Wednesday, October 27, 2010

What Turns You On...

I walked by a church in my neighborhood last Friday, and a white Rolls Royce pulled up. I knew clearly by the spectators standing around with cameras that there had to be new bride in the car. I decided to join the spectators briefly and placed my bags down on the floor. I waited in wonder with everyone else to see her climb out. Her ushers laid a red carpet down for her, and of course since it was taking forever I lost my patience, picked up my bags, and hurriedly walked away. Annoyed at myself for my lack of patience I started imagining my own wedding, and I decided without a doubt in my mind that marriage is most definitely for me. I wondered how old I would be and in my hopes ideally I would be no older than 38. If it happens or it doesn’t happen isn’t as much of my concern as knowing what I want and don’t want out of the union. I wondered briefly if the bride in the car was going to change up on her new groom after the vows are exchanged, or would she rightfully put in more work. I want to be the kind of wife that puts in work and I’ll tell you why. Ladies let’s be honest here. Fellas don’t just go around talking marriage with their friends. They’re not down at the court shooting hoops talkin bout, “I’m gonna wife her”, or “I want to be with her, and only her for the rest of my life”. When a man makes a choice to delve into the commitment of marriage with a woman (and fellas please let me know if I’m wrong here), it’s because she has brought something to the table that none before her were able to do. We can call it timing, or compatibility, or love, but however you spin it she has done something for that man that has made him realize that he cannot, and will not live the rest of his journey here without her. Just like an employer who offers you that fantastic job, the commitment of marriage comes with an expectation. If he was the boyfriend you had that made the hair on your neck stand when he kissed your neck, and you knew your mission in life was to put it down with him twice on a Sunday then that needs to continue, and shit maybe even increase. If you weren’t wrapping your hair and wearing that doobie before you got married why the hell would you think he wants to see that ish now? My point is that the premarital state shouldn’t be a state of deception, and I often think that’s why some couples should wait until a little later in life to enter into marriage just so that these simply guidelines are well understood.

If oral sex isn’t your thing then you have an obligation not to pretend that it is while you’re waiting for the ring. If there is something your man does that you don’t like then the premarital state is the time to let him know. If your man doesn’t perform oral sex and you know that’s vital to make you climax then you need to let him know. Marriage is all about compromising but there is not that much compromising in the damn world. If you don’t like certain things regarding sex or certain things turn you off then you’re going to have to be fully aware of that before taking the plunge. I’ve hung out with plenty of my married friends and the biggest disappointment I typically hear after marriage is, “He changed” or “She changed” and it saddens me as the unmarried friend because I’m always like, “Damn, had they taken the time to establish that from jump then they wouldn’t be angry or disappointed today.” You will never hear me condone cheating on any level yet I do believe I understand why it happens in some cases. In cases where expectations are unmet, communication is lacking, and a window is open for a third party, cheating occurs. The best time to deal with this is before marriage happens period. I want to have that extensive talk with my man (whenever that is I find him) and I want to know what he likes in the bedroom, what he doesn’t want to see, and what he needs to see most. Am I going to agree with everything he says? Maybe not but that will be the best time to discuss it. Not the night we’re in Aruba on our honeymoon and he says, “I want it in the ass dear,” and I say, “Go to hell darling”. Potential problems are avoided when couples are on the same page. As a woman I always want to be that sexy vixen that makes my honey wanna bite his bottom lip and tear me up when he sees me and I’m sure fellas in one way or another want the same thing. Of course marriage comes with all other sorts of responsibilities like maintaining finances, but I want to just stay focused on feelings for this article.

