The Ugly Truth About Abortion

I was Pro-Life until I was 28 years-old and found myself in an entangled web of hypocrisy.  I never passed judgment on anyone that was Pro-Choice, yet using abortion as a method of birth-control was something that made me cringe.  During my time in college, I took a very interesting philosophy class that further opened my eyes to the truths surrounding certain types of abortions being performed right here in the United States of America.  Partial abortion was something that I ignorantly knew nothing of before taking the course. My Dear Lord, what I learned was absolutely disturbing.   My professor at the time was very passionate about the course work and he provided some of the most gruesome images with supporting documentation available to support this unethical practice.  I can remember thinking, “How can any woman kill the life that is growing inside of her in such a horrific way?”   In my eyes, it was murder plain and simple. Snipping the spinal cord of a fetus at the neck seemed illogical and cruel. Of course at the time I was a mother of 3 healthy children and I had never come face to face with abortion or miscarriage.  Every now and then I might get the occasional confession of a friend that had gone through either of the two ordeals.  As many of you know, Kermit Gosnell was found guilty earlier this week on numerous counts of murder and manslaughter in connection with his “chop shop”, style abortion clinic in Pennsylvania.  Please take a moment to read this article posted by the Huffington Post yesterday: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mobileweb/2013/05/13/kermit-gosnell-guilty-verdict_n_3268021.html I was quite dismayed when I found out that I was pregnant with what would have been my fourth child.  I was fresh out of a very long-term relationship with my son’s father.  I was reckless and on the rebound and to add to the mess that I was creating I was now pregnant.  I confirmed my suspicions and was 4-6 weeks along in gestation as described to me by the tech performing my ultrasound at the abortion clinic.  Dismay and profound sadness was the feeling.  The tech didn’t want me to look but I refused to turn away.  The precious sight of the tiny little dark spot growing inside of my stomach was impossible for me to ignore. The inappropriate comment made by that same tech made everything that followed awful.  Abortion clinics are like desensitized butcher shops where one goes to have meat chopped.  She said, “This is your first abortion honey, it won’t be your last”.  I instantly corrected her and snapped back with, “Oh yes, this will be my last”.

The well-known abortion clinic that I went to in Queens was disgusting to me.  Not only because of the atmosphere per se, which was banquet-style torn pleather seating  and writing on the walls.  It just had a very dark underlying feeling overall.  The only spiritual light I could sense was from the religious spectators chanting outside for me not to go inside. God is not inside of abortion clinics and I will stand firmly by that statement.  God and the Spirit are in the womb of the woman carrying new-life.  There is an overwhelming feeling of spiritual warmness a woman can feel when she is pregnant. If, of course she’s willing to be still enough to be aware of it. Although, the tech said I was only 4-6 weeks along my entire body felt filled with pregnancy.  I wept uncontrollably that day as I was whisked from one phase of the process to another.  The final phase being the fatal one; at that point I was told to undress and to slip into a gown that was provided by the staff.  My girlfriend that accompanied me that day just kept encouraging me not to “think”, about it.  Unfortunately, the life growing inside of me was all that I could think about.  I said a prayer while I changed into my gown.  Not a typical prayer. Nothing rehearsed or memorized from a scripture verse.  At that moment I had a simultaneous silent discussion with God and the new life that was trying so desperately to just continue growing.  The spirit of that life felt male to me and right inside of the clinic’s gym-styled locker room I named that spirit Joshua.  I apologized for sending him back to God.  For not trusting God enough to know that I would have been able to care for him.  For the shame that I felt in my heart for carelessly putting myself in a worldly situation to even let something like conception occur.  I let Joshua know that he was no less loved than my other 3 children and that my decision to give him back to my Creator was not an easy one for me to make.  I asked my elders since passed on to please care for him and I closed the prayer by asking for everyone's forgiveness.  With uncontrollable crying and shaking I took my place in the next room.  A male anesthesiologist touched my shoulder and said, “This must be your first time, everything will be alright”.  The last thing I can remember was how much emotional pain I was in.  I heard the same anesthesiologist telling the doctor that it was my first time and by then my legs were  high in the air and I was losing consciousness.

