Sunday, November 14, 2010

Love Don't Live Here Anymore

I don't know if there's something in the air as of late, but I've been witnessing the heartbreak of a few of my friends over their relationships that are on the brink. Rather than discuss their specific stories I'd rather just discuss what it's like to be in a relationship where you're just going through the motions. It's a struggle when you realize that the person you love doesn't nor will they ever understand, and/or accept you for the person that you are (the only person that you will ever be). Now, I'm not talking about the technical difficulties within a solid union. I'm talking about overlooking all the bullshit a person does, making excuses for them, and then realizing that with each and every excuse and sacrifice you made for them they never saw who you really were to begin with. From a gender standpoint, we as women tend to make the mistake of thinking that we can "fix" men rather than just hearing that man when he tells us exactly who he is and where he's coming from. Adults can't be fixed. They don't change up at 25, 35, or 45. What you see is what you really get. The problem is that we often think we can fill the shoes of being someones personal savior rather than finding the strength to be true to self, and move on to the next. When we set ourselves up for the personal savior role we tend to overextend and bypass one of the most important factors of a healthy relationship, allowing a man to earn our respect. We give it to him free of charge and we confuse catering to him with being a personal doormat, a maid and a servant. So my question is what type of message are we sending? We're sending a message that we're unworthy of respect, self-worth and most importantly love. The end result is that while we wait on the situation to rectify itself hoping all the while that our man will do what's right, and become the knight in shining armor that we've always looked for him to be, he doesn't. He continues to disappoint us day after day until that disappoint results in a multitude of phone calls to our girlfriends asking for advice. "How come he won't marry me?" but the real question is "Why would he?" How can he respect you when throughout the course of the relationship you had no respect for yourself?

This is one of those painful messages that isn't always easy to see. It's much easier to blame others for our shortcomings, but as we get older and really begin to accept the responsibilities of being a responsible adult we must take responsibility for our own hearts. One of my friend's mentioned constant infidelity and an unwillingness to commit for the result of her break-up. At the same time she admitted to years of covering up and pacifying her man's behavior thinking that he would eventually get tired and settle down. I'm a firm believer that a man is a man indefinitely, and when he knows and finds what he wants there isn't a person, place or thing in this world that can keep him from crowning his Queen. On the flip side, my friend was doing all the things that we're taught as little girls to keep our men happy such as, cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry, and dropping it like it's hot regularly at his request. Being the good girl when your with the wrong guy is just cynical. Another problem these couples encountered was the fact that in every situation one person in the relationship refuses to let go. I think R. Kelly probably said it best in his hit song, "When A Woman's Fed Up". For us ladies when we're done we're done. I can't speak too much for males on this one. When a woman loses her physical connection to the man that she's with there's almost nothing that he can do to get that back. See for men I think even when they lose the connection to the woman physically his guilt for the situation can always bring him back to her bed in a possible attempt to start again. Women are a little more emotional than that, and our minds work differently. A woman can let years of unresolved hurt build up before she allows it to explode. When it does explode she will confront it head on like a raging bull, and nine out of ten the man that she's with won't even begin to understand the damage he's caused. He'll feel like since he's gotten away with so much in the past that this is just another rant she's on, and in time it will pass. Not this time. This time she will let him know that there is clearly a limit to her love, and that he has just crossed it. There is a very thin line between love and hate folks, and when you take a person for granted you must be fully aware that you are doing so on borrowed time. All good things come to an end when they aren't nutured and cared for and there is no difference in the case of an intimate relationship. Time wasted on constant nagging and bickering will be all the time that a person needs to evision themselves in the arms of someone else.

Finally, when a man pushes your love away and stops doing all of the things that he did to get you in the first place, the relationship is doomed. Fellas, I promise you we don't get tired of flowers, gifts, dinners, being called beautiful, and you saying I love you before hanging up the phone. The little things always mean the most to us. We don't respond well when those things stop, and if we even so much as think you've stop doing them to enjoy doing them for someone else....whoaaaaaaaaa watch out! Lord have mercy! Brace yourself because you will see the devil come out of us in an instant. More importantly once the gestures of sweetness stop then we will convince ourselves that you don't love us anymore. Of course a good woman is willing to fight for her man, but I promise you there ain't that much fighting in the world. At somepoint we will retreat and you will have to go. The bad part about that is that it typically hurts you more than it hurts us. We pick up with another man that will think we're the best thing since apple pie, and you will end up sleeping with someone you have little to no connection with. In any case when a relationship is done no matter what side of the break-up fence you're on don't be scared to walk away. In most cases walking away may just be the healthiest option. When anger can't be replaced with love and when jealousy and envy replace adoration and respect it really might just be time to walk. A healed heart is a heart that takes responsibility for it's actions and it's participation in the spilt. When we can recognize our own faults it may actually open the door to a more healthy, and more loving relationship in the future. Know your limits and recognize that God may have an entirely different plan in store. Don't look at a failed relationship as personal failure in you. Look at it as growth, and pat yourself on the back for recognizing what you don't want in your life!

Much Luv

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  1. I love it...

    I personally believe most men today do least as possible and us as women...have allowed this behavior to fly...

    I love the blog, B.....
    Keep doing ya thing Queen

  2. Hi Mocha babes:

    I've missed you so! Yes, we as women play such a huge role in how we are treated by the men in our lives. More often than not, we don't demand that they respect us and the relationship goes down hill from there. A perfect example that I like to use when it comes to respect within a relationship is Jada Pinkett-Smith. Does she look like she's taking any bullshit from Will? Hell no!

    As a Queen, I know that I have to be whole and complete rather than a part of a whole as we're often taught when we're little. I need to be fully functioning if my King can't run our castle, or if he ever decides to drop out of the race all together. The bottomline is that by communicating and helping each other grow as women we will educate and support one another in order to have healthy relationships. Sisterhood starts here and that's why I always welcome our male counterparts to join us because we learn from them as well. So good to receive your comment. Keep being the Queen that you are too!

    Much Luv