The bottom line is, that by having a really clear sense of what turns you on, the courage to discuss that with your partner, and the ability to be open-minded before entering into a lifelong commitment should help your marriage to stay way ahead of the game. Another thing I thought of that day when I saw the bride was that being in touch with what turns you on, or in this case what turns me on isn’t just limited to the bedroom. I will make sure my husband knows that I need to know he’s there throughout the course of the day. Am I needy, sure I am a little? There are things that he will be able to do to turn me on way before I ever reach home. I love sexy text messages and emails. I love the B-word (Beautiful) and I love flowers. This type of absent communication stimulates my mind and gives me something to imagine (fellas are you with me here)? Once that bride in the car has her husband will she forget that he needs to be stimulated mentally and physically? This comes with the role. I don’t care how busy a person is throughout the course of a business day. If you can’t take 5 minutes to drop a line or send a message to your honey to let them know that it’s all about them…then seriously there is a problem. If people would take the time to give these scenarios a little bit of thought before jumping in then I seriously think the divorce rate in our country would be lower. As territorial creatures by nature, a woman doesn’t even want her man to glimpse another woman’s way. (And for these women that say it doesn’t bother them and that they actually love when he looks at another woman…Stop it!) My question to you is what the hell are you doing to avoid it from happening in the first place? Are you providing the visual stimulation he needs to stay focused on you? Or did you get your ring and let yourself go? I didn’t understand this concept 10 years ago, and I’m sure I still have a lot to learn on the subject matter so marriage around 38 will be just fine for me. I used to think talk like this was just men’s way to blame women for their infidelities, but if you really do the math it’s not. We can’t stop the affection and the strip show at the altar. We have to keep it going and we have to keep fighting for what we worked so hard for in the first place. Sex is such a contributing factor to a relationship and I really believe that by both parties being honest and putting their needs on the table early on it can save a lot of aggravation, frustration, and pain later on down the line. Marriage is a choice, and the same way he chose you, he can choose to leave you, and he can choose someone else. There’s a limit to your love but there’s also a limit to his. If you have limitations you owe it to your relationship to discuss them early on. Try to meet each other halfway. Stay Blessed!

Much Luv

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Growing Pains

I woke up this morning with chest pains. Literally each and every time I took a deep breath I felt like it would be my last. The love of a child can do this easily to any parent. Once you’ve had the experience of bringing a child into this world, and having to live for more than just yourself, I find that your whole original perspective on life totally switches up. I knew exactly what the pains in my chest were stemming from when I arose from my bed. Nothing that I needed to run to the emergency room for; more like a heavy anxiety brought on by a situation one of my children is dealing with. A parent’s mind will tailspin. We will struggle with ourselves when our children are off course and we will ask ourselves, “Where did I go wrong?” When did I get so busy or so consumed with my own life that I allowed myself to forget who I’m really in this world living for? A parent will always have righteous moments in life when we’ll say things just to hear ourselves speak like, “I’m living my life for me, and not just for my kids.” Ha ha, I laugh when I try to make myself believe this one. It stems from the idea that if we don’t live for ourselves then who are we really going to be able to help along the way. If I had to be honest I know that each and every day I see a new day I do it all for them. My life doesn’t mean half as much as it used to with them in it. The hardest thing that I have to continuously remind myself of these days is that they’re not living for me. When they make mistakes on their journey it’s not for me to take some personal offense to it or to even feel overwhelmingly disappointed. The journey is theirs to live. They will have to make mistakes and learn from them in order to become the unique individuals that God has intended for each one of them to be. I’m the one that God has placed on their path to provide guidance. Guidance isn’t some strict rule book that points fingers and teaches you how to do things perfectly.

Guidance on the other hand means that I can share my experiences, my stories and my outcomes with them. I can only speak for myself and it’s ultimately up to them which road they choose to travel. Guidance means even when they choose the wrong road or what I think is the wrong road I must still maintain my support of them. I am obligated to still provide the wind beneath their wings as God appointed me to do so when they entered into the world through me. Strict parenting often results in carefree kids that make a lot of bad choices (Beware of this). Kids that are so desperately trying to scout out that little moment of freedom and go ballistic when they encounter it. Growing pains are lessons learned for both parents and their children. If parents can take just a moment not to beat themselves up for a mistake their child has made then I think the whole process of parenting will make a lot more sense overall. I haven’t come across a parent of a teen yet that has explained the experience of raising a teen as something that’s blissful and filled with joy. It’s a difficult time for both parties involved and the timeframe will require a ton of patience on the parents’ behalf. If situations are embraced and worked through rather than scolded and looked down upon the pair can offer become even closer as a result. There are so many elements required to parenting effectively and I often feel spirituality is probably the most important. I’m not saying that educational guidelines aren’t necessary but God can always take the edge off. An hour well spent in church hearing a pastor or a priest preach the Gospel of the Lord can take so much stress off of anyone’s heart. Just simple gestures of love reiterated, and knowing that at all times God is Love can be such a positive reinforcement for a parent struggling with raising a child.