I won’t walk anyone through the next steps at the clinic.  I’ll fast-forward to how I felt laying in my bed that night at home. The warmth, the fire, and the spiritual fullness that I felt prior to the abortion were gone.  I felt an extreme emptiness, I felt sorrow, I felt dark and I felt cold.  I let Satan win that one and I was deeply ashamed.  I called the "would-be",father and let him know that there was no trace of pregnancy inside of me and he was disappointed to say the least.  I never included him in any of the events that had taken place earlier that day and that was just wrong.  Abortion isn’t over once the procedure has been completed.  I personally grieved the loss of that new life that was growing inside of me for a very long time. I contemplated suicide for the first time in my life and I don’t think anyone in my family understood why.  I was very disappointed with what I had done. Abortion was a very emotional journey for me that I didn’t have the heart to discuss with anyone but God. Years later while riding on a NYC train, I learned there is a website dedicated to helping women that suffer from PASS or Post Abortion Stress Syndrome.  For more information, please go to www.afterabortion.org. Of course, there are many women living in our culture that appear unaffected by abortion.  Some of us have brought into the political view of a woman’s "right" to choose and we have lost sight of some of the gruesome and careless practices that are taking place around us and in our country.  Babies are such precious bundles of joy.  Where you see no way you must know that God will make a way and I encourage you to email me if you are struggling or need help with an unexpected or unwanted pregnancy. By clicking the envelope on the left hand side of this page; you will be taken directly to my email box. I intentionally began this relationship series with, “After the Booty Call”, because I wanted to use it as an opener for other avenues.  HIV, STD’s, unwanted pregnancy, shame, hurt and lies are all things that can directly result from having sex with someone that you are not in a committed relationship with.  This issues are tough enough for couples but imagine the thought of having to deal with these things alone.

*It was so ironic to me that Kelly Rowland released her new single this week called, "Dirty Laundry".  Although the song doesn't represent this specific issue. It does discuss the importance of letting things go and being honest.  We can cover things up and we can hide behind our shades but that doesnt make the hurt go away.  It just encourages more hurt to develop. I hope my own naked truth will help a young woman that needs to hear it right at this very moment.  Things may not be well with your circumstances, but they can be well with your soul.  God Bless You All.

Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding".

Much Luv,

When It All Goes Left

It's pretty rare that a Hollywood story grabs my attention the way that the Kordell Stewart “divorce-filing scandal”, from his seemingly lovely wife Porsha D. Stewart has. I typically leave this type of blogging to the Hollywood Gossip Blogger's because there are more than enough of these types of stories published around the world. This touched my heart though because there is something so innocently genuine about Mrs. Porsha. I definitely had to offer my commentary on this one. Since the top of 2013, I've been taking some time out to focus spiritually and I’ve been on a television fast. I honestly missed the majority of the Atlanta Housewives 5th Season on Bravo. I did by far see enough interaction between Mr. Stewart and his wife to develop an opinion of the pair’s union. I think it's important to say that I think Kordell is a really good guy.  I think he has very traditional values in regard to what the role of being a good wife consists of.  The world of reality TV is still somewhat of a blunder for me. I enjoy it at times but my approach to it is simple, detox entertainment when I'm looking to just kick my feet up on the sofa and relax. On the flipside, I have found that it can be infectiously poisonous to our generation. I've even noticed that there are groups/clubs of women watching the shows together and in some ways mocking the lifestyles of the characters. Living beyond our means and failing to appreciate where we are currently at in our lives can be dangerous. Porsha Stewart touched me differently than any of the other characters that I've seen thus far on any of the current shows out. Porsha never took me as anything other than what the show title indicates that it represents an, "Atlanta Housewife". She was Southern, well-poised, polite, filled with class, with just enough feistiness in her to let you know that she's nobody's punk. This young woman has natural innocence to her that I rarely see today. She also displays and earnestness to be a great wife and a step-mom to Kordell’s child.  I really like that! Whether burning food in the kitchen or trying to coordinate matching outfits for a night out with her hubby, Mrs. Porsha always puts in what seems like extreme effort for her man.
 

