer of divorce not being an option for two people who are genuinely in love and in a marriage for the right reasons. I found myself torn by my personal views while listening to my friend reveal her pain. I quickly jumped into rescue mode, and told her that she is more than her marriage and that if her marriage does in fact end in divorce by no means does that mean that she is a failure, or a quitter.

My girlfriend explained to me the dilemma that she's faced with now is what a great father her husband is aside from the fact that she genuinely loves him. She is smart, independent, employed and quite capable of caring for herself and her kids without him. Actually, she has carried her husband's weight at different times during the course of their relationship. When the hurt is pushed to the side and the union of marriage and what marriage represents is examined what does a person in this situation do? What does loving a person unconditionally really mean? How much are you willing to give? If your spouse looses their job, cheats on you, verbally or physically abuses you, doesn't cook or clean, what constitutes leaving? What makes divorce an option or is it ever allowed to be an option? With mortgage payments on deck, car notes and insurance, and joint bank accounts on the table how the hell does someone just walk away? Isn't it possible that if you leave, and opt for divorce you may still run into all these same difficulties with someone else? Is the best answer to just replace your spouse and then what? Deal with someone else's bullshit? I'm torn on this, let's talk about it...


  1. Why did your friend feel like this was the end of her marriage? I need to hear the depth of it.

  2. Hi Lateesha:

    I don't belive this is the end of my friend's marriage because my friend undeniably loves her husband. Let me be clear that I offered different scenarios for the sake of protecting my friend's actual situation. Her situation is not listed in the article above and just know there is no physical or verbal abuse going on. There was a ton of lying going on yet so much remorse on her husband's behalf that she will have to sort through and see if she can find the strength to forgive him. I'm not saying by any means that what he did was right but I believe the union should not be broken when the "Love" hasn't been compromised. When I say the "Love" I mean that initial feeling that bought them together in the 1st place. When she speaks of him her eyes reveal a woman who deeply loves her partner. There is something so sacred about the union of marriage, especially when the two entering in get married for all the right reasons. I met with my friend last week and I told her I honestly think the union can survive. They have taken a break and he is staying with his mom and I think the time apart will either make or break the union.

    Much Luv

  3. Hey Bc, the steps they have taken will determine if their " love" can survive it.
    I have a friend that I ran into last week that i haven't seen in a while and as soon as i said girl how's your husband and the kids doing? All hell broke loose. She was like "he cheated on me Teesha and when we got married I told him from the jump that their are two things that i will leave him for;one is don't put your hands on me and the other is cheating". She was like " he must of thought i was playing but i put his ass out and filed for divorce". I was like "hold up divorce? that's your husband though...." she was like "i thought about it and can't get that shit out my mind and apparently it's happening to every body because when i mentioned it to a couple of people everybody started telling me that it goes on in their marriage and how they dealt with it.I'm like are you serious? ALLLLLLLLLL ya'll went through this and never shared your story with me"? She was so ANGRY about her husband and the women that didn't share their cheating story with her. She said that if it was just him and her then fine, she can go on with her life but what makes her so mad is that she has two kids with him and now her kids has to go through bullshit because of what he did. I really sympathized with her but i also admire her strength and determination to get rid of this cheating, lying ass loser. Relationships are so fuckin hard!