When it comes to good parenting just keep in mind that the good times will always outweigh the bad and for every time you think that everything you say goes in one ear and right back out the other just know you’re wrong. They hear it all and they are really just trying to find a way to process it all. They try to incorporate the things we tell them in a way that makes them still feel independent and less like they are living under dictatorship. If anyone ever asked me how parenthood has changed me, I would say parenthood has changed me for the better and has showed me that I am capable of loving more than just myself. It has brought to light qualities within myself like nurturing, caring and compassion while at the same time it has taught me how to vent anger that might make me hurt somebody! Don’t hurt your kid’s people! Love them and remember God is Love all the time!

Much Luv

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Tuesday, October 12, 2010

A Toast to Our Frenemies

I received a bbm message this morning from one of my dearest friends that said this, “Friendship is something which cannot be easily explained”. “A common definition of friendship would be a relationship between two individuals, which is neither based on a blood relation and/or needs”. “It is a relationship which is based on the compatibility and understanding of two individuals”. This is as simple as I can bring the definition of friendship across without using my own words and now to the frenemies…

I know they aren't worth the time of day, but my purpose in writing this was just to let them know that we see them. Even in the dark of night with no flashlight, and our sunglasses on we see you!!! So can we take a minute to pause? A brief time out just to salute these bastards, because they are the group of haters that seriously need to find a hobby! If you are over the age of 15 then you've probably already had your 1st encounter with one of them. God only knows why they're miserable, or where they come from, but they squeeze their way into our already friend-filled lives and pretend to do so with our best interest at heart. They make their way onto our scene, and typically make it their business to remind us of how rotten are true friends are, and in some distorted and twisted way we begin to look at them as some type of saving grace in our lives! Beware, beware, beware is all that I can say! These individuals have watched us from afar, and although they say, "Imitation is the best form of flattery", these folks have taken flattery to the next level, and crossed it up with borderline obsession! Thinking of the old adage, "Keep your enemies close.", but not this time...We're running! We're running so far in the opposite direction because this year we realize how detrimental your group is to our personal well-being! Kanye's new song gives us more of a reason to make a toast to you assholes while we're out enjoying our lives with our real friends!

Ok so for those of you who aren't too sure; I'd like to take a moment to break down what exactly a frenemy is. I would probably bet money that at least one of you reading tonight’s post has had one. They are the one friend that you have on your buddylist that secretly hates your guts. They hate your guts behind the guise of loving you more than anyone of your real friends ever could. The frenemies 9 out of 10 don't know the 1st principle of friendship which is simple...unconditional love! The frenemies break all the rules of friendship. Besides talking behind your back the frenemy does things like texting your ex-boyfriend to keep him updated on your life, and all of the things that are none of his business. They will take pictures of you while you’re drunk off your ass in the club, and secretly upload them on facebook while you're not looking. All in the name of making you look like shit while they somehow distortedly shine. The most dangerous part about having a frenemy is that you never really know it. Your real friends & family will never click with them. We want so badly to believe in their genuineness that we will always defend them and question our own inner instincts that they’re no good. They are the black clouds that follow us around and only God knows why they are so miserable. Why do they pick us to prey upon? They pick us because we represent everything they either didn’t become or everything they want to be in life. Frenemies are part of life just like anything else. They’ll tell you that your hair looks great when it looks like shit, and your ugliest shirt will be their favorite! All I can tell you is when you recognize any of these characteristics please make sure to shut these individuals out of your life. I’d love to hear all of your personal frenemy stories right here in the comment section Let’s Talk About It…