The first time I observed Kordell with his wife I remember sensing or slightly thinking that there was some level of insecurity exhibited on his behalf. Having a flawlessly beautiful wife has to be a difficult endeavor for any man. It was one of the early episodes when she was having a fundraiser for her Grandfather's foundation and she introduces Kenya Moore as Miss America versus Miss USA. He kissed his wife sweetly and seemed really enamored by her. That event if everyone remembers was ladies only. A red flag went up immediately with the thought of that concept because the fundraiser would have grossed more revenue had it been co-ed. Why would a husband encourage his wife to have a female-only event? He even made a comment like, “That’s how I like it”. Control issues, low self-esteem and things of that nature crossed my mind but he still just seemed very sweet to me. Controlling men are often difficult to read. They are the men that believe that women have a traditional role to stay in the home and to be the sole caregivers to their children. In a world filled with strong women leaders that are caring for children and still pursuing their own passions Kordell's outlook was a bit much for viewers. It came across as old-school/out-dated. What I think we also got to witness as viewers was that Porsha may not have known exactly how deeply-rooted his traditional beliefs were until she stepped onto the RHOA platform. To be fair, the couple has only been married just shy of two years and there is a significant age difference of nearly 10 years between the two. There's a very interesting twist to this story though and I think it's one that we will find more and more talked about in our culture. Before I could finish writing this post I had to reach out to my cousin Mark. He is the Biggest and I mean the Biggest Pittsburg Steelers Fan that I know! Here's where it all goes left...
 

In 1997, Kordell Stewart called a meeting with his at the time teammates to address rumors that were beginning to surface that the star quarterback might be gay. Kordell was seen frequenting a local park during that time that was known as a local hangout for gay men. I started to wonder if Kordell was really just suffering miserably in his marriage because he was suppressing his natural desire for men. By no means am I suggesting that he didn’t just file for divorce because he didn’t like the direction that his spouse was moving with the show.  Porsha Stewart found out that her husband filed for divorce via Twitter and I thought that was such a low-blow. Living in the same home he never had the audacity to have the discussion with his wife personally. I asked my cousin Mark, “What were your feelings when the stories began circulating that the star quarterback might be gay?” His response was quite simple and just his own honest opinion.  I decided to continue writing this article because a light bulb of curiosity went off in my head. This Monday April 29, 2013, NBA player Jason Collins became the 1^st athlete in the association to announce that he is openly and actively gay.  I thought, “BINGO!” The story broke just 3 days after I started writing this post and I thought, “Wow, what a coincidence”.  I watched video interviews on the internet with Jason’s ex-fiancée who spent 8 years of her life devoted to him. A compellingly understanding woman, Carolyn Moos stated that she didn’t have the slightest idea that Jason was gay. She went on to say that society needs to take a look at how it treats people and players. She points out the lack of support society offers when it comes to homosexuality. Commendably, she went on to say that she is happy for Jason and that he in turn deserves happiness. 
 

Luckily, Jason has received an outpour of support from the media, his team members, family and friends including unexpected support and encouragement from President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama. Carolyn was deeply saddened in 2009 when Jason unexpectedly called off their engagement.  A hurt that she reports she is still struggling with till this day.  What is happening in the world that we live in?  Have we become so disgustingly judgmental that gay men feel like they have to hide within the walls of heterosexual marriage? Is this the only way they feel like they will be accepted? How many children are being born into homes with gay fathers that are pretending to be straight for the sake of acceptance? I do hope that this isn’t the case with Porsha and Kordell,Stewart.  In the event that it is, I pray that he too find the courage to live in his own skin. I believe that Jason Collins has opened the door for other gay men that are struggling with the fear of coming out and disclosing their sexual preference. It’s only in our personal truth that we find healing and comfort.  We have to stop pointing fingers when we encounter what is unnatural for us.  We are all brothers and sisters and we need to support one another accordingly. Life is difficult enough without having to be what we aren’t.  I’ll continue to bring stories like this to you throughout this relationship series.  Later this month I’ll be interviewing author, B Styliz Ortiz (www.bstylizortiz.com), who wrote the book, “Pretty Boy with the House in Virginia”.  We will be uncovering his personal experiences with stories just like these; stories that involve men that are in heterosexual relationships but are secretly (unknowingly to their spouses) homosexual.  We’ll be discussing the dangers that some of these relationships can involve; the hurt and rejection that they can cause and how some folks end up being exposed to or even contracting HIV-(the “House in Virginia”).  This series is going to be an awesome journey of eye-opening knowledge.  Let’s Go!
 

Much Luv,