Much Luv

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Monday, October 11, 2010

Lacking Some Loving

Ok B.C. Readers so I'm sitting here in my living room realizing how empty my love tank is!!!Whoaaaaaa the tank is on super empty, and on the flip side of being depressed about it I'm actually embracing the revelation and putting thought into how I'd like to move forward. Sex is a bit overrated if you ask me, but at the same time I do remember how good it feels lol. Times like this makes me think one of two things. Do I continue on this survivor path, and embrace celibacy, or do I embrace the mix and mingle crowd, and find one lucky gentleman to spend my time with. One thing that's been happening during this "Lacking Loving" period is that I've been embracing all the qualities I love most about myself. I love my feet and that's why I treat them so good. There is nothing better than when I'm having "Me time" that includes a Spa Pedi and Mani. When I pick polish for my toes you would think that I'm shopping at the mall for a new top! I Love Essie polish so shout outs to the makers of that! I even love the sexy little names they give each polish like, "Sugar Daddy", "After Sex", "Spaghetti Straps", and lots more. The things that keep me feeling sexy keep me moving forward, but they also make me realize how badly I'd like to spend my time with someone significantly worthy. Feeling sexy after a mani and pedi doesn't make me want to search my phone book for a booty call. It makes me want to eat, pray, talk, laugh, love and spend my time with someone that enjoys me! Someone that I can curl up on the couch with and watch Kevin Hart until I piss on myself (joking). I don't know if it's the age, but I'm not interested in a sexcapade just a real man that can dig a real woman. Now I have to be so clear when I say these things because I've spent a whole Summer hearing random dudes say things like, "I read your blog I'm exactly what you're looking for". Do understand the basics. There has to be a vibe. A connection, a chemistry, a something! We have to start at 1 and I'm not skipping to 25 no matter what the circumstance is. I've also been experiencing a bit of Cougarville these days. As flattering as that is I have to say to all of you young sweet men that say I don't look a day over 25 thank you, but I promise you I'm 29+. I'm trying very hard to behave myself lol (not easy).

I'm approaching that stage in the game where walking the dog for long walks in the park is sounding so on point. Putting my arm on his, and walking and talking is what I want to be doing. Going to the movies and then making a home movie is what my thoughts have been like. Buying a house and turning it into a home with someone. The loss of so many friends constantly forces me to remember how short this life is, and I feel like I owe it to myself to spend it with someone great. I don't want to give you guys the impression that I walk around all day thinking about being in a relationship because that would be far from the truth. It's something that I think about every now and then, and it's something that I would like to get right on the next go around. I'm noticing that the longer one stays out of the game the harder it is to jump back in. Shit!!!! I'm at a total crossroads with it. I stick one foot in, and then I pull it right back out! Ladies and gents be careful during this stage. I remember a few years back I met a sweet guy that I could actually picture spending my life with. I loved his connection to his family. I spent every date we went on telling him, "I'm not looking for a relationship". I was so hurt from the relationship prior to meeting him that I just couldn't wear a title. I didn't want to be his girlfriend until all I wanted was to be his girlfriend, and unfortunately by then it was too late. He was gone, and I was left holding onto my pride and realizing how stupid I sounded throughout saying that I wasn't looking for something that I totally was looking for. Life!!! The good thing about blowing stuff is learning from it and not doing it again. I believe in 2nd chances but with somethings you just don't get them. The one thing that stands out to me the most through my own mistakes is to be sure that when you're feeling a vibe you stick with it! Ride the damn surfboard until you fall into the water. I make the mistake of second guessing myself so often. So worried about what other people will think and that is so foolish. At the end of the day folks are not sitting there contributing to your life, or most importantly to your livelihood!!! I can honestly say that I've let a few good ones go by for fear of what others would have to say, and for a lack of faith in the development of the union. Shame on me but lesson well-learned.

Finally, fun has to be on the menu! Fun has to be incorporated into everything! That's for everything we do from sitting at our offices to going on a first date! All my friends know I must have been a comedian in one of my past lives because I damn sure think I'm funny as hell! If you haven't watched Kevin Hart tell his "Ostrich" skit then please go and do so right this minute on You Tube!!! Live, Love, and Laugh that's what I want for my life, and that's what I wish for all of yours! Keep reading and I'll keep writing!

R.I.P. to My Grandma & Grandpa, Eric, Tony Dance, Alex Lawson, Derrick Warren, & Keontay Rosario...(Also to many other friends that I have lost along the way) You are all missed and eventually I'll see you in Heaven!

Much Luv

Friday, October 8, 2010

The Quiet After The Storm

The Fall calms my spirit, and this is something I just learned recently. I spent my Summer entwined in a maze of mixed emotions. I left my readers hanging and I walked further and further towards darkness and isolation. All conditions of being a human being of course, but also terms of endearment. As one relationship (in whatever capacity that relationship exists) comes to an end another door slowly opens, but I tried to close that door because a part of me is just so tired. So tired of all the changes that come with loving, and with being in love. I can relate to the "Ice Box" that Omarion sings about in one of his songs. For me the "ice box" is a dark place that you're carried to after so much hurt, heartbreak, neglect, and pain. It's the smiley face that I wear on my face to protect me from the questions of the world. It's the, "I'm good", "I'm ok", when I'm totally ravaged, and destroyed deep down inside. Did anyone die? No, but my heart has survived a thousand deaths. There's something so complicated about the darkness. You know that you'll return to the light, but the rendering question is when? As the seasons change it helps me to witness change within myself, some personal growth and development on a scale that overall I'm impressed with. As we get older we're responsible for our hearts and for healing them when they get bruised. I think I'm going to make a CD of mixed songs that help to calm us after the storm. The 1st one that comes to mind is the girls Diddy had as a group Danity Kane, "Damaged'! Jeez, did my girls hit the nail on the head with that one or what??? In one of the lyrics, "Tell me are you up for the challenge", "Cause my heart is damaged" I'm be so silly right now but we'll call the CD, "Weathering the Storm" and we'll place it in a kit called "The B.C. Chronicles Survival Kit" and we'll put some strong Tequila in that kit too, along with anything else we deem necessary! Whenever one of my readers goes through a rocky time like I just did the kit will be on it's way no matter where in the world you live courtesy of me (promise). When our hearts are breaking we just need to know we're not alone. God's infinite presence is always there but his presence that we typically see in us dissipates with the sadness and the grief in our hearts.

So here I stand now still in one-piece, and still knowing my grace and my strength as a woman. As I watch the trees changing colors, and the temperature drop outside I realize that time is truly like an hourglass. The funny thing is when we slip into darkness we always know that we'll make it through, yet getting over the hump is often so hard. Faith is such a beautiful thing! Hope is impeccable, and 1 Happiness can scatter a thousand sorrows! In my case, this slip into darkness caused a trickle effect in some other areas of my life. The law of attraction was evident, and as I cried I bought on more things to cry about. Looking back I just want to move away from that and return to my happy state the one that I'm most comfortable and confident in. When it comes to picking up the pieces it's often hard knowing where to start. For me as a writer I have to believe in my talent, and know that with it I can overcome any storm. My writing is where I see God in myself. A small piece of him when my pen hits a page and goes to work. The creativity that unfolds is God at his highest. He works through me to provide the message and I take heed and listen to what comes to me through him. You know it's not my purpose to preach just to make you aware that God really is that soft voice, that whisper whether you're asleep or awake. He speaks to us so that we can excell. The one entity that wants you as an individual to reach your full potential, and to rise above any circumstance that is sent your way. These are the lessons that have taken me a lifetime to learn. I appreciate them and I hope whomever I go on to share my journey with will share some of my same philosophies.

In closing, just know I love you all and I wish you all the best. If you have already found that special someone be thankful for them. Look for God in them and how he works through them. If you haven't found that special someone yet have faith that he/she is coming. The journey is best travelled with company. Relationships are complicated but when they are deeply rooted in love you have to believe that it will and can survive.

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